hello.

i think my mum cries herself to sleep quite often.

its really nice to go for bible studies every wed.it keeps me going and darren is really funny.and the way he shares his life experiences really encourages me. :)


just now,i spent all the money left on me on a $1 McDonald's coke.

i walked along boat quay with my $1 coke.and i find the contrast pretty funny-me with my $1 coke,against those beers wine cocktails that those richer people were having.

but somehow,i felt that my coke was still the yummiest around.

and i walked towards the grass patch in the middle outside raffles place MRT station,sat there and finished my coke,staring at all the high-rise buildings around me.

i was so mesmerized by the lifts,the way it zoomed right up to the topmost floor and down again.

and looking up,wondering whats the view up there at the topmost floor.i should be like an ant to the person up there.


actually since young,high high high buildings always amaze me. :)

just sharing my thoughts. :)

zhang tingting, you cant be addicted to online shopping anymore. you cant go and click every link, and start looking. and hesitating whether to buy or not. because you have no more money left. life is more than online shopping. so zhang tingting, CONTROL!

i suddenly miss my old phone so much.the one i lost. :(

at least i have pictures to upload every other day.

and and and,its a good phone!







but well,life is still good.


btw,i realised army can have such a different effect on guys.maybe cos i've always been in church so the guys will go army,and even though there may be transition periods here and there,but they mostly stay the same.at least not the drastic kind.

so i really do believe that army changes people,becoming mature and all.

but i realised too that sometimes,its only a portion of people.it all depends on how you look at it.

cos,after talking with my cousins for the 5-days period,they changed loads man.like,really loads.realised instead of being influenced on the good side of army,they became even more childish and not grown-up at all i almost shook my head in disbelief.

like,all four of them smoke.one still saved la,but almost that kind.

and thats really very shocking considering they started out being really innocent and were the ones so against smoking.

but realised too that sometimes they smoke cos they wanna grab attention and think its a really nice feeling that people get surprised to hear they smoke.

and loads of mindsets and thoughts that are so so so wrong and childish i spent half of my night talking to one of them to tell them to grow up and talked sense into them.


people really change with different environments.

okay.today marks the day of my grandpa's last day on earth. (at least in bodily form).

and btw,i just feel that this post is going to be really long.haha.

well,i cant explain why.but the whole 5 days was tiring and tiring.no idea why,considering we had nothing much to do.but it was so draining physically and mentally i seriously doubted i can last for 5 days.

and the most exaggerating thing is,sat's ritual actually lasted from 11am all the way till 10.30pm.with 1 hour/half hour/20 mins break in between.it was crazy like dont know what.but the whole thing was a whole new experience as well.learnt lots of stuff and felt that i went up another level.

(oh btw,before i get into those stuff,felicia chin and tay ping hui and joanne peh and chen tai ming came!hahaha.and i shook felicia's hands shes omgly pretty.and tay ping hui said 'thank you' to me when i served him peanuts.hee.)

these five days,so many thoughts running through my mind.i just cant add them together to come to a conclusion.but well,one thing that really impacted me alot was this:



LIFE
__________________________________________

DEATH



life and death.its only separated by one thin line.theres no going back.

i still cant forget the image of my grandpa,still alive.so happy to see me visiting him,but yet,dont have the energy to say anything to me,with all the oxygen mask and countless tubes sticking into his bruised hands.

and the next thing i know,he's lying there,dead,but with a little life still left,supported by all the medicine and machines.but hes already not breathing and his heart stopped beating.

and the doc declared him dead at 2.29pm.after waiting for all of the family members to be present.

and the next image was of him,lying there like a mummy.the nurses used white cloth to wrap his body up.

after that,its like what i always used to see on hongkong dramas,us identifying the body in the mortuary,the body all stiffened up and lifeless,like the bodies in CSI.

and then,we were all doing the rituals.and as i passed by the coffin,seeing his sunken face and lifeless body,it saddened me so much.





we breathe everyday.our heart beats every min.

and i came to realise,its all so precious.
it got me really impacted.





today was the cremation.

and the idea that grandpa's body is gone in the fire,and all that's left of him is his photograph,it made me tear.

today my uncle told me,we were born into this world carrying nothing,and we leave carrying nothing as well.

and as i witnessed the cremation,was just thinking about it.and..its so true.my grandpa left with nothing.

as he was pushed into the fire,flashes of my grandpa flashed through my mind.though i was never close to him,but he still loved me.and i'll always remember his smiling face,hugging me,his moustache pricking into my cheek as he kisses me.





i learnt so much over these few days that i can never learn elsewhere.

i made such a big step towards God.everyday,i thank Him that i'm alive and kicking.every morning,i thank Him that its a new day that He has made,i will rejoice and be glad in it.






how can we cherish?

i remember reading a blog post my sis posted ages ago after her birthday.
she said that she love the family alot.but she knows that one day,we'll be gone.thats why shes doing her best to cherish.but she was asking,if she cherished more,isnt it saying that it'll be even more painful when we're gone?




------------------

Dear God,

even though i may not understand the mysteries of life.but i still wanna thank You for everything.

you know,its such a honour,today,being able to rush down for service and rush off again.like what pst kong said,"peace that surpasses all understanding".

i cant thank You enough.the very thing that You gave me life.and the unexpressable joy.i felt so happy today at church.that is where i belong.

you know the things that run through my mind.i may not have answers.but i know its all part of your masterplan.

if one day i'll die and be cremated like my grandpa,i just want to let you know that i'll be thankful..that my body is just a symbolism of my life on earth..that i still have eternity with you.

thank you again..for life.for every breath.for every heart beat.

everything that i'm living for.and everything that i am.

thank you for such a precious lesson learnt.

i may not grasp hold of the whole 'cherish' thing yet.but Daddy,i want you to know that i really do cherish what you gave and promised me..as i cross 2 years with you,i come to realise more and more everyday that what i have with you,i cant find anywhere else..

i'm so proud to have you as my big and perfect Daddy. :)

突然想用华语。

刚刚在电视上看到阿信，心里一阵开心起来。

发现，太久没去他的博客了。

读了后，只能用“不可思议”来形容。又上了一堂心灵课。





----
也发现到，我的华语退步了。

this came through my mail, a Max Lucado subscription.and i think its really heart-warming and true:

"When desperation typhoons into your world, God’s offer of a free flight home demands a second look. John 3:16 morphs from a nice verse into a life vest.

Some of you are wearing it. You can recount the day you put it on. These words have kept you company through multiple windswept winters. I pray they warm you through the ones that remain."

i like the image of a 'life vest'.and so often,it is so true.

somehow,i feel in my heart that i'm being prepared for something.just that something that's gonna happen.i've no idea what.but just that.

anyhow,a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you my darling jiaxin!haaha.okay.sorry i didnt drop a sms.cos i'm pretty pissed by my phone nowadays i just dont feel like touching it.your s-u-r-p-r-i-s-e is ooonnnn the wayyy!hahaha.but it may take some time yeah!and i'm sure you'll be reading this.haha.you are one of the silent readers around.

and yes,while bathing just now,i realised i talk to myself alot.like really alot.and all the time.and nowadays my fave topic with myself is trying to think of a perfect blog post to end this year.and how i'll evaluate this year.no idea why i'm 3 months ahead.haha.and i'll argue within myself.haha.

maybe cos nowadays i'm running over what happened this year alot.and what i've learned from the various events.

its pretty cool to reflect.

and,not being pessimistic in any way.but i just feel that my grandpa wont survive this year round.he can hardly talk now.with all those tubes stuffed into his throat.and his stomach is like,huge.

i dont know what to say..but.its really miles away from his past.happy seeing me visiting him again and such.

well,lesson learnt: drinking is really really bad for your health.

heyhey youyou.

just wanna blog about random stuff.
really random.

1) like,last week i was eating satay.and you know,theres always cucumbers and onions at the side?but we always refuse to eat it.(at least,for me.) and yeah..my mum bought satay frm east coast for me last week,and i was complaining to her i dont want the cucumbers,and she was like,just try eating a few slices,treat it like a fruit.

and i unwilling tried it,with lots and lots of satay sauce.and i realised..it tasted pretty good!seriously good.its crunchy and fresh.

2) its really nice to joke around and talk with your mum.i couldnt do it back then. its such a chore for me.but i replaced all the bad thoughts with good ones slowly and man,now whenever i see my mum do stuff,i'll be like, "thats so her!so cute!".hahaha. (eg. the habit of using her hands to sweep away all the dirt on her bed before sleeping even though no one touched her bed at all.)



so the moral of the story is.sometimes,a lot of things,it requires effort and energy to turn and change our mindset.like cucumbers can be really yummy.and rebellion can be changed to joking around.


theres always 360 degrees to every point.there can be 360 ways to look at each and every thing in our life too.

so dont give up!keep keeping on.the stuff that you are studying now may be precious knowledge that you may require in the future. :)

i was dreaming yesterday..

about how we have this fab house,with pretty interiors and with sunlight streaming into the house,so warm and welcoming.

and every night,my dad will tuck me to sleep and my mum will read me a goodnight story.and i'll fall asleep so peacefully.

every morning,my mum will draw my curtains and let the pretty sunlight shine on my just-awakened face.and the whole family will gather at the dining table and have good breakfast together,complete with french toast,eggs,and a cup of milk.

and every evening when everyone comes home,we'll wash up and complete our day's work while waiting for dinner to be served.we'll gather around the dining table again,laughing the day away and eating delicious dinner whipped up by my mum.

after dinner,we'll all gather in front of the tv and watch our fave tv programmes,while telling each other our problems we encountered during the day.then,one by one,we go to sleep.

and even if one of us does something wrong,my parents will teach her in a peaceful and acceptable way,understanding that children do need space too.

and we'll continue to live without a care,happily ever after.

but happily ever after doesnt really exist in reality.in the end i woke up and realised its all a dream.it'll be really cool if my 'dream can come true'.

its torturous and so unloving here.

but well,i made a decision deep in my heart that i'll always be forgiving and optimistic.

when i die,i want to be remembered as being the most optimistic girl that my friends ever know.well,its hard.but its this small little determination in my heart that keeps me going.

thank You. :)









anyhow,i learned something new today!

i was reading a book and there was 'sceptical'.but i remembered 'skeptical' instead.and i realised they are actually two same words too!hahaha.a bit lag la.but ya.better late than never ma!

skeptic looks nicer!haha.

SLEEEEEPPP! i shall adjust my body clock back to normal timings again.

goodbye to unhealthy lifestyle! :)

hello fellow noonims,hyungs and even ahjussi(s) and ahjumma(s)! :)

sorry.caught the korean fever.korean is like so nice la!but no,i still dont feel like visiting korea.haha.

btw,the above four ailen words the meaning is as follow: noonim is a word for girls,dont know the meaning. hyung is used when you consider the opposite is real brother.ahjussi is to address guys older than you. ahjumma is for older women. :) cool hor!

and,i think i'm really crazy.due to the excessive korean 'coffee prince' that i'm watching,sometimes i realise i listen to korean more than chinese/english in a day.so,today when i went orchard,seriously everyone seems to be speaking korean.

as in,up until the point i called cally and asked if koreans are on vacaation or something.i heard at least 13people speaking in korean in far east,and i'm not even kidding!

then i realised i must be imagining things.haaha.its pretty funny.

so my whole point in this post is,well..i've caught the korean fever again!after goong and da chang jin.hahaha. :)

hey!

i just realised 4 days ago,its my 2nd anniversary spent with Jesus.heeee.it seems like ages but its only two years.still got eternity to go. :)

anyway,i thought today was a good day spent.i helped my mum out in some stuff and its real satisfying to hear your mum praise you!haaha.and then i spent some good time reading up on the free gift that time sent me.its a book on 'exploring the unexplained'.its really exciting!at first i only wanted to flip through but i ended up reading almost half of it.

and,i was reading their articles on spiritual matters like supernatural healings,casting out of demons,exorcism etc. (anyway even Benny Hinn and Oral Roberts were mentioned!) and i was kinda amused by it.

you see,science has got people so divided.and sometimes,i find it real amazing.it always tries to prove things with methods in the scientific way.and when some stuff (eg, laying of hands,supernatural healings) happened and cant be explained,it gets really angry and blames everything on man's own psychological and mental state.

for example,they were rather divided in the area of supernatual healings,and they blamed it on the "placebo effect",where one gets healed when his belief in a cure translate into actual improvement.

i dont know why but i think its really funny how some people really are desperate to prove things in a "earthly way",if not,they'll blame it on some unknown or unexplained mental state one is in.

and that got me thinking why.cos i always believe that no matter how advance technology is,and how scientists are getting more pro in 'psychology' and theres even people willing to pay big bucks to study psychology,theres always a limit and up to a point where all these 'sciences' can prove.just like how i cant possibly know what you are exactly thinking right now.(unless theres some really super invention that can read people's minds that i dont know of)

and thats probably the reason why these skeptics try all means and ways to prove believers wrong,and when they fail,they point to man's own mindset and their psychological state.

oh,and i just realised,even 'psychology' is a type of science.

well,just to share what i've been thinking about all night.its really interesting to note how this world always want 'truth' and the 'real reason' behind everything and all the things that are happening on our dear planet earth.they just simply cant leave anything unexplained.

its so interesting!hee.

i shall sleep now.chorus board training tomorrow. :) goodnight!