Pa,

A little belated, but Happy Father's Day.

I don't think you have any idea how much I dread this occasion. After many years down the road, it's still the same for me.

It'll always be a hole and a lack in my life. And because of you, I struggled with trust issues. And after that a couple of bad relationships, it felt like you all over again, and I realized just how deep you've hurt me by walking away, by causing such unhappiness. Whenever I got reminded of those times, whenever I reread all your emails, there will always be emotions surging through me, of sadness.

I never had a proper male model or a real man in my life before. A real father. In all my life, my fondest memory is probably you bringing me to the playground when I was 3. The rest of it is so smeared by unhappiness and distance.

I never had a proper chance to say how I really feel to you or to anyone. But if you are reading this, I just want to say, I've forgiven you. I know that deep down, you still do love us. I forgave you... many years ago. But the healing takes time... and I might never be able to forget the hurt and perhaps it'll always remain as an untreatable sore in my heart.

Even through all these, I found strength and love in someone bigger, someone whose love does not run out. That, alone, saved me. I don't know where would I be if I haven't found that saving grace.

That Father will weave a beautiful story out of my pain... He alone will.

I haven't seen you for more than 2 years... I'm not ready to face you yet or to have a conversation with you... But I pray with all my heart that you'll find happiness and fulfillment that you've been looking for all your life. I pray that you'll see what's truly important and pursue them, instead of things that will pass away. I pray that in the midst of it all, you'll find the same peace that I've found and we can meet in heaven.

Pa, I really pray you'll be happy. And I await that day of reconciliation, when we are all ready, in God's love.


Ting.