hello.

i was watching the tv just now cos my mama watching some politics stuff then heard that USA gonna attack iran now after the iraq saga cos of dont know what reason.it was channel 52.then during the advertisement my mum switch to channel 51 then it was very passionately playing some hope and peace music.then i was thinking the contrast is pretty weird.

people with the most influential positions and the power to change systems and decisions but trying to complicate this world up and on the other side,the human nature of all beings is trying to use the soul and getting the message across that hope peace love is more important.its just like flesh vs soul.just like what pastor said,if only those with the power to validate can really use the leadership positions to try to change human nature,the world will be so much different.

but really,this battle of greed and lust of the flesh will always be in full force against the delicate human touch of every soul..and its so saddening..

今天早上 在地铁上
有个有趣的画面...

站在两个人的面前
一个正在秃头 一个有很另类的品味的女生... 不知道为什么...心里有一种莫名的感觉

那男生其实也没怎么凸出
只是秃头而已
但比较少见的后面秃头法
他的脸上流露出被岁月狠狠留下的痕迹...
可能已经认命了吧
所有的灿烂都是曾经...

那位女生
一走进地铁 大家就一直看她
应该说她真的很另类
服装上还蛮特别的
想必经历过很多批评吧...
才可以真正找到自己...不管别人的眼色。

突然觉得
世上没什么好悠的吧
每个人都有自己的烦恼
只是看怎么去面对吧...

所以现在在我生命发生的
只不过是一个阶段
我会尽量用最好的态度去面对

你们也不用太担心

虽然那两个人可能对你们来说没什么...
但对我来说 他们仿佛告诉我
其实人生没烦恼才可悲

飞过人间的无常
才懂爱才是宝藏

its just like the past few days of forced tears come running down as if its gonna be the last time i'm crying..sometimes..you just dont seem to understand life.i was willing to change my mindset to start over again but its always event after event happening that pulls me down to harsh reality.sometimes changing is difficult.sometimes forgiveness is hard to give.i dont want to hear people telling me its ok i should try to forgive i should try to let go.because its just not the time yet..theres still more hurt to follow before the whole saga finishes.

this is my home which i am supposed to get all the love and care.but i find myself shutting myself up and the whole process is too personal.i sometimes feel so trapped in my house.no freedom at all..being talked to because its part of the supposedly 'family life'.i hate that.stop talking to me stop asking me questions if you dont care in the beginning.thats why i'm not speaking to anyone at home nowadays.my sister is the only bridge and person i can talk to.

if this is what God planned,hurt me more.let me be hurt to the max so next time,nothing else can inflict the same hurt.

i hate what i'm supposed to love.

爱是宝藏..

"Every single person has at least one secret that would break your heart. If we could just remember this, I think there would be a lot more compassion and tolerance in the world."

i thought this was cool.by a website marcus gave me.

postsecret.blogspot.com --its wayyy cool.but i thought the pubic hair thing was disgusting..hahaaa.

i think i'm like suffering from some unknown kinda emotional stress.what and who am i playing at?i dont understand..the past promises i promised myself i find myself breaking them again.how the reality is so cruel that i find myself tightly shutting that hole up.how i just cant do it.how i just wanna stop everything..and lie on my bed..and stare into space.how i just cant live up the expectations of others cos of this bugging stupid side of me.

can i say..i'm a very weird person.i know whats right i know whats the right thing to do in situations.but that struggle within yourself while trying to get yourself right is so cruel you know.like in situations i know i cant be thinking like that so i force myself to think right.like right now,though its like a big struggle,i know its wrong of me to think like that i gotta force myself to think right.its hard..so hard without any convincing side of it.i can let myself flow with life again like last time but i know it wont do me any good.thats just like running away.

but what exactly am i running away from?
i dont know.

you are the only reason i'm holding on to all these and not breaking up yet.

sometimes i really wonder what my troubles and thoughts really matter in this world.its too too big.way too big that sometimes,who and what does it matter?not in a pessimistic way but the world is so big that why are we still so troubled and caught up with our lives only..?what can all these matter to a broken down world?

am listening to the radio now..suddenly craving so much of the past.not exactly the things of the past but the pure and simple days..going home early after school switching on the radio and singing like nobody's business.i remember during my pri 4 year..my grandmum will be at home.she'll cook some very simple pancakes for me.and i remember at around 5pm we will go down to swim together.shes 70plus but she still swims.and she plays the piano too..

suddenly six years down the road,my grandmum gotta move around in a wheelchair already.my the other grandpa is suffering from some illness and i seriously miss his presence even though i may not be close with him but that exact feel when hes around..cooking dinner every sunday for us,smiling at our innocence..where can you find that kinda peace now?

sometimes its not me not wanting to grow up but sometimes its just these little things that make me so..craving for the past.those things that cant be anymore.they will soon pass away..i wonder how will i feel?i'm not close to them..but i know they once loved me.even i miss the smile that they will always have when they were calling me when i was young..

and suddenly i remember the kinda peace i experienced in paris.though i was only there for a day,i was practically rushing through the city,but that city doesnt rush with you.its slow..and simple.by the river..people playing with the ducks,with all the birds..people drawing by the riverside..and that rich culture.that every morning you can just lazily wake up and visit any musuem and attend a history lesson.its just unbelievable that life can really be that simple.its as if having loved ones around is enough..

sometimes life is so complicating you yearn for simplicity.sometimes life is so simple you want complications.

right now in life i just yearn for my grandpa and grandma able to smile at me again..not literally but that kind of affection they reserve just for you..if only life was that simple.but then again..its the complications of life that make lives interesting.

how ironic can life be.

well i got the not very pretty 15 but everyone in the world seems to be getting it.hahaha.

though i was a bit bit disappointed by not meking it nearer to the ten side,but well,i am very very satisfied.cos what i prayed about all came to pass.like for you guys who know me that day when we got our chinese results i really did have a shock of my life getting b3 whereas everyone is getting an a1.i was so hurt actually but i did remain strong and thought it was God's will so let it be.

well of course there will be people opposing you all the time when you are in God's will so when i insisted and persisted in my HCL,lots of criticism and hurtful remarks were thrown my way.i can never forget how sun li made me cry that afternoon by saying so so hurtful stuff about my chinese.but actually,the harder she tried to make me fall that time,the stronger i wanted to comeback.i'll always remember she said the best i can do for my Os was c5.i was so determined that i started showing results and
i got an a1 for my higher chinese.i cant tell you how happy i am i cant tell you how touched i am.it is really that true that once you really trust God,everything flows.i only expected like a b3 but God did so much more than that.i actually proved sun li's theory wrong and on that day,i can see she was really quite touched and relieved that i really prove her wrong..it was such an emo ride to the a1.

AND my maths.honestly from primary school till now my stronghold has always been maths.i love maths more than anything like seriously.so when my maths really didnt do well in upper sec i was like puzzled.hahaha.ya.i was like getting zeros or ones with ying and huiying and we can just laugh it off that kind.

and ms lim actually asked a very qian bian question in front of the whole class that am i a christian then i said ya.then she replied,you dont behave like one.at that moment it was like a big BANG to wake me up you know.what a bad example i'm setting to people around me!it was so so bad.so during the last few weeks and months i really pia i can tell you i really did.it was like an obsession to do maths really.i think i did like half of the tenyearseries which really is an achievement considering i really did know how to do every single one of it.(thanks to xiaoting's torturous methods of redoing and redoing till i'm correct)and i achieved my a1s for both amaths and emaths.to think i was like a goner in amaths like really then i got a1.its really so very amazing.

and i was really the last in class or second last in physics in practically every test and exam and i'm not kidding.but i managed to get a b3 for it and i'm happy already.

15 is really not a glorious result but i wont get all moody or sad cos i know theres a purpose for it since i already did my very best.but well,its really nice to know that you can totally trust someone and not worry about not doing well and stuff.cos no matter what result i get back is not gonna change what i wanna do with my life anyway.

theres always a way out.

and xiaoting if you are reading this..i really think i've learnt a lot of things from you and i think its really cool la.cos i just remember what you taught me like you said very long ago that when you were in sec sch,you used to see meiyan doing stuff and you dont understand but you'll do it anyway but you prayed to have her mindset.and you know..after hearing that it impacted me alot alot.i realised its so important to have the same mindset.so i prayed too that i'll see what you see and have your mindset so i'll understand and carry it out willingly.and now i can say theres something changing inside of me like never before and i am truly starting to understand alot of things which i didnt in the past.and its so cool lor.like..all these little things actually really can learn alot from it.i can list forever what little things i did pick up from you man.it goes on and on.hahaha.so thank you very much for always dropping things for me to learn!

i dont understand envy i dont understand why cant we be happy for each other.as simple as that with no complications.is it really that hard to be happy for your friends?

i actually really kinda realise it sucks having your life in such a routine..wake up prepare for work,on the way buy some bread,and then being treated like a maid by some taitais,then leave work at 9.30,go home maybe theres dinner,then cant even watch my fave show at 9pm.then too tired already must sleep.its so meaningless its so not purposeful and i really hate it.cos theres so many things i wanna do that i cant!but still..for the sake of money,i'll survive.haha.what will the world be like without money?haha.

and dont know why is it that nowadays people around being all emo and stuff?and i really really wanna be like the old tingting when i can talk on the phone till late at night and cheer people up or write some letters and stuff..but the flesh is weak.i'm so tired nowadays you just cant really care.and it sucks seriously.like jiaxin..i want so much to get down to write a letter to you just to catch up and stuff but i have no time!i want to help you so much and that kinda feel that i want to but cant is so helpless..

so today was my off day and then suddenly its like theres nothing to do cos my routine was broken so i spent the day catching up with my sleep and watching all the tv shows in the world like twice,seriously.haha.then laughing my ass off and just enjoying nothing.haaa.

and now its like 3am waiting for time to pass to 3.30am as its the very impt event which involves not only the results but pride and bragging rights with west ham vs liverpool!muahahaha.

i wanna catch up with all of you so damn much!ying cally hui yu jiaxin elaine! :( lets really have an outing next friday okay.life is really bad without friends around.i gotta learn to be really independent like having lunches alone. (sad!) and it can be awkward sometimes cos the food havent arrive so you have two options a)to act auntie and be like yingying to ask abt the food or b)wait.hahaha.so obviously im not ying kind so i'll wait.and that alone feeling really sucks.but i'm getting used to it nowadays.cos i'll da bao back to eat.haha.

i actually dont really like the commission part of the job cos it involves some very ugly human side but though those people dont show it you can feel it one.but its just one or two out of the so many but still..yeah.

thank God for the ipod and newpaper while going to work.hahaha.

cally like i've said i really think its your choice cos i know you are strong you are a very strong-willed individual and stubborn in a way too so i really hope you'll use this side of you to get through yeah.

its actually really kinda scary to live life routinely.it makes you tired it makes you meaningless.before i get used to this kinda life i really hope a challenge can come soon.i do hope my future job is full of challenges and not as boring as this!now really kinda realise its soooo much better to live with obstacles and tribulations.though tough but hey,you are experiencing some real stuff.and well,i really miss studying as well.haha.at least you know what you can do and achieve.

well its long since i've been online!hahahha.but i'm going off now!heee.byeeee. :(

hmmm will there be a point of your lives when you realise its damn difficult to communicate with this certain person?my sis was telling me and we both realised so.just that this time its supposed to be our closest kin but in actual fact the furthest one.

work is tiring.but which one is not anyway?muscle aches..arms.its taxing to keep pushing hundreds of shoesboxes' weight on the shelves around.and really,this is just another version of real life diner dash.if you guys dont know whats that,you can actually download it in yahoo.its pretty fun.and ya,my job is like that too.serving the customers then rushing to get their sizes then deliver to them and attend to them and help them payup.hahaaha.and it really tests your patience and coordination all the time.some customers really treat me like their maids and order me around one you know..

and you know those shelves run up to like thrice of my height and i gotta climb up yes clim up without the help of ladders but stepping on to the other shelf and hoist myself up.its that tiring!but its fun though..the colleagues.hearing them complain about their boyfriends and stuff.and they are really so nice so helpful so friendly!and they are not strict at all too!heee.

but i'm the only one wearing all black cos they changing uniform soon so no point in me getting the uniform.and i'm different from them la so its as if im the manager!hahaha.though i dont look like one.

omg i'm damn shagged.muscle aches!i really think i can compete for canoeing after this job.hahahaha.not funny.goodnight!i need my sleep badly!

hahaha.waking up early is like so not fun la..haaa.but something fun is having very unique people give you morning calls cos you'll really wake up.cos i realised if its somebody like cally or hui gimme morning call i will slack but nowadays i asked yanhong liting wilson koh that kinda weird weird people call hor,really got difference one lei.hahaha.imagine waking up and hearing wilson's funny voice.lol.

awwww i absolutely love working in the kindergarden man..they are just so cute you feel like hugging them its just that kinda feel which makes you go awwwww..mixed blood the child really very very cute la omg.my william!hahaha.and ying,your isaac really kinda cute la.the other time went playground he dont dare climb up so i kept encouraging him then he finally made it to the tunnel but he still dont dare crawl so i just kept saying keep going keep going,then!!he very cutely turn his head to face me and gave me a damn sweeeet smile!heeee!i was so shocked but pleasantly surprised!hahaha!

and kids are so spoilt sometimes..but they way they just sort of like,'idolize' you is sooo coool la.i was just playing that in the kitchen kinda game with them then all of them will be very anxious to serve their food to me and i gotta keep acting but its so cute!hahaha.

and you know little kids those toilets small cubicles kind?and i just find it simply so cute that some still lock the cubicle door when actually i can just see them see over the door.hahaha!so it was kinda useless but sooo cute!so i was laughing at how maybe they thought they can prevent me from seeing them pee.haha.

and omg ying your that isaac do everything also slow one beat one lor.while peeing i gotta ask him to pee for like 5 times then he'll start peeing.hahaha.then he kept saying ali baba papa to me!so cute!

awww..ou xuan's sister's daughter really kinda pretty la huh but can foresee the kinda path she'll take.hahaha.

why are children such cuties?omg..i wanna have lots of kids!haha!

well jiaxin i finally understood your tag.hahaha.i deleted that post already la.haha.anyway,that book that talked about this was sheng xia guang nian,the movie that ashin wrote a song on.cooool right.hahaha.its actually like you'll realise that theres always people ard you who are like planets,who are always centre of attention and in a gang of people,they actually stand out more but more often than not,they are the ones who need to really learn the lesson of cherishing and maintaining a friendship more.and the moons are just like how you'll realise too that there are and always will have people who are always around to support you no matter how forgotten they are.

and then i realised that the shooting stars actually do have another type of impact.they dont just shoot past,they sometimes crash right into those planets and moons and change their pathways or even let them stray,but often they are just pretty and beautiful shooting stars that pass you by.

so actually when your path and my path cross like this X,what type of impact will we have on each other?

anyway yang nai wen is cooool man.she has got some character and her voice is like wow and her style is something that i absolutely love.heee.