hello.

I feel that this period of time, God has been dealing with my heart a lot. Many do not see the struggles and the conflicts within my heart. Of letting go, and letting God. If you don't see, doesn't mean it's not.

I feel that God is teaching me to declutter my heart. Sometimes we allow many experiences, scars, wounds to hurt us, that our heart is not 'whole' anymore. And these can even stop us from drawing near to God. Saw on twitter a few days ago, does time really heal? We don't know for sure, but we know that Jesus will.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God."

Pure heart = Pure vision.

Coming into a place of yieldedness and brokeness before the Lord. And these, I know He doesn't despise.

I'm happy at where I'm at now, because I feel Him closer than ever before, and these experiences won't be wasted. I've come a long way in being stubborn... But only He knows the ways of my heart.

I love Mondays. If you don't already know that.

People always ask me... So what do you do on your off days?

Well... I'm afraid the answer would change how people think of me. Hurhur. Or mostly people who are not close to me. 

Contrary to what most people think, I hate going out. Okay maybe hate is a strong word. Maybe dislike is better. I stay home on Mondays. I strongly believe that we all need days where we just hole up and disappear from the world. One day, I'm gonna try disappearing without my phone. When I don't need to answer to anyone, answer any questions, or even talk for the matter. (And that's why my replies are slower on Mondays....)

There is just something so powerful in staying away. At least for me. I work hard five and a half days of the week, and I NEED this off day, to just disappear. I don't really need to do anything in particular but I do love to do the usuals, cooking, reading and watching my shows. 

I stay strictly protective over my Mondays... I only give exceptions to exceptional cases... If I don't feel well-rested, I feel that I will start the week with an unhappy and unrested soul and I absolutely dislike that.

Well, something about me. I love my Mondays. Period. :)

Isaiah 61:3

had a talk with a friend a few days earlier.

got me into thinking, maybe this society has carved us in such a way that we 'grow' into liking something, 'grow' into being passionate about something. just because it is so suffocating as it is, a dreamless, hopeless society that doesn't really encourage us to be who we are.

studying: no long a kind of gaining knowledge process, but it's just something we are kind of forced into.

how many people actually are studying what they don't like? what they can't wait to get out of. and overtime, we are forced to grow to like what we are doing, not because we already have that interest in the beginning, but because it is what we are familiar, what we are 'supposed' to like.

so in turn, we grow into having an interest in what we didn't think we would have an interest in, and we become passionate about something short lived. I don't think that this is something that creates longevity. I believe this 'grown' passion dies...

because only our hearts truly know what we are called to do. and we can't find fulfillment till the day we find our place. we can survive through life, thinking this is what we can grow to like. sure, some may become successful. but there will be times, when we wonder. is it worth it?

they say, "follow your heart". and i truly believe in that. our minds can tell us and analyze a million paths we should take that easily seem better than what our hearts tell us. but at the end of day, our hearts know best.

it all started when i wanted to do a card for someone's birthday but didnt have anything at home at all. so i started to collect magazines and buying construction paper. and then it got pretty boring as to me, these two items limit my creativity.

so i started collecting scrapbook papers. ranging from pretty florals to lines etc. started buying foam alphabets to stick. then i fell in love with the whole japanese washi tape craze, and started buying LOTS of tapes.

went china, couldnt resist the cheap buys. bought rubber stamps, even more papers, dollies, even more tapes, cute stickers, kraft paper... and my collection grew like never before.

crafting is an expensive hobby.

roughly calculated all that i've spent, i probably have spent in the hundreds already. over a short period of 2 years? my dear washi tapes cost me a bomb.

but its really something that i'm so passionate about. i want to collect all the pretty things in the world! once i have my own house... i dream of having my own craft room with the different materials categorized neatly in cupboards.

wish i had more time to do more!

wish i had more money to buy more!

as of now... i dont think i'll ever stop this hobby of mine... :)

想用繁體寫一寫此刻的心情。

昨晚去了五月天｛諾亞方舟｝演唱會。

有些事和東西，就是那麼地貼近你的心。

記得我是從2003年，｛時光機｝開始喜歡上五月天。起初只是覺得專輯設計和概念很特別。漸漸地，開始聽以往的歌曲，開始愛上他們那麼熱情的態度，對生命生活的看法。不久後，也成為自己的信念。

10年了。還是一樣地感動。

他們的歌，陪我走過好多路。

坎坷的，艱難的，開心的....

我記得每首歌給過我的感動。

是他們，讓我從新愛上中文。愛上語言、文字的魅力。

沒有他們，我也不會讀中文系。

如果沒讀中文系，我今天... 會在哪裡？

覺得除了自己以外，不會有幾個人了解我在說甚麼。

而有些感動，只能自己藏在心里，自己明瞭。

五月天，他們的音樂給了我音樂。

給了我一種生活的態度。

陪伴我在最孤獨的夜晚。

讓我流淚，讓我感動。

不管你們來幾次，我都會默默地在台下支持著你們。

謝謝有你們的音樂。謝謝你們當初找到了勇氣去追夢想。

因而成就了很多人追夢的放肆。

Today was quite a day. Maybe when you didn't start the day well it'll all end not as well? I dont know... Little things, big things.. Seem to affect me a lot.

Was just thinking the other day, what I'm working as now, it is very different from my peers. They are all studying, or working to save for uni. And sometimes, reading through twitter, Facebook, and kind of think, their worries and my worries are very different. Not that im boasting that I'm the more mature one or anything like that. Far from it. Just that sometimes I wonder if I started on this journey a little too soon? Like I'm expected to faster grow up and take some responsibilities, with my limited experience. Being clueless about things, I somehow got to find my way.....

Sometimes I wonder what would it be like if I were studying instead.

But yet on the other hand, I'm so grateful to be where I am today.. What a privilege to be able to serve one of the greatest man on earth now (IMO), even if it's doing very little things, I'm grateful.. Ytd was just washing his bottle, and was thinking to myself, even if that's what's required of me for the rest of my life, for Him and for this great leader, I would do it.

Called to be different? Called to be set apart? Is this what that means?

Above all, my life is not mine... I'll be where God leads me. And what matters to Him matters to me.

Doing all the little things that my job requires. And I know God is faithful. He will fight for me.

"It had never occured to me that our lives would have been so closely interwoven. Could unravel with such speed. If I'd known, maybe I'd have kept tighter hold of them. And not let unseen ties pull us apart."

- Never Let Me Go

maybe its the time of the night again....

thinking.

we always dont get another person's insecurities, do we? we can never understand, until we've experienced it. thus for us to share about them, is a big step of trust. trust that the vulnerability wont be violated. trust that somehow, that party has got a solution to help you. trust that somehow, our insecurities will become securities.

but we always find our securities in the funniest places.

so far, i've struggled quite a bit in this area. i think its a girl thing as well. or is it even right for me to always blame things on my father? so far... i've not been in this area for very long now. because God spoke to me before and i've learnt to trust in Him. but being humans, we fall, we stumble..

cant help but wonder... will things always be this way?

some nostalgic stuff. so led me to dig out some old stuff. and realised... since young.. i've always been the very giving person. those kind that give all that they can, because they trust easily. and always giving people the benefit of doubt, seeing the better side in people. give my time, my efforts, my thoughts.

and i remembered my Chinese teacher in poly said before, these are the kind of people who will get hurt easily.

i flipped through the many letters, notebook, gifts i've gave to my sis, mum, friends. read all the notes... and i've always tried to give my best when i can. even when my parents' marriage was failing, i wrote in a note to my sister that i felt we should appreciate my dad more.

maybe my teacher was right, and that is why i was so affected.. or am still so affected by things and people.. thinking why is it that i always try my best, but get disappointment in return? or have i put my heart in the wrong place?

and then i try to link it all back to my dad. and try to 'blame' him for who i am now. how many times can a child do that before that excuse expires? or is it a valid enough reason that i am wired up in this way? because truth is, he really did leave a big hole and gap in my life. as much as i want to forget and move on, i still think of the incidents that happened, think of him, think of the what ifs. but is it fair to him that i feel this way?

i've no answer...

the heart indeed, is a lonely hunter.

i wish i had a normal daddy. the earthly one.

then maybe my insecurities wouldnt be so... real.

then maybe i wouldnt disappoint myself.

"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."

- Slyvia Plath

Countdowns have lost its meaning to me. I miss the old days and times when it used to be a few dear ones doing random stuff. But now it seems like everything's changed and also everyone has their +1 to care for.

2011 has been great and I do not want to do anything that I don't feel like on the last day of the year.

So guess what? Yes. I'm going home to an empty house and just be totally ztt for the night without needing to care about anything. :)

you know how in the movies, once this person finds his/her dream and passion, this greater purpose, how he/she forsakes everything else for that purpose?

just suddenly, everything else seems not as important, and everything falls away, and this something in you click, that jigsaw falls into place, and you finally understand.

and theres no turning back when you've been called. i'd gladly answer and give my everything.

have i mentioned how much i adore this tv series?

just finished last week's episode.. and i love how relatable each character is. that at the end of the day... you watch the show and you just feel like you are part of them.. the feelings are so.. raw.

no matter what we go through in life, there is one thing that keeps us going back or going in circles - love. In the family, between spouses, between ex-husbands, brothers and sisters, colleagues.

And love is the superglue that keeps each character in their own place, how they struggle and triumph, with love. and at the end of the day, you watch their lives unfold before you and you cant help feeling overwhelmed, because love is powerful, and transferrable from a person to next.

i just love parenthood :)