hello.

Just dawned upon me that kinda change that recept brought about in me.

I used to be sooooo not 'I', can't speak fluently, awkward when meeting new people, stammer a lot when I'm thinking of something, and often saying things that sound way better in my head.

Just picked up a call, and I realized I've become so much more fluent and firm, but at the same time friendly and polite. And I was amazed! One year of training and practicing hasn't gone down the drain.

I don't necessarily think it's a bad change. In fact, it's rather good. It was such a big step out of my comfort zone. I'm such a 'S' person, I love to blend, love to stay out of the way and be backstage. I would rather do the offstage work, and not be in the limelight.

But this job pushes me to be extra smiley everyday, extra friendly on the phone, multi-task every minute of work, be very nice to everyone who is here, be really helpful and follow through on a request, be patient when meeting new people (and often weird ones). And I'm quite shocked to realize that I've gradually become more 'I', something I never thought I would be! 

And to be honest I am not exactly 'rejecting' this change in me, I quite embrace it. I love building relationships with people important to me, and I love being able to communicate well to strangers and listen to their woes (okay sometimes not really) and problems. Being able to help, is a great thing.

Not forgetting the different colleagues that I talk to on an everyday basis, exchanging smiles, greetings and whatnot. These little conversations bring life to my soul. It is so nice to be able to exchange stories with people of the same spirit and heart, always so encouraging and nice. I love it that people genuinely care, out of a good heart.

But of course, this job has its cons as well. Sometimes... you just don't want to be friendly and nice. Haha.

Well, it's a growing process.. :) 

i think i have the most boring blog ever. i only write and write and write.

my bad, 2012 i haven't been penning down my thoughts much. and i was just thinking to myself today, what a waste it is. because i want to be able to look back and read about how i've grown through the years.

was just pondering on the idea of companionship. 

i think it's so true that God wired us up to be relational, and that each of us having that companion. in each of our soul, we have this bucket full of words, ideals, conversations, laughters reserved to be poured out to this companion. and it's a great thing to be able to share.

but then again, it brought me back to the feeling of 'guardedness'. to me, it takes a lot to let down my guards. i feel like i'm a simple enough girl, but i am very reserved when it comes to letting people into my life. i feel that relationships should always be two-way, bit by bit, and letting the walls fall down.

i think it's important to consider who to let into the vulnerability zone. 

and... have i mentioned before how fascinated i am by people with depth? 

深度.

i didn't really know what to make of it when i first heard of it. 

and then i stayed in bed for a full 18 hours.. thinking.

i realized i have gone past that point. it didn't hurt me like how it used to. it didn't cause me the pain i was expecting it to. but it did bring about lots of confusing thoughts. after it sunk in a while, i laid there, and thought to myself, yes, i am affected by it.

and all the painful memories just came flooding back. the empty promises, the disappointments, the emotions. and... i cried and cried. yes, it's painful. but i realized the pain came from a different place. it's not out of the 'bad' pain, but it's something that just hurts, in that soft tender spot in my heart, where you still occupy.

i feel strangely replaced. i feel a little forgotten. and then i wonder why do i still give you such a big portion of my heart. where were you when i was healing? where were you when we all had to go through such a difficult time? it hurts to think that you were 'enjoying'. it seems unfair, really.

and then i read my favourite book in the bible - psalms. it brought so much comfort to my soul. always feels like God is writing a love letter to me whenever i read psalms. where would i be without You? still struggling... i'm sure.

i told myself to let it affect me for only a day, a night. and i'll move on.