of moving on.


I've never thought I would feel this way, probably because I've always been the one 'in front'. Recently I've been thinking, what a scary thing it is, to feel that everyone has moved on, except you. 


I don't exactly mean it in a bad way, like I refuse to let go of something etc, nothing of that sort. But in a sense that everyone is progressing on, going to the next phase of life. And yet somehow... I feel like I'm still at the same place. 


I'm not talking about in terms of growth etc, I'm talking more about life stages? I've learnt that patience is indeed a virtue. It takes a lot to wait. It tests everything about you. And it's just a scary feeling that while you are 'waiting', others are already moving forward without you, when they were supposed to be on the same page as you.

It's just a scary thought and feeling I've been thinking lately... 


PS. it is actually quite a touching thing to know that people are still reading this space. other than a few really 'loyal readers' that I have, I have like random people who come up to me and say that they are still reading this blog. I think it's quite amazing cos I haven't been writing a lot...


that aside, I really love words. I love how it expresses, I love how it plays around.. I just simply love words.. more than speaking them. English/Chinese, they are really such incredible languages... :) 

dreams.


First of all, I would like to say that I'm not a very 'dreamy' person. Not saying that I don't have dreams and desire, just that I'm not those who will say, "My dream is to ....". I'm not... 


Thus recently, I've been thinking, sometimes life really isn't about this great one dream that we all want to achieve. You know how growing up, we've heard people saying go for our dreams, and stop at nothing till we achieve our dreams. We've seen people wanting to be singers, trying all means and ways to get there etc. 

But what if some of us, we don't have such a big one dream? Sometimes... I think that life is really about small dreams along the way. One small dream leads to another and another, and so when we look back, we see a 'big' dream formed. I think this is very true for me. 

I always feel very awkward when people ask me things like, what's your greatest dream and desire? I don't really have one... Am I abnormal? I'm not exactly a "10-years from now I'm going to be this" kinda person. Is it wrong? Or is it just my nature? I'm much more comfortable knowing that I have smaller dreams, and they are just as important and great as the seemingly 'bigger' dreams. And I've come to realize that it's okay, as long as I know that God is guiding me. 


Maybe it's just me...

wallflowers.


I finally caught a movie last night, after the longest time. 

I remember reading this book 2 years ago, after recommendation from JX. First read, it didn't leave anything much behind, but I finished the book understanding exactly how Charlie feels.

After watching the movie, I felt the same way. All these strong emotions and feelings, the movie touched a deep deep part of my heart. This quote touched me, as Patrick commented, "You see things, you understand. You're a wallflower." And Charlie replied, "Wow, I thought no one notices me."

More than relating with the nerdy part (gosh all the literature and books in the movie just excite me. Like them reading Mockingbird, and the teacher passes him The Great Gatsby etc), I understand how he became a wallflower, how he is always the observing one, how he is always the quiet one too.

Although it is pretty much a teenager kinda movie, with growing up phases, first kiss etc, but I think beyond all these, how he struggled with his losses and tragedies and how he emerged and overcame, I can deeply identify with it. 

And I know perhaps there's only one friend who can relate to me in this manner, like, trying to get what I'm saying. Haha. You know who you are. 

And then I messaged JX, I would only get attached to a guy who understands and relates to wallflower as deep as I can. Maybe I would set it as an entry exam of some sort. But after careful consideration, it means that such a guy is emotional, perhaps a little too sensitive. So... I take that back. Haha.

alone.

Have some free time so shall jot down some thoughts...

This idea has been on my mind a lot lately - being alone.


I mean it in a state of total alone-ness, where there's only you and no one else. And I think it's very true that it's only when people are at their wits' end will they find God. Not that I'm exactly at my wits' end or breaking apart and desperately need God around, but just at a point where I need to be 'alone'.

I've been 'alone' for a bit now, and I just have this thought that ALL of us, need to come to a place where we can be so comfortably alone, only then can we have the strength and 'security' to reach out to others.

I've found so much peace and joy in this period of time. I've never thought that I needed it, but I realized there is so much to be learnt and enjoyed while being alone. Once we've really come to terms with this, only then will we have the love for others, in a 'whole' state.

In this period of time, I've learnt to put my trust in God, to release my many insecurities to Him, saw my weaknesses that I've not seen before, and was able to be 'whole' again, to depend on Him like He's my partner. Like what I've tweeted, I feel that this year has been a really growing and learning experience for my 'inside'. My emotions, feelings and thoughts. Really enjoying being comfortable with just God alone. Such a closeness that I've never experienced before. 

I've struggled a lot with insecurity and inferiority complex in the past. It's suffocating sometimes, it's like sinking sand, and you will only sink deeper if you struggle more. I needed to stop struggling, I needed to stop looking for other temporary things to hold on to, I needed Him to reach in and hold me up on the solid Rock. 

In those solitude moments, without any other distraction, only then can God speak to me, and show me things. There is power in being alone. There is power in solitude. And we all need that... Not just an hour everyday, but to really learn to be alone for a period of time. To be totally vulnerable in front of God.


He's awesome... isn't He? 
Let my revelations grow deeper and deeper I pray...

is a title really that important?


before this thought slips away...


Been pondering quite a bit on paths and past nowadays. 


I hate that we constantly have a 'past' labeled to us. And the word 'past' is always associated with something negative. Yes, I get the whole 'oh the past is what makes us', 'we learn from our mistakes', 'we wouldn't be where we are if it's not for our past' thing. BUT isn't it tiring? 

Sometimes a lot of things I just wish I had the wisdom to decide otherwise then. Why is it that we always have to learn through mistakes and whatnot. The imperfection in us, seeking a kind of perfection. Why can't we be like pure snow, untainted and un-dirtied. Sometimes I just wish I could 'shake' off my past, as if nothing happened. As if in 22 years of my existence, I am who I am now not because of a 'past' and 'mistakes'.

Funny how God restores, erases, and washes our sins as white as snow, but we humans struggle so much to try to come to terms with that. That we are a new creation, and we have a new beginning. 


Please be assured that I'm not feeling particularly 'emotional' about this, but I was just thinking really hard in my head. Inevitably, this is how God made us. 


May we always have the wisdom to make the right decisions, and be led by the Spirit daily. Life is too short to live just for ourselves. 

Thinking of a title is actually very stressful.


Just dawned upon me that kinda change that recept brought about in me.


I used to be sooooo not 'I', can't speak fluently, awkward when meeting new people, stammer a lot when I'm thinking of something, and often saying things that sound way better in my head.

Just picked up a call, and I realized I've become so much more fluent and firm, but at the same time friendly and polite. And I was amazed! One year of training and practicing hasn't gone down the drain.

I don't necessarily think it's a bad change. In fact, it's rather good. It was such a big step out of my comfort zone. I'm such a 'S' person, I love to blend, love to stay out of the way and be backstage. I would rather do the offstage work, and not be in the limelight.

But this job pushes me to be extra smiley everyday, extra friendly on the phone, multi-task every minute of work, be very nice to everyone who is here, be really helpful and follow through on a request, be patient when meeting new people (and often weird ones). And I'm quite shocked to realize that I've gradually become more 'I', something I never thought I would be! 

And to be honest I am not exactly 'rejecting' this change in me, I quite embrace it. I love building relationships with people important to me, and I love being able to communicate well to strangers and listen to their woes (okay sometimes not really) and problems. Being able to help, is a great thing.

Not forgetting the different colleagues that I talk to on an everyday basis, exchanging smiles, greetings and whatnot. These little conversations bring life to my soul. It is so nice to be able to exchange stories with people of the same spirit and heart, always so encouraging and nice. I love it that people genuinely care, out of a good heart.

But of course, this job has its cons as well. Sometimes... you just don't want to be friendly and nice. Haha.

Well, it's a growing process.. :) 


再更深一点

i think i have the most boring blog ever. i only write and write and write.


my bad, 2012 i haven't been penning down my thoughts much. and i was just thinking to myself today, what a waste it is. because i want to be able to look back and read about how i've grown through the years.


was just pondering on the idea of companionship. 


i think it's so true that God wired us up to be relational, and that each of us having that companion. in each of our soul, we have this bucket full of words, ideals, conversations, laughters reserved to be poured out to this companion. and it's a great thing to be able to share.

but then again, it brought me back to the feeling of 'guardedness'. to me, it takes a lot to let down my guards. i feel like i'm a simple enough girl, but i am very reserved when it comes to letting people into my life. i feel that relationships should always be two-way, bit by bit, and letting the walls fall down.

i think it's important to consider who to let into the vulnerability zone. 



and... have i mentioned before how fascinated i am by people with depth? 


深度.

changes.


i didn't really know what to make of it when i first heard of it. 
and then i stayed in bed for a full 18 hours.. thinking.

i realized i have gone past that point. it didn't hurt me like how it used to. it didn't cause me the pain i was expecting it to. but it did bring about lots of confusing thoughts. after it sunk in a while, i laid there, and thought to myself, yes, i am affected by it.


and all the painful memories just came flooding back. the empty promises, the disappointments, the emotions. and... i cried and cried. yes, it's painful. but i realized the pain came from a different place. it's not out of the 'bad' pain, but it's something that just hurts, in that soft tender spot in my heart, where you still occupy.


i feel strangely replaced. i feel a little forgotten. and then i wonder why do i still give you such a big portion of my heart. where were you when i was healing? where were you when we all had to go through such a difficult time? it hurts to think that you were 'enjoying'. it seems unfair, really.


and then i read my favourite book in the bible - psalms. it brought so much comfort to my soul. always feels like God is writing a love letter to me whenever i read psalms. where would i be without You? still struggling... i'm sure.


i told myself to let it affect me for only a day, a night. and i'll move on. 

To a dear friend.

There are just some people close to your heart. So so close to your heart.
And you realize that God placed them there for a reason. 


To you, 

God alone knows your pain. He collects the tears you have shed throughout your 22 years of life. He tears and hurts together with you when you recall every bad memory of your life. He understands your need for time and space, that you need time to heal and be ready. He understands, and He is always patiently waiting for the day till you are ready to.

He is patiently waiting to embrace you in His arms. To tell you just how much He loves you. To tell you that you've been such a brave and courageous girl. To tell you He sees your pain, and is sorry to see you go through all these by yourself, alone and away from your family in another country. 

He wants to let you know that He is the story writer of your life. He holds the pen, and He is slowly writing a beautiful story out of your life. To Him, it might even be the most beautiful story He has ever written in the entire universe, cos to Him, each and every child is His favorite.

We've been through similar things. I understand that pain... through and through. My heart aches for you each time, because I know exactly how it hurts. I know how much it takes for you to say that you will start forgiving. I know because I've been there.

God placed you in my life, to go through my hardest and darkest moments together with me. God placed me in your life, and I will always be here as a friend and a cheerleader, to go through your darkest moments.

To me, the greatest consolation of it all is that God is with us. Every valley, pain, struggle, hurt. We will find strength in Him together.

I love you my dear friend. You are the best friend anyone can ask for. Even without mentioning anything here, I know you know that I'm talking to you.

A letter to Dad.

Pa,

A little belated, but Happy Father's Day.

I don't think you have any idea how much I dread this occasion. After many years down the road, it's still the same for me.

It'll always be a hole and a lack in my life. And because of you, I struggled with trust issues. And after that a couple of bad relationships, it felt like you all over again, and I realized just how deep you've hurt me by walking away, by causing such unhappiness. Whenever I got reminded of those times, whenever I reread all your emails, there will always be emotions surging through me, of sadness.

I never had a proper male model or a real man in my life before. A real father. In all my life, my fondest memory is probably you bringing me to the playground when I was 3. The rest of it is so smeared by unhappiness and distance.

I never had a proper chance to say how I really feel to you or to anyone. But if you are reading this, I just want to say, I've forgiven you. I know that deep down, you still do love us. I forgave you... many years ago. But the healing takes time... and I might never be able to forget the hurt and perhaps it'll always remain as an untreatable sore in my heart.

Even through all these, I found strength and love in someone bigger, someone whose love does not run out. That, alone, saved me. I don't know where would I be if I haven't found that saving grace.

That Father will weave a beautiful story out of my pain... He alone will.

I haven't seen you for more than 2 years... I'm not ready to face you yet or to have a conversation with you... But I pray with all my heart that you'll find happiness and fulfillment that you've been looking for all your life. I pray that you'll see what's truly important and pursue them, instead of things that will pass away. I pray that in the midst of it all, you'll find the same peace that I've found and we can meet in heaven.

Pa, I really pray you'll be happy. And I await that day of reconciliation, when we are all ready, in God's love.


Ting.

the magnificent creation.

it's a good thing to be close to nature once in a while.


this morning i purposely woke up at 4.50am to try and catch the sunrise. but all i saw was fog and drizzle and clouds. but in the distance i saw the waves roaring in to the beach... birds chirping nearby...

not picture perfect. but it was beautiful still...

i went back to bed touched to the core. every single thing that God created is so beautiful.
sometimes we get so caught up with busyness we fail to just pause, and see.
everything around us, God created them. and it's so magnificent.


today we went to a 香草 place. saw the different mints. there were at least 4-5 of them, each so uniquely different and smells different as well. i was so amazed! add to them the beautiful roses, and different flowers... 


i was touched again. God put in so much thought in creating these things. down to every single detail. 
it's amazing, ain't it?



a pause from work is a very good thing.
had the chance to know God as someone real... and you can see Him everywhere.

or maybe it's because i've been reading The Shack, so everything seems to be that little more personal. 
how i yearn to see You face to face one day... 

On the wings of prayer.

"On the wings of prayer our burdens take flight, 
And our load of care becomes bearable light,
And our heavy hearts are lifted above,
To be healed by the balm of God's wonderful love,
And the tears in our eyes are dried by the hands of a loving Father who understands. 
All of our problems, our fears and despair, 
when we take them to Him. 
On the wings of prayer."


Such a touching poem. :)