a losing battle.


as i was floating through life these few weeks (floating is more apt for my situation), there was quite a turmoil going on on the inside of me. i was kind of in a half-reality, half-fantasy world. where i was able to talk myself in being pessimistic and optimistic at the same time. it was a very strange feeling. i guess it was struggling between two sides, two very extreme sides.

one side of me, felt that hope and everything lovey dovey, was perverse. there wasnt such a thing in the world. i allowed myself to become so cynical about everything good. ever felt like this before? and its so hard to talk yourself out of it, because the negativity just washes over the positivity. it came to a point when i was disgusted even, by anything good, that happened maybe to me or people around me. i became critical even, voicing out my thoughts in my heart.

another side of me, believed theres a reason that i'm going through everything that i am going through. where that small spark of faith still stood. where somehow, i gathered the strength to continue doing what i was supposed to do, and somehow, still able to find some sort of meaning to it (i hate doing things without knowing the reason behind them).


i was like a fish caught in a net, struggling hard to find a way out, but yet, knowing deep down it is impossible to do so. just fighting a losing battle. but yet, i still fought.


yet now, i think i'm losing the battle. but i am half relieved i am losing this battle. on the other hand, still fighting hard against reality without really knowing why. wanting to surrender...

Wuhan/BJ/LS

Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket
Photobucket

much delayed post.

Lushan 庐山:

i havent been to a true hill before, so i was very much amazed. it was an amazing experience. the sight was amazing, breathtaking. makes you wonder, how impressively creative our God is. such huge hills, deep valleys etc.

but on the downside, i havent been more tired, climbing stairs after stairs after stairs. it was crazy. honestly. i cant even describe the tiredness of it all. but it was made better and more fun by my awesome classmates.

and btw, how awesome is that quote on the rock? it was rooted in the middle of a random pathway, and i thought it is very beautifully written!

Beijing:

we had a hell of a trip! it was so so packed we didnt have time to shop. my agenda was of course, H&M. but there wasnt much time for us. so we had to break rules (thankfully we werent caught), and went out way after curfew. it was such a memorable experience i think i will never forget.

but anyhow, i hate tour groups. so you can imagine my unwillingness in alot of places. (and all of them we've been to when we went on our sec 2 trip to BJ) but still, it was a nice experience. going places after places, seeing all the historical events that happened in that place, makes you really wonder. left me pretty much amazed at that kind of history that china have.

Wuhan:

i've blogged about my opinion on that city before so i wont continue. but i miss that place in a weird sense of way. how peaceful and uninterrupted life was then. waking up for classes, going for lunches together with classmates, living on our own, making decisions, exploring places we havent been to...

i had alot of 'me' time in a sense. no one to order me about, no one to tell me what to do, but everything was what i wanted to do. i had my own phases of awful time there, when i was an emotional wreck and just wanted to fly back home. but if you would ask me again, i wouldnt mind going through it again, its such a golden experience, to be able to leave the comfort zone of Singapore and be able to experience something wholly different.

of course, my first time with snow! had such a fab time playing with snow there. it was cold, but it was fun! and oh, i miss wearing boots seriously. though very ma fan.

and of course, the cheap food and clothes there. not even going into this... :(
and all the bonding time we had together with all my classmates. cooking, watching movies, gossiping (oops).

i wouldnt choose another bunch of people to go with, they are such AWESOME people! each of them are so individually special in their own ways and it warms my heart so much. i love each of them! :)

if you ask me, did i learn to be more independent, i would say no.
because right now, i am just the same as before i left.

but i did learn how to be alone, and how to be away. how to keep emotions in check, how to keep going when it seems impossible to. trust me, there were so many nights i wanted to just literally die or something, it was that tough for me.


but yeah. all's over.
i dont know if i would challenge myself to abandon everything in this manner and leave for a long period of time again, but i think i may.

it is when thrown into deep sea and not knowing how to swim, is when you will really wake up and fend and struggle for yourself.

what a disturbing analogy, but i find it true. :)

Friends.

“The most beautiful discovery true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” – Elizabeth Foley

-stolen from jx's blog.


what an impactful quote.

been pondering this topic as of late, the topic of friends.
what is its definition, who they are, what are they supposed to do etc. but most importantly, my take on them. while reflecting that day, and thinking about all the different friends i've got, i cant help but realise, how each of us has grown into our skin, separately, but somehow bounded together by this 'friends' word.

if you ask me, friends is a very diverse word. it can mean so many things on so many different levels. anyone and anything can be 'friends' with you. but on a closer proximity, how do i really feel?


what if there are things that you dont agree with?
and what if there are things you wish havent changed?
and what if things just stayed the same as it was, how would things be different now?


was reconsidering alot of things. which left me pretty much confused as to what i want. sometimes the more 'grown up' you are, your mind tends to be more messed up.


but i ended with one conclusion in mind, that time will tell.
and time will tell too, if that quote stands.

the coulda, woulda, shoulda.

i wanted to say this. i think that being emotional sometimes is a good thing after all. i mean, great writers, composers are all much more emotional than normal people right? cos without feelings, how are you able to express? but i guess, it must be directed in the right direction.


sometimes i find that going through phases of life is like, so interesting.
i'm at a point when i'm at the crossroads, choosing my next path and trying to guess what my future holds. being such an indecisive person, you have no idea how much i'm going through on the inside of me.

so should it be A? or A + B? or just C? but what if A is the best? what if i cant do it?

but i still have to say, it is a necessary part of life where we truly know ourselves and grow to be ourselves, and being set apart.


random, but i've always envied those people who have really obvious talents and gifts. they seem to be able to shine, and discover their talents early in life. i admire that. something which i am still trying to grope and find out at this point of my life.


well i actually intended to blog alot more but i cant remember what i wanted to say. wish there was a mind diary of some sort.

whole again.


been watching Skins. its a crude show, very very crude show. but it somehow still draws me in. i like how real the characters are, how imperfect they are, how honest they are about life. how they fail again and again, but along the way, find bits and pieces of themselves. but they'll lose them again, but somehow, still manage to piece things together and work out for good.

they are a whole bunch of screwed up kids. and somehow, just kinda refreshing to know that there are still imperfections in this world. ironic i know. and a bit psycho. but somehow i just really like that show.




some stuff that happened. made me think alot.


as i was walking that same way to that same destination, it surprised me how well i could memorise the way there. and how i hated walking that exact path. i wish i never ever have to walk that same path ever again. and i was tearing. and i recalled back that previous time i walked that path, i was tearing too. but both for different people in my life.


the previous was much dear to me. i was so so worried i just couldnt help myself and i just kept tearing once i heard the news. i needed to see her for myself to get the assurance.

this isnt as close to me. but my heart totally went out to him, and my heart ached so much. when i reached, i didnt dare to look at him, i didnt dare to look at the arm. i was afraid.

but eventually i did. and i saw fine lines etched across his face, and him struggling, to try to get his message across, occasionally showing signs of pain and frustration. my heart ached so much. so many occasions i wanted to tear.

here's a man. who had no choice in life. whatever that happened to him so far, he didnt have any say in it. he worked hard all his life, just trying to get by. lived a honest life, with a simple house, simple family. but life has been cruel to him.

when i was studying chinese literature, i felt the most for those characters who had no say in their destinies. my heart went out to them. though they are fictional, but they speak volumes about a life that has no freedom, no choice, no love. and i often thought about them alot in classes while my teachers were analyzing them.

this situation reminded me of those characters. perhaps not as tragic, but they are all trapped in a prison cell of life. they have no vision or dream. their only vision and dream is to live happily, die peacefully, and just get by.

reminded of all the unfairness in this world. where some people can have it all, others just have miserable lives.

but as i was thinking about all these yesterday, i saw a scene which warmed my heart greatly.

i saw love,
and i saw family.
in such situations, these things shine all the more brighter. and it warms every heart and give so much hope. people that you can rely on, to fall back on. given such extreme circumstances, they are the ones who wouldnt give up on you. who would truly be there, wherever you are.

just to hold your hand, to give you a hug, to give you a smile,
just to let you know everything's gonna be alright.

it was then that i really thought to myself, nothing's more important than this. and love's really what we all live for. whether unknowingly or not.


but still, i pray that God will truly bless his family and bring them through, and really show them the greatest love of all. because thats the only thing that will make all the incompleteness complete, and a reason for everything that they've been through.

So... a Happy New Year?


so hi, i'm back to the blogging world. much apologies for taking a break. reason being 1) too lazy 2) too occupied with the iphone 3) uninspired.


so people have asked me so what exactly did i learn from my China trip?
how was 2010 for me?
how am i going to spend 2011?

after like 20 days, all the new year vibes must be gone already. i'm just really happy to be back. still basking in all the homeliness feel. i love home, love my family. i like the fact that i can get back my life and i have the time to really spend it with myself and having time off to do the things i love again.


life nowadays is very simple, just books, the iPhone, and my shows. and meetups, dinners etc. its all good. i kinda dont want to disrupt the peace that i have now, but i guess i cant have it for long. but for once, please let me be able to enjoy. cos after all, i've been away from home for 130+ days and it was an extreme experience for me.


just started on two books im super excited to read and im just happy to lay my hands on them finally after months. looking forward to find some inspirations :)


i typed this out while i was still in china but didnt have a chance to blog on 01/01/11:

Dress like yourself.



I guess i've became too skeptical and critical over the years. i dont know if its a bad thing or a good thing. but i still stand on my views.



i get the creeps when i see someone else trying to dress like another. be it famous fashion bloggers, or anyone else. i get the creeps when i see a blog and its filled with pieces that are ought to be 'famous'.


the same Sam Edelman shoes, the same Acne shoes, the same Proenza Schouler bag, the same Jeffrey Campbell Litas, the same Balenciagia bag, that same type of cross necklace, that same style of rings like Pamela Love, f21, that same Miu Miu shoes, that same Topshop oversized knit, that same Topshop boots, you get my drift.


i mean, great, you have all these pieces. and truth to be told, they are expensive and worth lusting after for. but.. i think what's really lacking is character. you are just trying to be another person.


so what if you dress well? trying to fit into a mold that is seemingly 'acceptable' and because they are 'famous' wont make you go far.


that being said, i dont think its wrong to own any of those said 'famous' pieces. but i think its wrong when you are trying to mimic someone. sure, we all start somewhere and feed on inspiration and these things do go in circles, but i just think its not cool when you are just trying to be the next Rumi or whatever.



maybe this coming from me might be a little unbelievable, but sometimes, i think i do get so tired of the so-called 'fashion'. yes, everyone does want to look good, but sometimes, i think getting back to the basics, to the core, to just being you, would be a very good change.


we can be so muddled up with everything that perhaps we lost ourselves somewhere along the road.


fashion is just skin-deep. character is deeper than that. and i guess that is one core reason why i quitted ADM in the first place.


哲学


just ranting a bit here while i'm doing some work.


just like what i said on twitter, i think philosophy's such a deep and interesting topic to ponder and research on. i think God is such a creative God. His creative juices just keep flowing in all sorts of areas and its a wonder how did He create such a wide variety of things.

just take a look at philosophy. it is of the mind. but it affects generations and cultures. and its so interesting to see how diverse people can conceive of a certain situation. i believe every philosophy developed from a certain background, certain circumstance, that led them to believe and think and psycho themselves into thinking that way.

and how, in turn, it affects so many other people. but these people chose to, because they share the same beliefs.


while doing research and all, i cant help but think how very wise the Bible is. and i think there is no greater teacher than God himself, no greater teaching than the Bible itself. though its a book, but it has such rich content and words that can change lives. and it is kinda like a philosophy on its own. just that its more real, and its experiential.

and yup, it is what my essay will be based on. :)

修养

you know you have those songs, that once you listen to them, they zap you into a certain state/emotion? yeah one of those nights. really nice to be in this state, in my own bubble. of music awesomeness.


recent events had me thinking. between character/personality, which would you choose? between oneself/the group, which would you choose?

i am a total advocate in being real. but if being real is at the expense of yourself and of people, then what value is there? i think in everything, we need to choose character. without a core belief and value system, it is hard to navigate through this life that we have. character is everything. and it shows heaps about a person.

when one's character is right, i think people can feel it.



but after everything, i still do believe in second chances. everyone needs second chances. no one can be successful in life with just the first shot. everyone needs the second/third/fourth chances to right every wrong.

but one has to prove to be repentant. and to realise the error of their ways. or else its hard to trust again.



i dont like things being so fast and all. so much so that im too carried away. i like to quieten down to think through things and reflect. these little periods of time is like a bath for me. cleaning myself of everything and go back to me.

i love visualizing and analyzing things. it is just me. if Situation A happened, i will think of reasons why it happened. like Number 1, Number 2, Number 3. then i'll think of possible solutions, Number 1, Number 2, Number 3. haha. i think my mind works in a very weird way.
------------------------

my first december away from home.

december's always a month for me to be thankful and grateful for the life that i have. and i will still try to keep that little tradition of mine while i'm still here.


just a little lost these days.
but i guess we all need to go through these kinda things, to find yourself right? even though it can be a long journey.


everything's changing.

every single thing.



for once, let me have the courage.


and let me believe again.



i really need that.

just not right.

i dont know why is this getting to me now.. but. i'm affected. as i said before in my previous post.. i am a super emotional being.. and these things.. get to me..

i know.. i shouldnt be feeling more than anything cos it has been the situation for so many years.. but i just cant help it...

i.. just.. really.. want.. to be happy..

when a woman falls in love.. she gives everything. her vulnerability, her secrets, her imperfections, her weaknesses. but she also gives her best. her concern, her care, her love.

every woman wants the same things. to be loved. to be appreciated of the things she sacrificed and gave, often things that are unknown.

when a marriage or a relationship falls apart.. it is the emotional scars she has to deal with. it is scary.. knowing that these unknowing things creep into our hearts and minds and leave such a deep impression. it is certainly not easy. to pull out all these hurts from the very root. and still be haunted and reminded of every good time they've spent together.

i guess no one will truly understand the pain.. until they've been through it. how the heart hardens.. and how it shuts down..

people say its not easy. but do they really know how not easy is not easy?

too much.

20 years of life, i've learnt to do lots of things. i've learnt to photoshop etc, operate the different softwares amateurishly...

but i still havent learnt how to control myself. my own emotions, my own thoughts. this is one area that i have so much trouble in controlling. i wish someone can just take hold of these areas of my life and just help me to control them. these things... they will be the fall of me someday.

i give in too much to my emotions. i let them stray me too far away from where i'm supposed to be.. i let them control my life too much.. and i know its not healthy. but i cant help it. these inner monsters. they devour all the life in me and the optimism.

i wish life is as easy as a formula. as easy as a solution. as easy as a clear-cut answer to a hard question. this is something that i struggle so much with in my life...

i wish i was stronger in alot of areas. i wish i was someone else. wish that i wasnt this timid. wish my emotions wouldnt control me.

but i'm not.

and this will be one hard battle i have to keep fighting. until i fight these inner monsters away...

太感性真的不是件好事。

emotionless.

had the most memorable beijing trip ever. all in the name of h&m. more updates next time.



feels like i've got tons to share.



but now, am really tired...
in every way and area...


night..