hello.

Today was quite a day. Maybe when you didn't start the day well it'll all end not as well? I dont know... Little things, big things.. Seem to affect me a lot.

Was just thinking the other day, what I'm working as now, it is very different from my peers. They are all studying, or working to save for uni. And sometimes, reading through twitter, Facebook, and kind of think, their worries and my worries are very different. Not that im boasting that I'm the more mature one or anything like that. Far from it. Just that sometimes I wonder if I started on this journey a little too soon? Like I'm expected to faster grow up and take some responsibilities, with my limited experience. Being clueless about things, I somehow got to find my way.....

Sometimes I wonder what would it be like if I were studying instead.

But yet on the other hand, I'm so grateful to be where I am today.. What a privilege to be able to serve one of the greatest man on earth now (IMO), even if it's doing very little things, I'm grateful.. Ytd was just washing his bottle, and was thinking to myself, even if that's what's required of me for the rest of my life, for Him and for this great leader, I would do it.

Called to be different? Called to be set apart? Is this what that means?

Above all, my life is not mine... I'll be where God leads me. And what matters to Him matters to me.

Doing all the little things that my job requires. And I know God is faithful. He will fight for me.

"It had never occured to me that our lives would have been so closely interwoven. Could unravel with such speed. If I'd known, maybe I'd have kept tighter hold of them. And not let unseen ties pull us apart."

- Never Let Me Go

maybe its the time of the night again....

thinking.

we always dont get another person's insecurities, do we? we can never understand, until we've experienced it. thus for us to share about them, is a big step of trust. trust that the vulnerability wont be violated. trust that somehow, that party has got a solution to help you. trust that somehow, our insecurities will become securities.

but we always find our securities in the funniest places.

so far, i've struggled quite a bit in this area. i think its a girl thing as well. or is it even right for me to always blame things on my father? so far... i've not been in this area for very long now. because God spoke to me before and i've learnt to trust in Him. but being humans, we fall, we stumble..

cant help but wonder... will things always be this way?

some nostalgic stuff. so led me to dig out some old stuff. and realised... since young.. i've always been the very giving person. those kind that give all that they can, because they trust easily. and always giving people the benefit of doubt, seeing the better side in people. give my time, my efforts, my thoughts.

and i remembered my Chinese teacher in poly said before, these are the kind of people who will get hurt easily.

i flipped through the many letters, notebook, gifts i've gave to my sis, mum, friends. read all the notes... and i've always tried to give my best when i can. even when my parents' marriage was failing, i wrote in a note to my sister that i felt we should appreciate my dad more.

maybe my teacher was right, and that is why i was so affected.. or am still so affected by things and people.. thinking why is it that i always try my best, but get disappointment in return? or have i put my heart in the wrong place?

and then i try to link it all back to my dad. and try to 'blame' him for who i am now. how many times can a child do that before that excuse expires? or is it a valid enough reason that i am wired up in this way? because truth is, he really did leave a big hole and gap in my life. as much as i want to forget and move on, i still think of the incidents that happened, think of him, think of the what ifs. but is it fair to him that i feel this way?

i've no answer...

the heart indeed, is a lonely hunter.

i wish i had a normal daddy. the earthly one.

then maybe my insecurities wouldnt be so... real.

then maybe i wouldnt disappoint myself.

"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."

- Slyvia Plath