hello.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.



我不想做了啦...
我不要我不要我不要！


但是没有时间了！
怎么办怎么办怎么办


我很累了啦.....
我什么都不好....


让我任性一下...

hao de zai jian.

right at this moment, i just want to say and share how i feel. i've been following Sun's tweets everyday and i am so so touched by her.


when i read on facebook that she was going to Haiti personally to help out, i really wowed out loud. i mean, she has other stuff that she could focus on, other stuff to do what with such a packed schedule ahead of her this year.. but no.. she still went to Haiti, and by road it was a day's travel.


and looking at all the pictures, and how she is spreading hope and love in Haiti, helping out as best as she can, i just want to say, just how proud i am of Sun.

her journey to where she is now must have been hard. she never gave up. but she is still so real at the same time. she is so passionate at what she firmly believes in, and she is forever so giving.. she gave her whole life...
she truly exemplifies what she says and believes in..


and i was just thinking... i want to be just like her when i grow up, someone with a big heart, big faith, and big love.

it takes 7times more firepower to gain new ground.

it also takes 7times more firepower to wake tingting up.


Record:

1) 30 or more missed calls by zhangyun, shumin, caryn before i woke up one fateful morning.
2) 50 smses by jasmine and fangxiu calling from 6plus till 7am another fateful morning which happens to be this morning.




i dont know what happened to tingting srsly. i used to wake up at the slightest of noise. but now i think only an earthquake can wake me up.


thanks to all who always patiently call me and spam my inbox and phone these few days and weeks. no idea how grateful i am! mainly my classmates! and a few others. xie xie ni men very much.

this has got to be the craziest sem ever....



and i really literally find it hard to breath these days!



whoever said poly is easy... clearly is from JC...
(okay i dont make sense.)


i'm only eating dinner now!

:) 2 yrs plus in this ministry and its awesome pretty much :)



we are all growing up and going china soonnnn. (i look tall lol!)
loveeeee eddie's pose heeee.


okay la. assignments pretty much 'enjoyable' in a way now cos at least i know what to do and all. hahaaaaaaa.


--------------------------------

wisdom wisdom! so so impt!

--------------------------------

rantsssss. thanks for listening to me la you! haaha.
though i really want to drink the orange juice from your house nowwwww.
:)

may IS important!

was reading my old blog posts last week,
and its so interesting to see how i used to think and feel 2,3 years ago.

and was thinking i somehow lost that part of me along the way.

that wide-eyed, come what may, super willing to accept anything and experiencing everything kinda girl. may seem naive at first, but i think otherwise. :)

it is such a funny thing to see how we all change. and we all do, whether knowingly or not and whether we like it or not. and how along the way, those little pieces make up who you are.


we are all in the big quest for the big 'Who we really are?' search in our lives.




and ashlee simpson has been my kinda guilty pleasure. i've been secretly enjoying her 'autobiography' album since it first came out yearsss ago. haha. and i rmb how marcus used to keep 'pieces of me' in his nokia phone (its always nokia btw) cos i loved that song back then. haha. miss 4D!

勉强中！！
(means 在读书 in jap)



with my pink nails.

gogogogogo.

hi. this is my 747th blog post. lol. i personally think that number is quite monstrous. lolll.


we got our landddd!! was so so excited!


with tears in my eyes, shouting and clapping for joy.
nothing beats the joy of having a long-awaited promise coming to pass.


really reminds that sometimes, the best things are worth the wait and process.
after yearssss of prayers.


awesome awesome :)


so so thankful to be part of this historical moment.
our OWN mini stadium!! wowwww!!!


coming to 5 years in this house, and its so awesome i really cant imagine my life elsewhere.


love my church, love PK, love my family, love God. :)

i entered a really weird and undescribable phase of my life.


have been watching awe-inspiring movies about how women and girls weather the storms of life and truly becoming who they are.


the question is, why is it so important to know who we are?
will knowing who we are, promise us a better future?
or being true to yourself, will it promise a storm-less future?


and not mentioning the number of inner struggles one has to go through, to 'arrive there'.


question is, is there truly a perfect place for us to 'arrive'?
it seems and feels as if... once we've struggled and clawed through a series of things, and thought we've learnt enough, there comes another series of struggles, to push us further.
no.. theres no perfect place for us to 'arrive'.


what seems to be picture perfect may not always be the case.


and in life, ALL of our hearts, harbour our deepest fears.
and in our lives, ALL of us must learn to deal with our fears.


cynical as i can be, i've never believed in this word 'fearless'.
at best, we are all operating in spite of our fears.

but what happens when the fears become overpowering? when everyday, you seem to be this tiny little voice shouting 'i can do it', while your fears threaten to shake even that little belief that you still have.


and what about disappointments?

i've always had a hole in my heart. something that no matter what happens, will always remain there. a hole that my earthly father left in me.

thank God for His love, or i'll never be able to step out of this. but the truth is it will be something that will be stuck in me forever.


and i've learnt to deal with my disappointments.


but who knows? this 'disappointment' word comes in all sorts of shape and weight. you never seem to get around it.



i used to be this really cheery and 'everything will be okay' kinda girl. it is good, absolutely. but it didnt prepare me for all the stuff that are going to happen.


i've learnt that sometimes, you have to go through sunshineless days, go through absolutely painful and hurtful times in life.
days when 'everything will be okay' sounds like a fairytale.
days when the whole world doesnt understand and is screaming and expecting you to just get up on your feet, and you just simply cant.
days when you feel utterly lonely and helpless, and you just dont know how.


and some people may just deem you as 'faithless', or behaving immaturely, or being emotional.


these are some of the things that i have been thinking. looong entry. and thoughts all over the place.
but if you've gone through it, you'll definitely know what i'm talking about.


dont worry, i am not becoming pessimistic about life, all these are absolutely necessary, to pull me to the correct direction.
in anything, i still do have that optimistic side of me inside.


at the end of the day, it is my life, Your song.
and it is the end of me, that is the beginning of You.

i dont know how to say anything anymore.
i dont know how to explain myself anymore.


things that grip my heart



so i will learn to speak lesser.
i will learn to be at peace with myself and the world.
finding joy at the things i love doing.



words can sting and hurt. bad.


well all i can say is, good for you. :)

and the angel said,
"Every man hath the right to doubt his task, and to forsake it from time to time; but what he must not do is forget it. Whoever doubteth not himself is unworthy - for in his unquestioning belief in his ability, he commiteth the sin of pride. Blessed are they who go through moments of indecision."




pondered upon it and it changed my thinking 180degree.
blessed is him who doubts, so he'll learn trust and grace, not by one's own ability.

most exciting addition so far in 2010 is the moleskine. i've been having such an adventure with it and what with it carrying my innermost feelings and thoughts. and i realised things get so much clearer after i've written it down, it helps to see things in a different light.


sleeping in black bed again. :)




happy for you!

----------------------------

很多时候要常提醒自己，不要想太多。


陈绮贞真的每次都唱出我的心情。


像“太聪明”里，
‘想的太多不会有结果’...


每次听她的歌，都有种说不出的感受。
她太了解我了吧... lol.

watched this over a span of two days. and i loved it.

i loved the idea of an 'alternate universe', where all of our 'how i wish' come to pass.
and no matter how young or old, we all have got this 'alternate universe' inside all of us. true?

where we dont have to face our fears, where we get what we want, where we dont have insecurities, where the world just literally revolves around us.

until we learn.

and i totally relate to coraline (its coraline not caroline, i had to repeat a few times to get it). growing up and even through those years of hardgoing, i always always had my own 'alternate universe', with my 'Other Mother' and 'Other Father'.



loved this:
"Nothing out here. Its the empty part of this world. She only made what she knew would impress you."


what impresses us.... always the best for us?
sometimes theres perfection in imperfection.


------------------------------------

whenever i feel this way, i plug in to my 'power' song. it spurs me on.


still lack that bit of courage.
still lack that bit of belief.
still lack that bit of faith.

i just bought pink nail polish to cheer myself up. lol.

my second OPI. :)






me and shumin are addicted.



my secret life desire is to own every pretty colour of nail polish ever and have a hugeee collection. so whenever i'm :( i'll paint my nails some bright cheery colour. :)

they say a picture paints a thousand words.



and yes i really do believe so. especially with the effort put in.

i took hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of shots just to perfect that one picture.
went to all sorts of places.
braved the rain, spent money.
got lost.


just for that 10 pictures.


----------------------------


i dont understand whyyyyy.....
can you please explain to me whyy?

知道为什么它到现在还是我second most played song吗？一年了。



鱼只有7秒钟的记忆。

就是为什么它们只会兜着圈子游来游去，
一天一天地...每天只会游来游去，或抢食物。
直到死的那一天。


它曾不要求什么，不奢求什么。


很快的忘了刚游过的地方，很快的忘了所有残忍的事。


小小的鱼儿，不管小生命发生什么大事，
倒数 7，6，5，4，3，2，1，
就忘了。


不管受过什么伤害，
倒数 7，6，5，4，3，2，1，
什么都是全新的。



它们是只有未来，没有过去的种类。


dont you wish that sometimes life is like that?


and after understanding all these, thats why the song is so so breathtaking and deep in its own way. even after a year. and finding the song even more meaningful than before.






amazing how each and every life in this world is so carefully thought of and designed, for its own unique purpose in this world, including fishes.

okay so i didnt sleep again.

checked weather forecast (checked 2 sources) and said that between 7-8am there will be thunderstorms. and at 6am, it was rumbling and the sky looked like it was going to rain. so decided not to go to changi beach with eddie.


so after that, i decorated and arranged my moleskine a bit.

and after that i spent the longest of time, trying to self-time myself! but failed big time! took close to 50 shots self-timed. and gave up. looked for alternatives. and spending the whole morning on photoshop. and taking and trying out lots of shots.



sigh. after some serious research and thinking through and planning, i finally have a plan as to how to get about taking the rest of the pictures.



techniques!
and i am mad tired. zzzzzzzzz.


in between still trying to squeeze in time to do all the elearning nonsense when it is not elearning at all with school everyday.



okay i shall continue to do stuffxzxzxzx.

---------------------------------








it was fun :)

---------------------------------

hot milo with excess powder & pearly soya are kinda my comfort food.
make me feel a little better. works like choco for me.

one week, at least 3 times of pearly soya.
3x2=$6 per week
6x52=$312 per year.
(as corrected by mx)

and thats only at least.

---------------------------------

past few days werent the best. i was so down. mostly spent crying, falling sick, eating panadol, losing appetite, eating alot lesser, frustrated, angry, lying in bed, yelling, couldnt fall asleep, sleeping too much etc. until i realised... i've built a wall around myself. afraid, unwilling, scared, running away, withdrawing.

the heart was weary, the heart wasnt willing to face any more stabs, and i completely lost myself. its something i cannot explain with words.. it was kinda the most depressing period i've ever had. i could really feel the pain in me, each time i cry.

and as i sat down and got truthful with myself.. i realised i have fears here and there, gripping my heart. and past failures, stalling my progress. and things that i dont want to face....

i've always ran away and withdrew....

i dont know the reason why i became like this the past few days... i have no answer. i guess i allowed everything to roll into one, and it all burst at that point of time. everything came out like vomit. and i wasnt strong enough to balance and control.



give me time. to stand again. to regain my composure. to sort myself out, and deal with things one by one. not running away this time.

---------------------------------

going to changi beach for sunrise later. hope it doesnt rain.

havent had a good start to the NY. fell sick, and had a few bad days/nights. and most of the time stressed about the photog portfolio.




butttttttttt. i shall chiong somemore for the remaining of the sem. still got loads to complete and accomplish. xxxxx.

just suddenly felt.. and strike me..


that i dont belong. seems like i'm trying hard and trying too hard.


but in the end?




------------------------------

2010.

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
wherever you're going I'm going your way.

Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end--
waiting 'round the bend,
my huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

-song on replay.
-----------------------------------


"a child can always teach an adult three things: to be happy for no reason, to always be busy with something, and to know how to demand with all his might that which he desires."

"until now only the children have been able to overcome what took place, because they have no past -- for them, everything that matters is the present moment."

-from a book i just finished. makes me want to be a child again.
----------------------------------


"maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. maybe you have to let go of who you were... to become who you will be."


"so many roads, so many detours. so many choices, so many mistakes. as we drive along this road called 'life', occasionally a girl will find herself a little lost. and when that happens, i guess she has to let go of the coulda, woulda, shoulda, buckle up and just keep going. as we speed along an endless road, destination called "who we hope to be", i cant help but whine. are we there yet?"


-quotes from a show i've been watching.
----------------------------------



i have nothing else to say about 09.
10 looks like a more whole number.


life has a funny way of encouraging you.. in the most unexpected way..
if you let it.



hello moleskin.