of moving on.


I've never thought I would feel this way, probably because I've always been the one 'in front'. Recently I've been thinking, what a scary thing it is, to feel that everyone has moved on, except you. 


I don't exactly mean it in a bad way, like I refuse to let go of something etc, nothing of that sort. But in a sense that everyone is progressing on, going to the next phase of life. And yet somehow... I feel like I'm still at the same place. 


I'm not talking about in terms of growth etc, I'm talking more about life stages? I've learnt that patience is indeed a virtue. It takes a lot to wait. It tests everything about you. And it's just a scary feeling that while you are 'waiting', others are already moving forward without you, when they were supposed to be on the same page as you.

It's just a scary thought and feeling I've been thinking lately... 


PS. it is actually quite a touching thing to know that people are still reading this space. other than a few really 'loyal readers' that I have, I have like random people who come up to me and say that they are still reading this blog. I think it's quite amazing cos I haven't been writing a lot...


that aside, I really love words. I love how it expresses, I love how it plays around.. I just simply love words.. more than speaking them. English/Chinese, they are really such incredible languages... :) 

dreams.


First of all, I would like to say that I'm not a very 'dreamy' person. Not saying that I don't have dreams and desire, just that I'm not those who will say, "My dream is to ....". I'm not... 


Thus recently, I've been thinking, sometimes life really isn't about this great one dream that we all want to achieve. You know how growing up, we've heard people saying go for our dreams, and stop at nothing till we achieve our dreams. We've seen people wanting to be singers, trying all means and ways to get there etc. 

But what if some of us, we don't have such a big one dream? Sometimes... I think that life is really about small dreams along the way. One small dream leads to another and another, and so when we look back, we see a 'big' dream formed. I think this is very true for me. 

I always feel very awkward when people ask me things like, what's your greatest dream and desire? I don't really have one... Am I abnormal? I'm not exactly a "10-years from now I'm going to be this" kinda person. Is it wrong? Or is it just my nature? I'm much more comfortable knowing that I have smaller dreams, and they are just as important and great as the seemingly 'bigger' dreams. And I've come to realize that it's okay, as long as I know that God is guiding me. 


Maybe it's just me...

wallflowers.


I finally caught a movie last night, after the longest time. 

I remember reading this book 2 years ago, after recommendation from JX. First read, it didn't leave anything much behind, but I finished the book understanding exactly how Charlie feels.

After watching the movie, I felt the same way. All these strong emotions and feelings, the movie touched a deep deep part of my heart. This quote touched me, as Patrick commented, "You see things, you understand. You're a wallflower." And Charlie replied, "Wow, I thought no one notices me."

More than relating with the nerdy part (gosh all the literature and books in the movie just excite me. Like them reading Mockingbird, and the teacher passes him The Great Gatsby etc), I understand how he became a wallflower, how he is always the observing one, how he is always the quiet one too.

Although it is pretty much a teenager kinda movie, with growing up phases, first kiss etc, but I think beyond all these, how he struggled with his losses and tragedies and how he emerged and overcame, I can deeply identify with it. 

And I know perhaps there's only one friend who can relate to me in this manner, like, trying to get what I'm saying. Haha. You know who you are. 

And then I messaged JX, I would only get attached to a guy who understands and relates to wallflower as deep as I can. Maybe I would set it as an entry exam of some sort. But after careful consideration, it means that such a guy is emotional, perhaps a little too sensitive. So... I take that back. Haha.

alone.

Have some free time so shall jot down some thoughts...

This idea has been on my mind a lot lately - being alone.


I mean it in a state of total alone-ness, where there's only you and no one else. And I think it's very true that it's only when people are at their wits' end will they find God. Not that I'm exactly at my wits' end or breaking apart and desperately need God around, but just at a point where I need to be 'alone'.

I've been 'alone' for a bit now, and I just have this thought that ALL of us, need to come to a place where we can be so comfortably alone, only then can we have the strength and 'security' to reach out to others.

I've found so much peace and joy in this period of time. I've never thought that I needed it, but I realized there is so much to be learnt and enjoyed while being alone. Once we've really come to terms with this, only then will we have the love for others, in a 'whole' state.

In this period of time, I've learnt to put my trust in God, to release my many insecurities to Him, saw my weaknesses that I've not seen before, and was able to be 'whole' again, to depend on Him like He's my partner. Like what I've tweeted, I feel that this year has been a really growing and learning experience for my 'inside'. My emotions, feelings and thoughts. Really enjoying being comfortable with just God alone. Such a closeness that I've never experienced before. 

I've struggled a lot with insecurity and inferiority complex in the past. It's suffocating sometimes, it's like sinking sand, and you will only sink deeper if you struggle more. I needed to stop struggling, I needed to stop looking for other temporary things to hold on to, I needed Him to reach in and hold me up on the solid Rock. 

In those solitude moments, without any other distraction, only then can God speak to me, and show me things. There is power in being alone. There is power in solitude. And we all need that... Not just an hour everyday, but to really learn to be alone for a period of time. To be totally vulnerable in front of God.


He's awesome... isn't He? 
Let my revelations grow deeper and deeper I pray...

is a title really that important?


before this thought slips away...


Been pondering quite a bit on paths and past nowadays. 


I hate that we constantly have a 'past' labeled to us. And the word 'past' is always associated with something negative. Yes, I get the whole 'oh the past is what makes us', 'we learn from our mistakes', 'we wouldn't be where we are if it's not for our past' thing. BUT isn't it tiring? 

Sometimes a lot of things I just wish I had the wisdom to decide otherwise then. Why is it that we always have to learn through mistakes and whatnot. The imperfection in us, seeking a kind of perfection. Why can't we be like pure snow, untainted and un-dirtied. Sometimes I just wish I could 'shake' off my past, as if nothing happened. As if in 22 years of my existence, I am who I am now not because of a 'past' and 'mistakes'.

Funny how God restores, erases, and washes our sins as white as snow, but we humans struggle so much to try to come to terms with that. That we are a new creation, and we have a new beginning. 


Please be assured that I'm not feeling particularly 'emotional' about this, but I was just thinking really hard in my head. Inevitably, this is how God made us. 


May we always have the wisdom to make the right decisions, and be led by the Spirit daily. Life is too short to live just for ourselves. 

Thinking of a title is actually very stressful.


Just dawned upon me that kinda change that recept brought about in me.


I used to be sooooo not 'I', can't speak fluently, awkward when meeting new people, stammer a lot when I'm thinking of something, and often saying things that sound way better in my head.

Just picked up a call, and I realized I've become so much more fluent and firm, but at the same time friendly and polite. And I was amazed! One year of training and practicing hasn't gone down the drain.

I don't necessarily think it's a bad change. In fact, it's rather good. It was such a big step out of my comfort zone. I'm such a 'S' person, I love to blend, love to stay out of the way and be backstage. I would rather do the offstage work, and not be in the limelight.

But this job pushes me to be extra smiley everyday, extra friendly on the phone, multi-task every minute of work, be very nice to everyone who is here, be really helpful and follow through on a request, be patient when meeting new people (and often weird ones). And I'm quite shocked to realize that I've gradually become more 'I', something I never thought I would be! 

And to be honest I am not exactly 'rejecting' this change in me, I quite embrace it. I love building relationships with people important to me, and I love being able to communicate well to strangers and listen to their woes (okay sometimes not really) and problems. Being able to help, is a great thing.

Not forgetting the different colleagues that I talk to on an everyday basis, exchanging smiles, greetings and whatnot. These little conversations bring life to my soul. It is so nice to be able to exchange stories with people of the same spirit and heart, always so encouraging and nice. I love it that people genuinely care, out of a good heart.

But of course, this job has its cons as well. Sometimes... you just don't want to be friendly and nice. Haha.

Well, it's a growing process.. :) 


再更深一点

i think i have the most boring blog ever. i only write and write and write.


my bad, 2012 i haven't been penning down my thoughts much. and i was just thinking to myself today, what a waste it is. because i want to be able to look back and read about how i've grown through the years.


was just pondering on the idea of companionship. 


i think it's so true that God wired us up to be relational, and that each of us having that companion. in each of our soul, we have this bucket full of words, ideals, conversations, laughters reserved to be poured out to this companion. and it's a great thing to be able to share.

but then again, it brought me back to the feeling of 'guardedness'. to me, it takes a lot to let down my guards. i feel like i'm a simple enough girl, but i am very reserved when it comes to letting people into my life. i feel that relationships should always be two-way, bit by bit, and letting the walls fall down.

i think it's important to consider who to let into the vulnerability zone. 



and... have i mentioned before how fascinated i am by people with depth? 


深度.

changes.


i didn't really know what to make of it when i first heard of it. 
and then i stayed in bed for a full 18 hours.. thinking.

i realized i have gone past that point. it didn't hurt me like how it used to. it didn't cause me the pain i was expecting it to. but it did bring about lots of confusing thoughts. after it sunk in a while, i laid there, and thought to myself, yes, i am affected by it.


and all the painful memories just came flooding back. the empty promises, the disappointments, the emotions. and... i cried and cried. yes, it's painful. but i realized the pain came from a different place. it's not out of the 'bad' pain, but it's something that just hurts, in that soft tender spot in my heart, where you still occupy.


i feel strangely replaced. i feel a little forgotten. and then i wonder why do i still give you such a big portion of my heart. where were you when i was healing? where were you when we all had to go through such a difficult time? it hurts to think that you were 'enjoying'. it seems unfair, really.


and then i read my favourite book in the bible - psalms. it brought so much comfort to my soul. always feels like God is writing a love letter to me whenever i read psalms. where would i be without You? still struggling... i'm sure.


i told myself to let it affect me for only a day, a night. and i'll move on. 

To a dear friend.

There are just some people close to your heart. So so close to your heart.
And you realize that God placed them there for a reason. 


To you, 

God alone knows your pain. He collects the tears you have shed throughout your 22 years of life. He tears and hurts together with you when you recall every bad memory of your life. He understands your need for time and space, that you need time to heal and be ready. He understands, and He is always patiently waiting for the day till you are ready to.

He is patiently waiting to embrace you in His arms. To tell you just how much He loves you. To tell you that you've been such a brave and courageous girl. To tell you He sees your pain, and is sorry to see you go through all these by yourself, alone and away from your family in another country. 

He wants to let you know that He is the story writer of your life. He holds the pen, and He is slowly writing a beautiful story out of your life. To Him, it might even be the most beautiful story He has ever written in the entire universe, cos to Him, each and every child is His favorite.

We've been through similar things. I understand that pain... through and through. My heart aches for you each time, because I know exactly how it hurts. I know how much it takes for you to say that you will start forgiving. I know because I've been there.

God placed you in my life, to go through my hardest and darkest moments together with me. God placed me in your life, and I will always be here as a friend and a cheerleader, to go through your darkest moments.

To me, the greatest consolation of it all is that God is with us. Every valley, pain, struggle, hurt. We will find strength in Him together.

I love you my dear friend. You are the best friend anyone can ask for. Even without mentioning anything here, I know you know that I'm talking to you.

A letter to Dad.

Pa,

A little belated, but Happy Father's Day.

I don't think you have any idea how much I dread this occasion. After many years down the road, it's still the same for me.

It'll always be a hole and a lack in my life. And because of you, I struggled with trust issues. And after that a couple of bad relationships, it felt like you all over again, and I realized just how deep you've hurt me by walking away, by causing such unhappiness. Whenever I got reminded of those times, whenever I reread all your emails, there will always be emotions surging through me, of sadness.

I never had a proper male model or a real man in my life before. A real father. In all my life, my fondest memory is probably you bringing me to the playground when I was 3. The rest of it is so smeared by unhappiness and distance.

I never had a proper chance to say how I really feel to you or to anyone. But if you are reading this, I just want to say, I've forgiven you. I know that deep down, you still do love us. I forgave you... many years ago. But the healing takes time... and I might never be able to forget the hurt and perhaps it'll always remain as an untreatable sore in my heart.

Even through all these, I found strength and love in someone bigger, someone whose love does not run out. That, alone, saved me. I don't know where would I be if I haven't found that saving grace.

That Father will weave a beautiful story out of my pain... He alone will.

I haven't seen you for more than 2 years... I'm not ready to face you yet or to have a conversation with you... But I pray with all my heart that you'll find happiness and fulfillment that you've been looking for all your life. I pray that you'll see what's truly important and pursue them, instead of things that will pass away. I pray that in the midst of it all, you'll find the same peace that I've found and we can meet in heaven.

Pa, I really pray you'll be happy. And I await that day of reconciliation, when we are all ready, in God's love.


Ting.

the magnificent creation.

it's a good thing to be close to nature once in a while.


this morning i purposely woke up at 4.50am to try and catch the sunrise. but all i saw was fog and drizzle and clouds. but in the distance i saw the waves roaring in to the beach... birds chirping nearby...

not picture perfect. but it was beautiful still...

i went back to bed touched to the core. every single thing that God created is so beautiful.
sometimes we get so caught up with busyness we fail to just pause, and see.
everything around us, God created them. and it's so magnificent.


today we went to a 香草 place. saw the different mints. there were at least 4-5 of them, each so uniquely different and smells different as well. i was so amazed! add to them the beautiful roses, and different flowers... 


i was touched again. God put in so much thought in creating these things. down to every single detail. 
it's amazing, ain't it?



a pause from work is a very good thing.
had the chance to know God as someone real... and you can see Him everywhere.

or maybe it's because i've been reading The Shack, so everything seems to be that little more personal. 
how i yearn to see You face to face one day... 

On the wings of prayer.

"On the wings of prayer our burdens take flight, 
And our load of care becomes bearable light,
And our heavy hearts are lifted above,
To be healed by the balm of God's wonderful love,
And the tears in our eyes are dried by the hands of a loving Father who understands. 
All of our problems, our fears and despair, 
when we take them to Him. 
On the wings of prayer."


Such a touching poem. :)

thoughts.

thinking about the ones lost, the ones gained, the ones who got away, the ones let go...

listened to a sermon earlier. he said, we reminiscence about the 'good old days'. 
but we fail to realize, aging makes us forget the 'bad' in the 'good old days'. 

there's a reason why they left, 
there's a reason why they are not here anymore, 
there's a reason why we've moved on with our lives,
there's a reason why we are where we are today.


do we really want to turn back time and relive certain periods of our lives?
would we have the wisdom we have now to correct a mistake then if we turned back time?
what would change if we have chosen differently?
what would change ... where we are now. who are the ones with us now. 
what would change? 


where we are now ... 
is it a result of wise decisions we've made, or we simply just let life live without us living in it?


many have left, many have moved on, many are no longer with us.
isn't it a funny feeling to know that they were part of us?
and somehow, the winds of life blow people apart such that we look at each other now and feel a strange sense of unfamiliarity yet backed with such a subtle sense of closeness.


these people ... they might not come back into our lives anymore.
and we will continue our lives living in distances that will only grow larger.
and by a stroke of coincidence, we will meet one day on the streets.
and realise ... hey we've all changed.



i will keep those dear to me even dearer to me.

Staying young.

Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years.
People grow old only by deserting their ideals.
Years wrinkle the skin but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul.

Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair . . .
these are the quick equivalents of the
long years that bow the head and turn
the growing spirit back to dust.

Whether 70 or 16, there is, in every being’s heart the love of
wonder, the sweet amazement of the stars, and the star-like
things and thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events,
the unfailing childlike appetite for “What Next?”


You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt,
as young as your self-confidence, as old as your fear,
as young as your hope, as old as your despair.


So long as your heart receives messages of
beauty, cheer, courage, grandeur and power from
the earth, from man and from the Infinite, so long are you young.

When all the wires are down, and all the
central places of your heart are covered with
the snows of pessimism and the ice of cynicism,
then, and only then, are you grown old indeed,
and may God have mercy on your soul. 

- Samuel Ullman

Beautiful poem. May our hearts never grow old, may it stay ever young, with that sweet amazement and unfailing childlike appetite. Such a thing to constantly remember... Touched.

The Heart.

I feel that this period of time, God has been dealing with my heart a lot. Many do not see the struggles and the conflicts within my heart. Of letting go, and letting God. If you don't see, doesn't mean it's not.

I feel that God is teaching me to declutter my heart. Sometimes we allow many experiences, scars, wounds to hurt us, that our heart is not 'whole' anymore. And these can even stop us from drawing near to God. Saw on twitter a few days ago, does time really heal? We don't know for sure, but we know that Jesus will.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."
Pure heart = Pure vision.

Coming into a place of yieldedness and brokeness before the Lord. And these, I know He doesn't despise.

I'm happy at where I'm at now, because I feel Him closer than ever before, and these experiences won't be wasted. I've come a long way in being stubborn... But only He knows the ways of my heart.

Mondays.

I love Mondays. If you don't already know that.


People always ask me... So what do you do on your off days?

Well... I'm afraid the answer would change how people think of me. Hurhur. Or mostly people who are not close to me. 

Contrary to what most people think, I hate going out. Okay maybe hate is a strong word. Maybe dislike is better. I stay home on Mondays. I strongly believe that we all need days where we just hole up and disappear from the world. One day, I'm gonna try disappearing without my phone. When I don't need to answer to anyone, answer any questions, or even talk for the matter. (And that's why my replies are slower on Mondays....)

There is just something so powerful in staying away. At least for me. I work hard five and a half days of the week, and I NEED this off day, to just disappear. I don't really need to do anything in particular but I do love to do the usuals, cooking, reading and watching my shows. 

I stay strictly protective over my Mondays... I only give exceptions to exceptional cases... If I don't feel well-rested, I feel that I will start the week with an unhappy and unrested soul and I absolutely dislike that.


Well, something about me. I love my Mondays. Period. :)

beauty for ashes


To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, 
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, 
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”


so beautiful. beauty for ashes.

grown interest, passion.

had a talk with a friend a few days earlier.


got me into thinking, maybe this society has carved us in such a way that we 'grow' into liking something, 'grow' into being passionate about something. just because it is so suffocating as it is, a dreamless, hopeless society that doesn't really encourage us to be who we are.


studying: no long a kind of gaining knowledge process, but it's just something we are kind of forced into.

how many people actually are studying what they don't like? what they can't wait to get out of. and overtime, we are forced to grow to like what we are doing, not because we already have that interest in the beginning, but because it is what we are familiar, what we are 'supposed' to like.

so in turn, we grow into having an interest in what we didn't think we would have an interest in, and we become passionate about something short lived. I don't think that this is something that creates longevity. I believe this 'grown' passion dies...

because only our hearts truly know what we are called to do. and we can't find fulfillment till the day we find our place. we can survive through life, thinking this is what we can grow to like. sure, some may become successful. but there will be times, when we wonder. is it worth it?

they say, "follow your heart". and i truly believe in that. our minds can tell us and analyze a million paths we should take that easily seem better than what our hearts tell us. but at the end of day, our hearts know best.


crafty.


it all started when i wanted to do a card for someone's birthday but didnt have anything at home at all. so i started to collect magazines and buying construction paper. and then it got pretty boring as to me, these two items limit my creativity.


so i started collecting scrapbook papers. ranging from pretty florals to lines etc. started buying foam alphabets to stick. then i fell in love with the whole japanese washi tape craze, and started buying LOTS of tapes.

went china, couldnt resist the cheap buys. bought rubber stamps, even more papers, dollies, even more tapes, cute stickers, kraft paper... and my collection grew like never before.


crafting is an expensive hobby.


roughly calculated all that i've spent, i probably have spent in the hundreds already. over a short period of 2 years? my dear washi tapes cost me a bomb.

but its really something that i'm so passionate about. i want to collect all the pretty things in the world! once i have my own house... i dream of having my own craft room with the different materials categorized neatly in cupboards.

wish i had more time to do more!
wish i had more money to buy more!

as of now... i dont think i'll ever stop this hobby of mine... :)

記得每一次的感動

想用繁體寫一寫此刻的心情。


昨晚去了五月天｛諾亞方舟｝演唱會。
有些事和東西，就是那麼地貼近你的心。
記得我是從2003年，｛時光機｝開始喜歡上五月天。起初只是覺得專輯設計和概念很特別。漸漸地，開始聽以往的歌曲，開始愛上他們那麼熱情的態度，對生命生活的看法。不久後，也成為自己的信念。


10年了。還是一樣地感動。
他們的歌，陪我走過好多路。
坎坷的，艱難的，開心的....
我記得每首歌給過我的感動。

是他們，讓我從新愛上中文。愛上語言、文字的魅力。
沒有他們，我也不會讀中文系。
如果沒讀中文系，我今天... 會在哪裡？


覺得除了自己以外，不會有幾個人了解我在說甚麼。
而有些感動，只能自己藏在心里，自己明瞭。


五月天，他們的音樂給了我音樂。
給了我一種生活的態度。
陪伴我在最孤獨的夜晚。
讓我流淚，讓我感動。


不管你們來幾次，我都會默默地在台下支持著你們。
謝謝有你們的音樂。謝謝你們當初找到了勇氣去追夢想。
因而成就了很多人追夢的放肆。


Elusive.

Didn't have a notebook and a pen with me to jot down what I feel... So decided to blog it.

Today was quite a day. Maybe when you didn't start the day well it'll all end not as well? I dont know... Little things, big things.. Seem to affect me a lot.

Was just thinking the other day, what I'm working as now, it is very different from my peers. They are all studying, or working to save for uni. And sometimes, reading through twitter, Facebook, and kind of think, their worries and my worries are very different. Not that im boasting that I'm the more mature one or anything like that. Far from it. Just that sometimes I wonder if I started on this journey a little too soon? Like I'm expected to faster grow up and take some responsibilities, with my limited experience. Being clueless about things, I somehow got to find my way.....

Sometimes I wonder what would it be like if I were studying instead.

But yet on the other hand, I'm so grateful to be where I am today.. What a privilege to be able to serve one of the greatest man on earth now (IMO), even if it's doing very little things, I'm grateful.. Ytd was just washing his bottle, and was thinking to myself, even if that's what's required of me for the rest of my life, for Him and for this great leader, I would do it.

Called to be different? Called to be set apart? Is this what that means?

Above all, my life is not mine... I'll be where God leads me. And what matters to Him matters to me.

Doing all the little things that my job requires. And I know God is faithful. He will fight for me.

"It had never occured to me that our lives would have been so closely interwoven. Could unravel with such speed. If I'd known, maybe I'd have kept tighter hold of them. And not let unseen ties pull us apart."

- Never Let Me Go

Insecurities.

maybe its the time of the night again....

thinking.

we always dont get another person's insecurities, do we? we can never understand, until we've experienced it. thus for us to share about them, is a big step of trust. trust that the vulnerability wont be violated. trust that somehow, that party has got a solution to help you. trust that somehow, our insecurities will become securities.

but we always find our securities in the funniest places.

so far, i've struggled quite a bit in this area. i think its a girl thing as well. or is it even right for me to always blame things on my father? so far... i've not been in this area for very long now. because God spoke to me before and i've learnt to trust in Him. but being humans, we fall, we stumble..

cant help but wonder... will things always be this way?




some nostalgic stuff. so led me to dig out some old stuff. and realised... since young.. i've always been the very giving person. those kind that give all that they can, because they trust easily. and always giving people the benefit of doubt, seeing the better side in people. give my time, my efforts, my thoughts.

and i remembered my Chinese teacher in poly said before, these are the kind of people who will get hurt easily.

i flipped through the many letters, notebook, gifts i've gave to my sis, mum, friends. read all the notes... and i've always tried to give my best when i can. even when my parents' marriage was failing, i wrote in a note to my sister that i felt we should appreciate my dad more.

maybe my teacher was right, and that is why i was so affected.. or am still so affected by things and people.. thinking why is it that i always try my best, but get disappointment in return? or have i put my heart in the wrong place?


and then i try to link it all back to my dad. and try to 'blame' him for who i am now. how many times can a child do that before that excuse expires? or is it a valid enough reason that i am wired up in this way? because truth is, he really did leave a big hole and gap in my life. as much as i want to forget and move on, i still think of the incidents that happened, think of him, think of the what ifs. but is it fair to him that i feel this way?

i've no answer...


the heart indeed, is a lonely hunter.

i wish i had a normal daddy. the earthly one.
then maybe my insecurities wouldnt be so... real.
then maybe i wouldnt disappoint myself.


"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."

- Slyvia Plath