maybe its the time of the night again....

thinking.

we always dont get another person's insecurities, do we? we can never understand, until we've experienced it. thus for us to share about them, is a big step of trust. trust that the vulnerability wont be violated. trust that somehow, that party has got a solution to help you. trust that somehow, our insecurities will become securities.

but we always find our securities in the funniest places.

so far, i've struggled quite a bit in this area. i think its a girl thing as well. or is it even right for me to always blame things on my father? so far... i've not been in this area for very long now. because God spoke to me before and i've learnt to trust in Him. but being humans, we fall, we stumble..

cant help but wonder... will things always be this way?

some nostalgic stuff. so led me to dig out some old stuff. and realised... since young.. i've always been the very giving person. those kind that give all that they can, because they trust easily. and always giving people the benefit of doubt, seeing the better side in people. give my time, my efforts, my thoughts.

and i remembered my Chinese teacher in poly said before, these are the kind of people who will get hurt easily.

i flipped through the many letters, notebook, gifts i've gave to my sis, mum, friends. read all the notes... and i've always tried to give my best when i can. even when my parents' marriage was failing, i wrote in a note to my sister that i felt we should appreciate my dad more.

maybe my teacher was right, and that is why i was so affected.. or am still so affected by things and people.. thinking why is it that i always try my best, but get disappointment in return? or have i put my heart in the wrong place?

and then i try to link it all back to my dad. and try to 'blame' him for who i am now. how many times can a child do that before that excuse expires? or is it a valid enough reason that i am wired up in this way? because truth is, he really did leave a big hole and gap in my life. as much as i want to forget and move on, i still think of the incidents that happened, think of him, think of the what ifs. but is it fair to him that i feel this way?

i've no answer...

the heart indeed, is a lonely hunter.

i wish i had a normal daddy. the earthly one.

then maybe my insecurities wouldnt be so... real.

then maybe i wouldnt disappoint myself.

"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."

- Slyvia Plath