hello.

just one of those nights...

when you want to hide in a corner,

hide under your blanket,

feeling a kind of emptiness,

blankness...

void.

"The hole is no void; the void exists around it."

i believe i have shared this video before. each time i listen to this song, i fall in love all over again. it has such beautiful lyrics, beautiful melody, and meaning.

我会相信一切有尽头 相聚离开都有时候 没有什么会永垂不朽 可是我有时候 宁愿选择留恋不放手 等到风景都看透 也许你会陪我看细水长流

this afternoon, replaying all the chinese songs in my itunes. love how the lyrics speak and come to life. 

<3 the beauty of chinese. there is something so simple, so subtle, yet it speaks so strongly. doesnt need to speak out, "i miss you", but you can still totally feel the pain and the 想念.

i think this word is huge.

i couldnt understand its power and destructiveness entirely.

perhaps when you let your walls down, and daringly let your inner self out, you somehow wish you dont have to keep it back, after letting someone see the ugliness of it. but yet, not one relationship cant have you vulnerable.

who is it that you let into your vulnerability zone?

after layers and layers of masks, walls. the centre of it all is trust. its like, that person becomes a part of you when you let him/her in. and it will stay this way forever. even if you drift apart, a part of him/her still lives in you (like a horcrux), that part just stays there, stuck.

and you are then reminded of the memories and the past each time you revisit that certain part of you. but the time between each revisit becomes longer, and like a cocoon, that part gets buried deeper and deeper, until it is gone. but no, it is not entirely gone. it will forever be there, etched in your heart, part of that vulnerability zone, neither going forwards or backwards,

just stuck.

and overtime, there will be so many little cocoons around that you start to erect new walls, new masks, to tighten the 'security' around you, to allow lesser people in, because you've learnt your lesson. because you've learnt that people come, and people go, and you've got to know who will be the ones who will never leave. these are the ones worth letting into your vulnerability zone.

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I've drugged it in its sleep
There isn't many memories
I'm comfortable to keep

This ball keeps rolling on
It's heading for the streets
Keep expecting you to send for me
The invitation never comes

Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like
I'm up against a wall
But maybe it's a false alarm
Every answer sounds the same
Just colours bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me

Now the curtain's coming up
The audience is still
I'm struggling to cater for
The space I'm meant to fill

And distance doesn't care
No, distance doesn't care

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I drugged it in its sleep
Remember what you said
Are you comfortable to keep it?
Keep it


I've been replaying this song so much lately. False Alarm. I'm quite addicted to KT Tunstall these days, like what I said on twitter, she is like this hidden treasure in my ipod. sometimes i forget i have her in my ipod and decide to play her songs and fall in love with her songs all over again.


lots of things on my mind these days. but perhaps i'm just thinking too much as usual. caught in a box, trying to break free of its limitations, but finding the pressure and force outside too much to bear. ever feel so stuck at where you are? its not helplessness, it is just purely... stuck. as if your feet got caught in a huge pool of sticky mud and you just cant carry on walking because the mud refuses to let you go.

trying to live up to expectations, but trying to keep the balance in myself at the same time. its a tough thing really, this balance thing. i guess that's how fallen our minds are, that we cant help but be negative. and it takes sheer willpower and strength to get you out of the situation.

when situations seem impossible, that's when faith comes to work.
if things are going well, why do you even need faith for?

omg. as i was reading my past entries... i have soooo many grammar mistakes.. (horror face)

sigh. i hereby apologise.

my Cness is inconsistent, gotta be more careful in spelling and grammar next time! :(

if there's one thing in this world that i can spend the rest of my life doing, it would be reading. nothing charges me more than a good read, and the satisfaction you get from a book. so... i'm trying to conquer time's top 100 novels since 1923. some pretty interesting titles there, but i may cross-reference with NY Time's.

'

Am currently reading: The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers.

i love love love love the title. it caught my attention straightaway. currently 1/4 into the book! the book started off with an introduction of the author with the timeline of her life. i was so blown away! Carson ought to win some award for her resilience and her passion for writing. though she was stricken with illnesses, she kept overcoming and wrote book after book. that really motivated me to finish this book. she wrote this book when she was a mere 23!

finished this book not long ago. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

Honestly, i am somewhat attracted to books that talk about psychology. i think all of our minds are so full of hidden potential, good or bad, that has the power to destroy or create. its a scary thought, but i believe that everything starts with the mind, whether unknowingly or knowingly.

it was quite a depressing read, in a sense that this is a semi-autobiography of Plath, and she actually committed suicide one month after publishing this book. and you kind of relate to the ups and downs Esther the protagonist went through in the book. but some events were so bizarre that you kind of wonder what really happened to lead her behaving in that way.

i really like the analogy of using a bell jar to compare with Esther's life. it is refreshing, and the image stays in your head.

--------------------------------------------

some thoughts:

coming from a dysfunctional family, i've always thought that the traits of a person can always be traced back to his/her childhood. how a person grows up can influence him/her so much in the future, indirectly. and it will even become inner scars that need much healing next time.

however, i've contemplated with the idea that, a proper growing up environment can also drive a person to an extreme end too, in a sense that its 'safe' and 'prim'. i believe its an instilled will in each of us, to become something, to be a somebody. so the lack of life experiences, can drive one mad too, whether expressed out or not.

because at any one point of time, one will realise that he/she can't be fully satisfied with life itself. life itself cant satisfy the enormous willpower we humans possess. there is something in us that keeps searching, for something more. more often than not, we do not know what exactly are we searching for.

thus for some, life goes on without a purpose and frustration builds up in them and they do not know why. such is life.

anyhow, i think i will start to update my blog more frequently now. because i've come to realise i can't express everything i want to say in 140 characters. you can say i have bad summary skills. haha. my endings are always so abrupt when i've exhausted what i wanted to say. hahaa.

who am i?

this question is so simple yet profound.

we are unique and born in our own unique way, but people do change right? so when they change, do they change who they are too? and when they change, is it always the case that they must return to who they were to be happy? or is it possible that people change, and they change who they are, and they are truly happy?

you hear people say all the time, time to find myself back. how do you know if you've found yourself? what exactly make up the 'you'?

so is it true that when people mess up their lives, gone all haywire, and when they realise their mistakes, they are able to go back to who they were?

it's as if each of us has got our own inextricable set of 'me' in us intertwined with our own core, that is indissoluble. and even as we are eroded, worn out by the things of life, it seems like this core in us will always be calling us, to go back, to eradicate those things which are not doing us good, to come back to the point where we feel refreshed, and 'me' once again.

even as we grow up, we are supposed to understand ourselves more. but it seems like we get so easily lost in the 100001 things around us. and we are sometimes so entangled with the things of life we wonder, how is it possible to be grown up but yet lose control of our lives? and as we sink deeper and want to crawl out of that sinking hole, we are also often being pulled back by the chains of the world, and problems that we ourselves created, only to realise everything is our own doing. that we've neglected the 'me' in us.

and here's hoping you who are reading this, to never lose yourself. and if you already have, to just listen to that voice in your heart, because in all your life, this is the only voice which won't lead you astray.

on the topic of 'friends' recently. i think as i age, i tend to 'test' and 'observe' someone alot, before allowing him/her into my life. and i've learnt to identify certain personalties and characteristics. have learnt, sometimes thru the hard way, how to choose my friends wisely.

even as we grow up, friends arent a general term as 'friends' anymore. sad but true, they are separated and differentiated to the different levels of closeness to us. and there will be times when we are forced to make a decision to draw away from people who are 'hindering' us in a way. it is all part of growing up and it is inevitable.

sometimes i think to myself, is it really that necessary? there were so many times i doubted my own decisions. but time and time again, i proved myself to be right. sometimes it was painful.. but at the end of the day, i'm glad i did.

'friends' used to be a general term for me. anyone and everyone are my friends. until recently when i really thought through, and learnt to identify the ones who are truly closest to my heart.

i want friends who truly know my heart, who are sincere and genuine. who are there not to just share with the good times, but the extremely bad times as well (which more often than not, needs much sensitivity). yes it sounds simple, but if you take time out to really think through, you are only left with a few...

Some common compulsions:

-counting specific things (such as footsteps) or in specific ways (by intervals of two)

-doing other repetitive actions, often with sensitivity to numbers or patterns

-repeatedly wash their hands

-clear their throats

-make sure certain items are in a straight line

-touch objects a certain number of times before exiting a room

-walk in a certain routine way

-routine for using stairs and always finishing a flight on the same foot

when i saw these on wiki, i laughed out loud. because i'm guilty of quite a few! and there was a period of time i suffered so much from it when i was young, probably in secondary school, and i didnt realise i had OCD. and i didnt know what was happening to me because these things tortured my mind so much but i knew it wasnt rational, but i just NEEDED to do it.

like if i tapped something once, i cant just tap it once, i NEED to tap it to an even number. or i will feel SUPER uneasy and as if something bad will happen if i dont tap it to an even number. (this still happens to me)

if i snapped my right fingers, i NEED to snap my left fingers twice, to 'even' things out.

and when i'm outside, i will subconsciously count alot of things in front of me, notice the patterns, numbers, to give me an ease of mind.

and you know why i dont really like wearing necklaces? cos i'll be VERY conscious of how many times my necklace touched me, and i will start counting, and if its not an even number i'll get very uneasy and i'll wait for it to touch me another time, then i'll just hold it in my hands. hahahaha. weird right!!!

and yes there would be certain things that i MUST see them aligned in a straight line too, or i cant really concentrate on anything else.

so funny hor! i think every other person has OCD of their own in small minor ways? i think its so interesting how all these small small things play with our minds, but its not even rational.

but in any way, i think i'm quite an irrational person also. i'm good with maths, but im irrational when it comes to feelings and emotions.

so interesting how God wired us up. and i know of all people, lam and huiying will understand my this post. lol.

as i was floating through life these few weeks (floating is more apt for my situation), there was quite a turmoil going on on the inside of me. i was kind of in a half-reality, half-fantasy world. where i was able to talk myself in being pessimistic and optimistic at the same time. it was a very strange feeling. i guess it was struggling between two sides, two very extreme sides.

one side of me, felt that hope and everything lovey dovey, was perverse. there wasnt such a thing in the world. i allowed myself to become so cynical about everything good. ever felt like this before? and its so hard to talk yourself out of it, because the negativity just washes over the positivity. it came to a point when i was disgusted even, by anything good, that happened maybe to me or people around me. i became critical even, voicing out my thoughts in my heart.

another side of me, believed theres a reason that i'm going through everything that i am going through. where that small spark of faith still stood. where somehow, i gathered the strength to continue doing what i was supposed to do, and somehow, still able to find some sort of meaning to it (i hate doing things without knowing the reason behind them).

i was like a fish caught in a net, struggling hard to find a way out, but yet, knowing deep down it is impossible to do so. just fighting a losing battle. but yet, i still fought.

yet now, i think i'm losing the battle. but i am half relieved i am losing this battle. on the other hand, still fighting hard against reality without really knowing why. wanting to surrender...

much delayed post.

Lushan 庐山:

i havent been to a true hill before, so i was very much amazed. it was an amazing experience. the sight was amazing, breathtaking. makes you wonder, how impressively creative our God is. such huge hills, deep valleys etc.

but on the downside, i havent been more tired, climbing stairs after stairs after stairs. it was crazy. honestly. i cant even describe the tiredness of it all. but it was made better and more fun by my awesome classmates.

and btw, how awesome is that quote on the rock? it was rooted in the middle of a random pathway, and i thought it is very beautifully written!

Beijing:

we had a hell of a trip! it was so so packed we didnt have time to shop. my agenda was of course, H&M. but there wasnt much time for us. so we had to break rules (thankfully we werent caught), and went out way after curfew. it was such a memorable experience i think i will never forget.

but anyhow, i hate tour groups. so you can imagine my unwillingness in alot of places. (and all of them we've been to when we went on our sec 2 trip to BJ) but still, it was a nice experience. going places after places, seeing all the historical events that happened in that place, makes you really wonder. left me pretty much amazed at that kind of history that china have.

Wuhan:

i've blogged about my opinion on that city before so i wont continue. but i miss that place in a weird sense of way. how peaceful and uninterrupted life was then. waking up for classes, going for lunches together with classmates, living on our own, making decisions, exploring places we havent been to...

i had alot of 'me' time in a sense. no one to order me about, no one to tell me what to do, but everything was what i wanted to do. i had my own phases of awful time there, when i was an emotional wreck and just wanted to fly back home. but if you would ask me again, i wouldnt mind going through it again, its such a golden experience, to be able to leave the comfort zone of Singapore and be able to experience something wholly different.

of course, my first time with snow! had such a fab time playing with snow there. it was cold, but it was fun! and oh, i miss wearing boots seriously. though very ma fan.

and of course, the cheap food and clothes there. not even going into this... :(

and all the bonding time we had together with all my classmates. cooking, watching movies, gossiping (oops).

i wouldnt choose another bunch of people to go with, they are such AWESOME people! each of them are so individually special in their own ways and it warms my heart so much. i love each of them! :)

if you ask me, did i learn to be more independent, i would say no.

because right now, i am just the same as before i left.

but i did learn how to be alone, and how to be away. how to keep emotions in check, how to keep going when it seems impossible to. trust me, there were so many nights i wanted to just literally die or something, it was that tough for me.

but yeah. all's over.

i dont know if i would challenge myself to abandon everything in this manner and leave for a long period of time again, but i think i may.

it is when thrown into deep sea and not knowing how to swim, is when you will really wake up and fend and struggle for yourself.

what a disturbing analogy, but i find it true. :)

-stolen from jx's blog.

what an impactful quote.

been pondering this topic as of late, the topic of friends.

what is its definition, who they are, what are they supposed to do etc. but most importantly, my take on them. while reflecting that day, and thinking about all the different friends i've got, i cant help but realise, how each of us has grown into our skin, separately, but somehow bounded together by this 'friends' word.

if you ask me, friends is a very diverse word. it can mean so many things on so many different levels. anyone and anything can be 'friends' with you. but on a closer proximity, how do i really feel?

what if there are things that you dont agree with?

and what if there are things you wish havent changed?

and what if things just stayed the same as it was, how would things be different now?

was reconsidering alot of things. which left me pretty much confused as to what i want. sometimes the more 'grown up' you are, your mind tends to be more messed up.

but i ended with one conclusion in mind, that time will tell.

and time will tell too, if that quote stands.