hello.

oh.i realised i did come online on thurs.to download something.haha.

well..i didnt come online for the past week cos i know i will spend hours and then not studying.and then..i went to read huiying's blog.and..ohman.i was crying like hell can.i was so so touched you know.i thought you have forgotten about how we set up the blog,how the 'bus' icon was so hilarious,how that eeeeeeemao[with 7 es] came abt.everytime i go to your blog,that eeeeeeemao thing,that bus icon is still there..then i always get reminded of the times when we were still friends you know.and you know what?i missed being your friend so much.haha. :) you know,everytime i hear yuan dian, or hear any song that we used to sing together,then i will be thinking like,everytime you hear this song will you be reminded of me kinda thing cos they all remind me of you.all these while i have been like that..and i didnt know how to tell you or how to patch up..my house when my sis buys dark chocolate i will have the urge to bring to school to give to you but then i will realise,we are 'not friends' anymore.and you know what?your blog is always the first one i type to go.i read all your posts..i still visit i do.and i'm sorry for reading your entry so late..i dont feel angry or hurt now..i used to feel them so strongly whenever i am reminded of your post.a few days back i was thinking and i actually felt numb about you.you know whenever people like elaine or angel ask if i've patch up with you,i'll feel so..awkward you know..and through all my arguements with you,somehow,if this is considered being patched up already,i feel that after going through this,our friendship wont be as 'weak' already you know..?yeah.

and my house still got meiji dark choco.it looks nice.haha.

haa.just a sudden thought while watching 有话就说 just shoot show.and reminded of this certain article i read in liverpool..

you know,when one dies,you actually leave a hole in the world.cos of what could have and should have been.who knows,the best friend that so needs you wouldnt even have the chance to meet you.your wife or hubby that should be he or she cannot meet.and the dreams you yourself should fulfil.the inspiration you could be to others.

i always wonder..when one ends their life prematurely,will God up there got to rearrange every line of intersection and every meetings,everybody's lives and how He must arrange for another kind to meet the person whom was supposed to meet that dead person..?

isnt everything like so amazing..?how YOU and I just meet and..be friends.we may end up forgetting each other BUT you were still part of my life.

and your life is so precious.imagine that big hole you will leave in the world..everytime you think of something like that,somehow,all your problems and worries become so minute.cos..life goes on.your problem will get solved.maybe you will live in regrets,but its your choice aint it?everything's about choices.

and hey,lam,somehow,i think its your choice too. :)

wah seh!every episode is like getting me hooked more and more.wanted to go watch at youtube but i realised their episode different from ours so its very difficult to track down and wont be in connection with channel u's one so i didnt.ahh!i really wanna watch!ohman!why is Olevel coming now??why are they showing it now?WHY?!! :(

ohman.i think shin's really charming la.haha.but the cousin cuter.really!haha.

and i guess this kinda drama is very popular among girls cos alot of them will be drooling over the cute guys and then imagine ourselves in that girl's shoes right.hahaha.okay nvm.hahaha.

another new gang of people came to collect money again..yet again.at least they are reasonable.we had a period of peace.finally.now please dont disrupt it.please tell me you've paid up.please dont let all the drama take place all over again.i cant take it anymore..there you are in china.here are we helping you face all these.is it fair?you dont have the capital you jolly well dont invest la.why do you have to try so hard to be one of the businessmen who tries to get onto that china train..?i mean.why make life difficult?wheres the salary or the income you said you would get ages ago?whos the breadwinner in this family?you are just living off mama you know.without her,you wont even have the money to pay the bills.

i would rather you get a decent job.get a humble paycheck.then start building on it.you dont go to the university and get a certificate for nothing you know.all you want is for sister to go and get a certificate and you disapprove of her being an air stewardess.but you yourself,graduated from university.being sucha failure.speaks alot huh?your own daughter is earning much more than you.and i'm sure i will too.

ohman.the first episode of goong is so so so nice already,WHAT ABT THE REST MAN.watch it!its so so cool.hahahaha.somehow i think the cousin more charming lei.haha.and i'm already excited abt tmr's episode.i'm trying so hard not to go www.youtube.com to watch the rest of the drama.hahaa.

ohyes.xiaoting planned a very hectic timetable for me this week.i'm going.byebye!study hard!i'm doing log now!hahaha.log.

anyway,when you fart on sand,will produce sound one not har?then will the spaces consume the smell..?hahaha.

hmmm..i was reminded of something that happened the other time when i was out with xiaoting..haha.we were at tanah merah and then there was this little boy..

he was alone.i think.so he ran to the board to see how many mins the train arriving.so he ran back to where xt and i were sitting and then squatted down and put his drawing block on the seat and started drawing.the seat was too high for him,so he took the drawing block and went to sit beside the pillar and started drawing on the floor.

i was so impacted but this little boy lei.cos after that xt told me,'tingting,thats passion.'and i was like..wow.a little boy.passion?but can really see him so engrossed and so in love with his drawing that..it shows lor.passion.wah..haha.

and isnt it so cool..?ahahha.passion ey.

sorry cally.i guess i sounded harsher than i should.but i'm really so hurt.considering this ben saga has been going on for like..so long.i'm angry.why you guys always prefer ben,always go out with ben,always always with ben.i'm hurt.i really am.ya,you guys told me that hes like a temporary replacement for me.but is the temporary dragging a bit too long..?why dont you guys ask me go anywhere again..?i know i havent been hanging ard with you guys for a start.but that doesnt mean i will always be like that.i know its my fault from the start.i chose to forget about it and now its hurting more and more.can you imagine how i feel when i call either of you guys and then i hear laughters,people talking merrily,you guys having so much fun joking around..when i'm like at home alone..??i'm telling you,it hurts to get replaced just like that.time with your fave ben is more precious than time with ting right?ohyeah.i know how it feels..

i guess we are just not sensitive enough to each other's feelings and all.thats why we are resorting to other means and ways.ying through that guy,cally through ben,huiying through blogging and gordan surina.and me?by jiaxin,elaine..to get that kind of concern and love we lack so badly in our friendships.that kind of attention.that kind of,hey i'm listening to you,kinda mood.WHEN CAN WE STOP ALL THIS?THIS IS GETTING TIRING.REALLY TIRING.WHEN CAN ALL THESE HURTINGS STOP?

the problem's not with one person.the problem is us.we are the problem.and if we dont settle it,it will never be solved and it goes on forever.and the same things will happen again.i really hate how our friendships end up.

ying,you know,that thing that you said,'eh you really dont care le hor,you dont even read our blogs'.really stuck with me.that means that this kinda thinking has been with you from very early and that problem didnt solve at all..your blogs are always the first hits when i go online can..

and i know it irritates you but really..i hate going toilets.i know it sounds laughable and perhaps,i'm the only one around whos like that.but i really hate toilets.simple as that.yes,i do give in and go with you guys sometimes.but other times,i really hate going to toilets.i hate all the dilly-dally in the toilets..cos we will be late for lessons and even though the monitress thing is like a tag only,but i do feel the need to be responsible.i hate it when i let mrs chew down cos i know she places high expectations of me..so i really hate going late for classes.if it's a little while its alright la,but you guys always drag till 10-15 mins into the lesson and i'll always suggest going back early and huiying will give me black face..thats why i hate going toilets..i do still take that little pride in being a monitress..even if it sounds laughable.

and i guess you think that little concern and stuff from him is very touching and nice is because,the take for granted thing is never solved at all.huiying also said..she'll feel better when outsiders ask just a simple question.but from us,it sounds fake.like for instance,we already become so immune to each other not caring that..little things sound disgusting.how long since a sincere 'i love you and appreciate you' come from each of our mouths?the cracks are appearing.we are having more problems.soon,everyone else will start feeling it.or already.

cos,doesnt it sound familiar?about my family problems,i didnt get the concern from you guys,so i resorted to getting it from other people.cally didnt get the concern when shes at her most down,so she got it from other ways and now still cant recover.huiying,she didnt get it too,so shes having thoughts that she dont mean anything to us,that her jokes are not appreciated anymore.ying,she didnt get her concern too,so now shes getting that kinda love from another friend and when we didnt accept that new source of concern,she got really affected.isnt it like a vicious cycle?soon,i'll start experiencing it again..then cally..then huiying..then ying.and it goes on..

yes we have fun.but we dont spend quality time together.those times that we spent together are forgettable.where did all the quality time go?heart to heart talks?soul to soul talks?lots of time,when we need the attention,the rest just laugh it off.

are we too afraid to let others into our lives?or is it we are trying too hard to become someone we are not?or are we trying to cover up our flaws so we dont feel inferior?or we just act someone else up so we can have that 'special' feeling while hanging out with this gang?

just where do each of us stand in each of our hearts?are we important?are we significant?why do we feel left out so easily in our friendships?why do everything just crumble and stumble when little things crop up?

no,how many 'i love you's and 'i appreciate you's really dont sound sincere now.cos the root and that kind of persuasion or foundations of our friendships have not been laid.we cant truly enjoy each other's company if all these just continue.