hello.

i dont know why is this getting to me now.. but. i'm affected. as i said before in my previous post.. i am a super emotional being.. and these things.. get to me..

i know.. i shouldnt be feeling more than anything cos it has been the situation for so many years.. but i just cant help it...

i.. just.. really.. want.. to be happy..

when a woman falls in love.. she gives everything. her vulnerability, her secrets, her imperfections, her weaknesses. but she also gives her best. her concern, her care, her love.

every woman wants the same things. to be loved. to be appreciated of the things she sacrificed and gave, often things that are unknown.

when a marriage or a relationship falls apart.. it is the emotional scars she has to deal with. it is scary.. knowing that these unknowing things creep into our hearts and minds and leave such a deep impression. it is certainly not easy. to pull out all these hurts from the very root. and still be haunted and reminded of every good time they've spent together.

i guess no one will truly understand the pain.. until they've been through it. how the heart hardens.. and how it shuts down..

people say its not easy. but do they really know how not easy is not easy?

20 years of life, i've learnt to do lots of things. i've learnt to photoshop etc, operate the different softwares amateurishly...

but i still havent learnt how to control myself. my own emotions, my own thoughts. this is one area that i have so much trouble in controlling. i wish someone can just take hold of these areas of my life and just help me to control them. these things... they will be the fall of me someday.

i give in too much to my emotions. i let them stray me too far away from where i'm supposed to be.. i let them control my life too much.. and i know its not healthy. but i cant help it. these inner monsters. they devour all the life in me and the optimism.

i wish life is as easy as a formula. as easy as a solution. as easy as a clear-cut answer to a hard question. this is something that i struggle so much with in my life...

i wish i was stronger in alot of areas. i wish i was someone else. wish that i wasnt this timid. wish my emotions wouldnt control me.

but i'm not.

and this will be one hard battle i have to keep fighting. until i fight these inner monsters away...

太感性真的不是件好事。