hello.

I've always disliked the glorification of being busy. As we age... It gets harder to find time for doing many things, simply because we have other commitments too.

It's not a bad thing... to streamline to cut away. To declutter...

I really need a good detox for my life. Too many negative thoughts recently, too tired all the time, too bogged down by many things, most of the days I am filled with dread.

The things that I want to do, I find myself too busy to. And I hate it when I've to reply people, "I've been too busy". We make time for the things that matter yes...

I just really need a timeout and a break. It seems like I keep telling myself, after this and that my life would be better. But it's not true... Maybe it's really a state of mind. And I really do need to cut away things that don't need me.

In our fast paced life, how do we truly take a break though?

I've not had this kind of Saturday in a long long while. I'm currently on one week's leave to study for my exams next week. Though I'm supposed to be studying... I've taken quite a bit of break to do everything else. :p

I've been cooking dinner for myself every night for past 3 days! It feels good to cook different stuff up, past few months I've been too tired to do anything. Glad this exam break enabled me to do so! I've cleared stuff from the fridge I've been meaning to clear since forever. Washed dishes, prepared breakfast for tomorrow, prepared fruits for snacks later.

Now... I'm applying clay mask and waiting for it to dry before showering.

I don't know why but all these little things make me so so happy. I really can't remember the last time I felt so at ease... and decluttered. You know those nagging thoughts that come to you everyday, asking you to do this do that, but you've never really gotten around to doing it? So glad I could today!

I think I haven't been very healthy or kind to myself since 2016 started. It blurred past me.

After my exams... I really want to take the time out to piece back my life again, find the drive again, declutter my life, prioritize what's important. Read more, love myself more.

“其实敬虔和知足才是真正的财富” - 1 Timothy 6:6

I've been thinking about simplicity a lot this season of my life again. 

There are many things to pursue, many things to want, many things to need, many things to conquer. But these days... I find joy in the simplest of things, day-to-day mundane routine.

And I thought to myself, what is contentment? I guess true contentment comes when we simplify our lives, stripping away the unnecessary, understanding that what's essential is not really seen. Other things are just bonuses or add-ons.

知足常乐。还在学习着。

Sharing one of my favourite photos from my Nice trip back in 2014. I simply love Nice so much! Such a charmer! I feel like I could just sit there the whole day, enjoying the breeze and sky and stare into the horizon. Seagulls flying everywhere... the waves amazingly soothing. The beach is filled with pebbles instead of sand! Being the OCD me... I actually secretly hate sand. I dislike the feeling of having tiny particles between my toes and fingers and not able to fully clean it off. I know I know... I am a weird creature. So Nice's beach fits me perfectly!

This is one of my favourite photos as well. I was touched just strolling by and noticing this old couple. Sitting there together enjoying the view. Simplicity... Bliss!

All these are non-filtered. You simply don't need filter in gorgeous Nice! No wonder it's filled with tourists during summer. Perfect to go in the colder months like December like I did! :)

Okay so why the nostalgia.

I was scrolling through my photos and missing these carefree moments. I feel like this year is so busy it's ridiculous. I feel like sometimes I've no space to breathe! But then again, sometimes it's also the pressure I put on myself. Working and studying part time is no joke... All these on top of other commitments. There were so many moments I felt overwhelmed.

I'm not that kind who WANTS a holiday to get away, to feel that I've rested. I don't like the idea of living from holiday to holiday to 'get away'. I believe we CAN rest too even if we are in Singapore. It's a state of mind more than anything. Of course, holidays are nice... But if we live from holiday to holiday, I think we won't truly enjoy the in-betweens. It's so easy to get stuck in a rut, and experiencing a 'high' to be okay. I don't really like such a perspective of life. There is also beauty in the mundane.

I digress. All in all, I think for now, I really need a space to breathe. I was feeling a little too burnt out, carrying negativity and cynicism too often in me. It's so not healthy. I simply can't wait for exams to end actually.

In the meantime, Tingting fighting!

Hello. I have been thinking for the longest time to revive this dead space. I thought that I should start afresh, to have a new blog, as the 'old' one is rather negative. Haha. But then again... I thought that it's a good timeline of how my life progressed. Hahaha. I used to only blog when I'm emo. So hilarious.

I'm still trying to figure out some HTML stuff though! Bear with me.

Hello to you if you are here... I have no idea who still bothers to read this space. Haha.

Am trying this out again... A space for me to just write on and on. I recently feel that I should start 'cutting' on social media, thus I've not been posting a lot lately. It's scary what we put in public. I feel I should keep a low profile. Been quite a good thing though!

Will be back! :)

It has been a month since you passed on, and my world remains that bit quieter, that space that only you would be able to 'intrude'.

I think you've changed my life in a very profound way.

And it's a pity how I truly found out more about you only after you passed.

I didn't know what a sweet boy you were...

That would probably be my regret in life.

Would that have changed how I feel/act towards you?

Would I have been able to take better care to help you?

I really wouldn't know.

Life is funny like this. We always learn things on hindsight.

If given the chance again with the knowledge I have now, would I be able to do things better? I really wouldn't know.

And just like this... We learn bit by bit, little by little. 

What it means to be a Human. What it means to Love. 

What I used to think as annoying and frustrating, 

is the very thing that I miss now.

See you very soon up there... My friend. It still pains me.

People often quote, we should make full use of everyday and live to be the happiest. 

But it's so real that not everyday is meant to be the happiest.

If we were only meant to be happy everyday, why would we need other emotions? 

I would say we should live the fullest everyday.

Embrace each day's events in every emotion presented.

Sad, angry, hurt, happy...

When we feel sad, allow ourselves to feel the full weight of sadness. 

When we are angry, to question ourselves why do we feel anger and come to terms with it. 

When we are hurt, accept the fact, feel it, and let it heal. 

When we are happy, remember that it doesn't happen everyday and remember that moment. 

人生无常，我们可以体验的，就应该彻底地体验。

我已经好久好久不让自己沉溺于慢歌里

不过最近发现，其实应该OK了

比较成熟了、比较懂事了

一切都有始有终，深切地明白了

最能依靠、永不变的只有祢

领悟了这一切，其实也是福. 

So many people have asked if I'm okay, and if I'm better.

I guess I am? But I still do feel it... sometimes. But thinking back on how much I've grown and how much happier I've become since it happened, I guess I came a long way.

I literally cringed last night when I thought of the many nights I spent in tears... And I do not wish to go back to those days. I am happy being where and who I am now... Contented. 

But yet I am also human... My heart still jump at every mention of his name, photo, online or offline. Am I completely over it?

Who knows? How can I know when am I exactly over it?

It isn't exactly very long ago, yet it is still quite some time ago.

Sometimes questions still swim in my mind... But I choose to believe in Him. I really do. I think this has made me see a lot of things clearer, about myself and about relationships.

Being honestly raw, I think I might have lost some faith in relationships. As of now... I am just a little bit afraid. So... I'm comfortable at where I am now. 

But of course... God I'm willing to be shaped through this process... into someone much better, stronger and wiser.

有时候会顿时忘了

但突然想起时，又会重新感受那忧伤

我现在可能真的不是真正快乐，

时间会冲淡一切吧？但愿时间对我友善点，让我尽快复原。

Some days are okay, some days are bearable,

some days I still crash, some days I still fail. 

Maybe the whole pain of it all is that it was so unexpected and unpredictable. And that makes it all the more harder to swallow. 

Probably the hardest thing is also, there is no shortcut through this. Just got to go through the whole emotional tidal wave, the whole tsunami of what-ifs, and pray that I will still be standing at the end of it all. I need time, yet time is also what makes it worse. 

Ironies of life. 

All these are real and new to me. The failings and imperfections of mankind. I never thought I would need to learn all these lessons anew. 

Yet... There is always a yet... Yet, Lord, make me wiser, more dependent on You. 

My prayer for this season. 

10 months ago, at this exact place.

I have many questions bogging my head. 

But at the end, it is a journey of acceptance and surrender.

It hurts because it mattered, because I gave my all, I tried my best.

Nights when I question Him, why?

I've accepted I wouldn't be getting my answer now.

Life is lived forwards but understood backwards.

And in the wise words of someone I respect a lot,

One day, your heart will heal, and God will make sense of it all.

I am waiting for that day... Surviving on pure Grace.