the most un-tingting thing happened in tingting's everyday 9-6 life. something that i think is quite rare for me to do, something that i guess never happened before in this context?

i dont think that i am ever a rash person, i always almost think about every possibility and outcome before i make any decision or do anything serious. and most of the time, i'll just let things be and not care.

on that day, i took a very long time to think long and hard before i did anything. thought about the situation, about the outcomes, about the options that i have before me. and that afternoon, i was asked to go to the post office. with 倔强 playing in my ears on repeat mode, i thought even further. i thought about being right or wrong. i thought about making the right or wrong decision. i thought what would be considered rash. i thought what would be appropriate and 'right' in this situation.

and i also checked my heart, and played back each incident that happened, and asked myself if there was anything that i feel i could have done better, or let myself down. i checked my attitudes, i checked my intentions.

i just felt that, for whatever that happened, i did it because for once, i wanted to stand up for myself. i could have just allowed it to pass and just let it go. but there was a very strong feeling inside of me, that rejected this idea strongly. for once, i wanted change, i wanted to have a say. i didnt want to continue everyday life as it is, even if it was to continue like this, i didnt want things to continue without her knowing what i wanted to say.

and was just thinking to myself, even if i made a mistake, let me learn, let me be taught. but i just wanted to not be sorry to myself, and just learn to stand up for once.

and i admit, i did learn alot from this. reflecting on it today (and i'm kinda glad the meeting didnt take place today or i wouldnt have this period of time to think thru and reflect), i may not have chose the best option, and i will apologise. and, i did learn alot in other ways too. how to control and dont be rash etc.

maybe people think its foolish or immature of me doing that. maybe lots of people think i made the wrong decision. but seriously, in a lot of situations, there isnt any right/wrong, and there can be lots of better options too. but in my stance, i did what i felt was right. even if it turns out otherwise, i'm willing to learn i'm willing to change. doing something, for me, for once.

now i'm just leaving everything into God's hand. i did what i can, now its not my own fight anymore. as long as i can stand blameless before God. and let this whole thing make me a better person.




sis' birthday tmr. wondering if i shld go sleep now, or i shld make her a card. or i shld do that tmr instead. hmmm. lol.

im tired physically/mentally in a way. tired of defending myself. for one last time on thurs.