I decided to create a new blog, to start anew. Haha.

https://vztingting.blogspot.sg/

I'm deciding whether I'm gonna open it up or not, but here goes!

When things get too much.


I've always disliked the glorification of being busy. As we age... It gets harder to find time for doing many things, simply because we have other commitments too.

It's not a bad thing... to streamline to cut away. To declutter...

I really need a good detox for my life. Too many negative thoughts recently, too tired all the time, too bogged down by many things, most of the days I am filled with dread.

The things that I want to do, I find myself too busy to. And I hate it when I've to reply people, "I've been too busy". We make time for the things that matter yes...

I just really need a timeout and a break. It seems like I keep telling myself, after this and that my life would be better. But it's not true... Maybe it's really a state of mind. And I really do need to cut away things that don't need me.

In our fast paced life, how do we truly take a break though?

Godliness with contentment is great gain.


I've not had this kind of Saturday in a long long while. I'm currently on one week's leave to study for my exams next week. Though I'm supposed to be studying... I've taken quite a bit of break to do everything else. :p

I've been cooking dinner for myself every night for past 3 days! It feels good to cook different stuff up, past few months I've been too tired to do anything. Glad this exam break enabled me to do so! I've cleared stuff from the fridge I've been meaning to clear since forever. Washed dishes, prepared breakfast for tomorrow, prepared fruits for snacks later.

Now... I'm applying clay mask and waiting for it to dry before showering.
I don't know why but all these little things make me so so happy. I really can't remember the last time I felt so at ease... and decluttered. You know those nagging thoughts that come to you everyday, asking you to do this do that, but you've never really gotten around to doing it? So glad I could today!

I think I haven't been very healthy or kind to myself since 2016 started. It blurred past me.

After my exams... I really want to take the time out to piece back my life again, find the drive again, declutter my life, prioritize what's important. Read more, love myself more.


“其实敬虔和知足才是真正的财富” - 1 Timothy 6:6

I've been thinking about simplicity a lot this season of my life again. 

There are many things to pursue, many things to want, many things to need, many things to conquer. But these days... I find joy in the simplest of things, day-to-day mundane routine.

And I thought to myself, what is contentment? I guess true contentment comes when we simplify our lives, stripping away the unnecessary, understanding that what's essential is not really seen. Other things are just bonuses or add-ons.

知足常乐。还在学习着。

A space to breathe.


Sharing one of my favourite photos from my Nice trip back in 2014. I simply love Nice so much! Such a charmer! I feel like I could just sit there the whole day, enjoying the breeze and sky and stare into the horizon. Seagulls flying everywhere... the waves amazingly soothing. The beach is filled with pebbles instead of sand! Being the OCD me... I actually secretly hate sand. I dislike the feeling of having tiny particles between my toes and fingers and not able to fully clean it off. I know I know... I am a weird creature. So Nice's beach fits me perfectly!


This is one of my favourite photos as well. I was touched just strolling by and noticing this old couple. Sitting there together enjoying the view. Simplicity... Bliss!

All these are non-filtered. You simply don't need filter in gorgeous Nice! No wonder it's filled with tourists during summer. Perfect to go in the colder months like December like I did! :)

Okay so why the nostalgia.

I was scrolling through my photos and missing these carefree moments. I feel like this year is so busy it's ridiculous. I feel like sometimes I've no space to breathe! But then again, sometimes it's also the pressure I put on myself. Working and studying part time is no joke... All these on top of other commitments. There were so many moments I felt overwhelmed.

I'm not that kind who WANTS a holiday to get away, to feel that I've rested. I don't like the idea of living from holiday to holiday to 'get away'. I believe we CAN rest too even if we are in Singapore. It's a state of mind more than anything. Of course, holidays are nice... But if we live from holiday to holiday, I think we won't truly enjoy the in-betweens. It's so easy to get stuck in a rut, and experiencing a 'high' to be okay. I don't really like such a perspective of life. There is also beauty in the mundane.

I digress. All in all, I think for now, I really need a space to breathe. I was feeling a little too burnt out, carrying negativity and cynicism too often in me. It's so not healthy. I simply can't wait for exams to end actually.

In the meantime, Tingting fighting!

'New"!

Hello. I have been thinking for the longest time to revive this dead space. I thought that I should start afresh, to have a new blog, as the 'old' one is rather negative. Haha. But then again... I thought that it's a good timeline of how my life progressed. Hahaha. I used to only blog when I'm emo. So hilarious.


I'm still trying to figure out some HTML stuff though! Bear with me.


Hello to you if you are here... I have no idea who still bothers to read this space. Haha.


Am trying this out again... A space for me to just write on and on. I recently feel that I should start 'cutting' on social media, thus I've not been posting a lot lately. It's scary what we put in public. I feel I should keep a low profile. Been quite a good thing though!


Will be back! :)

LWK.

It has been a month since you passed on, and my world remains that bit quieter, that space that only you would be able to 'intrude'.

I think you've changed my life in a very profound way.
And it's a pity how I truly found out more about you only after you passed.
I didn't know what a sweet boy you were...
That would probably be my regret in life.

Would that have changed how I feel/act towards you?
Would I have been able to take better care to help you?
I really wouldn't know.

Life is funny like this. We always learn things on hindsight.
If given the chance again with the knowledge I have now, would I be able to do things better? I really wouldn't know.

And just like this... We learn bit by bit, little by little. 
What it means to be a Human. What it means to Love. 

What I used to think as annoying and frustrating, 
is the very thing that I miss now.
See you very soon up there... My friend. It still pains me.

People often quote, we should make full use of everyday and live to be the happiest. 
But it's so real that not everyday is meant to be the happiest.
If we were only meant to be happy everyday, why would we need other emotions? 

I would say we should live the fullest everyday.
Embrace each day's events in every emotion presented.
Sad, angry, hurt, happy...
When we feel sad, allow ourselves to feel the full weight of sadness. 
When we are angry, to question ourselves why do we feel anger and come to terms with it. 
When we are hurt, accept the fact, feel it, and let it heal. 
When we are happy, remember that it doesn't happen everyday and remember that moment. 

人生无常，我们可以体验的，就应该彻底地体验。

Blessing in disguise

我已经好久好久不让自己沉溺于慢歌里

不过最近发现，其实应该OK了

比较成熟了、比较懂事了

一切都有始有终，深切地明白了
最能依靠、永不变的只有祢

领悟了这一切，其实也是福. 

5.

So many people have asked if I'm okay, and if I'm better.

I guess I am? But I still do feel it... sometimes. But thinking back on how much I've grown and how much happier I've become since it happened, I guess I came a long way.

I literally cringed last night when I thought of the many nights I spent in tears... And I do not wish to go back to those days. I am happy being where and who I am now... Contented. 

But yet I am also human... My heart still jump at every mention of his name, photo, online or offline. Am I completely over it?

Who knows? How can I know when am I exactly over it?
It isn't exactly very long ago, yet it is still quite some time ago.

Sometimes questions still swim in my mind... But I choose to believe in Him. I really do. I think this has made me see a lot of things clearer, about myself and about relationships.

Being honestly raw, I think I might have lost some faith in relationships. As of now... I am just a little bit afraid. So... I'm comfortable at where I am now. 

But of course... God I'm willing to be shaped through this process... into someone much better, stronger and wiser.

复.

有时候会顿时忘了

但突然想起时，又会重新感受那忧伤


我现在可能真的不是真正快乐，

时间会冲淡一切吧？但愿时间对我友善点，让我尽快复原。

Some days are okay, some days are bearable,
some days I still crash, some days I still fail. 

Maybe the whole pain of it all is that it was so unexpected and unpredictable. And that makes it all the more harder to swallow. 

Probably the hardest thing is also, there is no shortcut through this. Just got to go through the whole emotional tidal wave, the whole tsunami of what-ifs, and pray that I will still be standing at the end of it all. I need time, yet time is also what makes it worse. 

Ironies of life. 

All these are real and new to me. The failings and imperfections of mankind. I never thought I would need to learn all these lessons anew. 

Yet... There is always a yet... Yet, Lord, make me wiser, more dependent on You. 
My prayer for this season. 

Day: End.

10 months ago, at this exact place.


I have many questions bogging my head. 
But at the end, it is a journey of acceptance and surrender.


It hurts because it mattered, because I gave my all, I tried my best.


Nights when I question Him, why?
I've accepted I wouldn't be getting my answer now.
Life is lived forwards but understood backwards.



And in the wise words of someone I respect a lot,
One day, your heart will heal, and God will make sense of it all.


I am waiting for that day... Surviving on pure Grace.

Day 8

And I'm beginning to gain a deeper understanding on: Be kind to one another, for everyone has their own battles to fight.

Sometimes, we think we know, but we REALLY don't. It's so different to have experienced something, and truly understand it deeper. 

It is one thing to read about something, think you understand a situation, but so different when you really understand what they are actually feeling through the incident. Life and relationships are so complicated, sometimes you really do not know what/how they are where they are, unless you are in their shoes. 

We all do need lots of grace in our lives... It's not easy.

Day 6.

So it has been quite a tormenting 2 weeks…

So much to say, think, feel, reflect, and change. So much to cry and dwell about too, so much courage needed to be bare, raw and honest, it’s not easy.


At the end of the day, when the cloud clears, I pray that we will still see the good. And the good has a lot to fight for, to work hard for. This is the lowest I/we can get, and I pray that we will pull through.

It's my deepest desire to live simply.

Day 1

“I know this much: that there is objective time, but also subjective time, the kind you wear on the inside of your wrist, next to where the pulse lies. And this personal time, which is the true time, is measured in your relationship to memory.” - Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending


Time doesn't have value in itself. It's the things that we associate it with - our feelings, thoughts, emotions, that in turn makes it into a memory. 

At the end of the day... We have nothing. Only these memories that stay with us. And the funny thing is, we humans CHOOSE those memories that we want to remember.

And I am still praying... the good will remain.

Day 0.

Cliche, but true: "Pain demands to be felt."

I think this has been a very trying year for me, that I juggle between being brave, brutally honest with myself, and facing my monsters.

There were days I don't think I'll have enough courage to face the world...

And... even as I feel like I've taken a faith leap into the unknown, I trust that You have my world in Your hands. I am safe...

Life is ironic. We lose what we hold the tightest. And life throws challenges at you to make you lose equilibrium, and you realize, what you held tightest, will hurt you instead.

GUARD.

A wise friend once told me, in order to go back to the beginning and 'undo' a relationship, is to force both sides to the extreme. like two sticks, if they were very intertwined before, and have to them force apart, you can't just undo them and expect them to stay apart, but you got to bend them to the very end to force a distance before it'll come back to being separate like how they started out.

I am a firm believer of that. I think distance is good sometimes. Before things get back to normal again, distance is very good.

I believe in every relationship we deposit a part of ourselves. And I've come to realize I'm such a relational person. I got to take extra care who I decide to let into my life. Because not everyone is here to stay.

Disciplining the body is hard. But disciplining the mind and emotion is harder, I feel. The bible says, GUARD your heart/mind/thought. It's so easy to let a seemingly subtle, harmless thought to come in, and that may just slowly eat away and destroy your heart/mind/thought. Meditating on things that are noble, true, positive is so so important.

Those were just some random thoughts that came into my mind...


I feel very 'unfeeling' recently, I feel like I've lost my drive. It's not as if anything bad happened, but precisely because nothing much is happening, it feels like I'm missing something. The drive to... drive on to a destination. I need something new...



one of those nights.

It's one of those nights that I feel deeply. 

I think God doesn't remove certain pains in our lives for a reason, He leaves it there, and we need to go through every single bit of pain it brings. 

Unbearable, but He made sure it makes us stronger. 
Unthinkable, but He made sure it brings us up another level.

Sometimes, there are just some roads you need to walk alone. These long, winding roads. Not on pavements but sometimes it seems that it's deep in the forest with no sure way out. It gets pretty lonely and pretty scary... when you look around in the dark and you don't see anything or anyone. And it may seem pretty unfair. It may seem that God has forgotten you. It may seem that you are on the losing end. 

I do wonder. Why does God deem some experiences necessary for our growth and for our good? Must we really learn life's lessons in such a way? When we are going through a hard time, doesn't it pain God more than the need for us to experience it? 

Time and time again, this is a raw nerve that is sensitive for anyone to touch. And somehow I think that God made me in such a way. That it will always stay as a raw nerve as long as I live. Because this is the only part of me that feels in this way. 

I'm naive... I still do believe that God restores in His timing. In ways we do not imagine.

Hello.

Haven't been here in a long while. Was wondering for a moment do I even have words to string a blog post together. Many times, wanted to come here to pen down some thoughts, but just didn't find the time to. And as always... at 4.15am inspiration strikes and here I am. 

Part of the reason for lack of blogposts - I often wonder... what are the appropriate words to describe my exact thoughts. Sometimes, they stay as emotions and feelings, without having a proper name to them. Sometimes, it feels like words do not do them justice. In this world that is too noisy at times, I often find myself keeping a lot of thoughts just in that confined space of mine. 

There were many things I wanted to write about: emotions, seasons of life, incredulity of time etc. And I stopped short, because I just couldn't find proper words to describe what had happened. (not that anything serious happened, but just trying to be a lil dramatic here)

And I wanted to mull and gasp at how much has changed in the past year. It's funny and true - time has its way of teaching us things we wouldn't even have thought of, and it has its way of changing things we thought were for ever. But at the end of the day, we look back and reflect, yes indeed, everything is for the better. 

But now... I feel myself lacking of words to say again. Haaaa. So I'm gonna end abruptly here while awaiting for the next moment of inspiration to strike. 


yesterday I was just thinking.. Does God do anything without any purpose? Isn't it an incredible thing.. To always do every single detail with a purpose in mind? 

I bumped into a friend yesterday that I haven't met in a long while. And that got me thinking... Why does God make us 'bump' into certain people sometimes? What kind of purpose does He have in such a small detail in my life? Does He do anything without any purpose or anything in mind? Even if it seems like there's really nothing to it.

Isn't it an incredible feeling to know that He weaves all these small incidents from each of our lives to make up one whole big masterplan that is ALWAYS for our good, and ALWAYS is for us? What a great God we serve...