i didn't really know what to make of it when i first heard of it. 

and then i stayed in bed for a full 18 hours.. thinking.

i realized i have gone past that point. it didn't hurt me like how it used to. it didn't cause me the pain i was expecting it to. but it did bring about lots of confusing thoughts. after it sunk in a while, i laid there, and thought to myself, yes, i am affected by it.

and all the painful memories just came flooding back. the empty promises, the disappointments, the emotions. and... i cried and cried. yes, it's painful. but i realized the pain came from a different place. it's not out of the 'bad' pain, but it's something that just hurts, in that soft tender spot in my heart, where you still occupy.

i feel strangely replaced. i feel a little forgotten. and then i wonder why do i still give you such a big portion of my heart. where were you when i was healing? where were you when we all had to go through such a difficult time? it hurts to think that you were 'enjoying'. it seems unfair, really.

and then i read my favourite book in the bible - psalms. it brought so much comfort to my soul. always feels like God is writing a love letter to me whenever i read psalms. where would i be without You? still struggling... i'm sure.

i told myself to let it affect me for only a day, a night. and i'll move on.