hello.

Hi, i HAVE TO get this out of my system before i sleep. or i'll sleep without peace.

it PISSES me off when girls support teams and watch WC because of guys. and go all 'ahhh torres coming on now! villa!' etc etc. and scream/shout for them JUST COS THEY LOOK GOOD. in actual fact, they DONT EVEN KNOW anything about the players at all.

granted, i've backslided from my first love for a few months now. but i think i've got enough soccer experience to have a right to feel pissed. because it is SO superficial and just trying to look cool/sound cool watching soccer and all. URGH.

but then again, first match i've watched since i moved here. and i must say i still love the intensity of the game, and the emotions. the tactics, the players, the team, the unity. soccer has NEVER BEEN about a cute guy/a couple of nice looking chaps. it HAS ALWAYS BEEN a team, strategies, etc. and i dont know why but i feel very cheapened when i see girls just kinda... anyhow support, watch WC cos of guys etc.

i think i'm being very lol and ridiculous here but it really gets to me. i even msged eugene ang in the middle of the match to complain and he even agreed with me. lol!

just cos you watch soccer for WC doesnt make you cool!

pfffftttt okay. i let out the angsty side of me alr.
looking forward to new season!!
liverpool is where my heart really belongs <3 (lemme do this for once)

guess i am not much of a 'country' supporter to start with, thus i didnt get involved in all the hooha. my first ever team that i supported was Brazil in 2002. but after that, i couldnt find a reason to anymore. and... i've always been a Gerrard thus England kinda girl. but hmmm... i am just a Liverpool kinda girl after all. LOL.

每当我感到一点感性的时候，我最想用中文来表达。
承认，自己的水准不好。但是它是一个让我感到最亲切的语言。

（在读下去之前，一句话：请不要这么快下判断。）

最近总觉得迷失了自己。在茫茫人海中，找不到自己存在的意义。突然感到，成长是多么累人的事。不是说自己任性不想长大，但是发现自己越大，更不了解自己。成长的路上，自己内心的挣扎和疑问，那么的复杂...很多时候都不知该用什么话来形容自己的感受和心情。

你可以说，其实婷婷一向来都不善于表达。
我现在最想最想的事，就是回到最初点。
回到没有包袱，没有担忧，没有任何别人对自己的期望的最初点。
回到真正的自己... 回到不必理别人怎么摆布你... 回到不必理任何规则、不必去想别人会怎么看待自己... 回到不需要对任何人交代，只需要对自己坦白... 回到...

总觉得自己的一面，和自己另外一面一直不停地拉扯。
一面，是‘我应该...’的那一面。
另一面，是‘我应该...’的相反。
一面不断地提醒自己正确的方式应该这样。我这么想是错误的，我这么做是不对的...
另一面，就是非常疲倦的那一面。很想很想把另一面撕破，不想照着任何规矩生活。不想听别人怎么说我的人生应该怎么样活。它知道别人会怎么想、会怎么看。但是它不想理会，它只想逃避生命的一切‘应该’。

如果我累了，我应该 －－－
现在20岁了，我应该 －－－
长大了，应该 －－－
事情不应该这样解决，应该 －－－
这样子错了！你应该 －－－
快要毕业了，未来怎么样？应该 －－－
看你到了这种程度，应该 －－－ ，做这个，做那个。

总觉得在每一个地方，都有一定的‘框框’限定我们。
一种人们认为‘对’的方式，来定游戏规则。
如有人犯规，马上有一大堆的人批评，指责。替这个人‘玩’。
在他背后，说他哪一个地方出错了牌，他应该怎么样，怎么样。
一脸不满，一脸自认为会玩得更好的表情。

那么，有没有人试着把自己化身为受害者想想和体会？
这世界有那么多的规则和不是了，是不是责骂、指责，就会比较好过些？


一切的一切...
我不知道自己在找什么，我不知道自己要证明什么。

我只知道，自己最后从心底真正开心的一次，不知有多久以前。

我只想真的快乐...


自己复杂的心情，有时连自己都...不明白。


dont judge me.
dont even try to understand when you dont.

J resigned today. Y is going to, tmr. so far, i've witnessed 9 people leaving. had alot of feelings and thoughts abt the whole thing, but it kinda got lost somewhere. there are... 6 more weeks left. and these 5 months seem like the hardest going ever in my life. i've never met anyone like this in my life, other than my dad. but that was entirely different. was just kinda reflecting on the whole thing.

realised that sometimes, even when you gave your best, it doesnt mean that it'll be appreciated and often it goes unnoticed. i've got so many awesome leaders over me in church, that for a period of time, i couldnt comprehend how can anyone really be that mean outside church. maybe i've always been in a sheltered, encouraging place, so when placed in such a negative environment, i had alot of problems and issues at first.

what i was super discouraged about at first, was that i felt i wasnt being really recognized for who i am, what i am good at. and that sucks. being deemed as this impossible and 没有用 person, it wasnt exactly the most flattering place to go to everyday.

but after taking time to reflect and think through, the existence of such people in my life is necessary. it is precisely these kinda people in your life that sifts the good out in you. it has the opposite effect, it brings out much positivity than negativity.

i asked J a few days ago, so what have you learned while working here. she answered, she learnt how to obey and submit, even when she really dont want to. and i was quite impressed.

to others, it may seem foolish to obey and submit to someone such as this. the normal reaction would be, to talk back, argue back, fight. but if you were to think more, it produces much patience in you. and just like what another colleague said, 'you learn how to be bullet-proof'.

even at the end of the day, i think the greatest lesson i've learnt is that my life and abilities are not defined by what others may think or say. i know what i am good at, and i'm proud of it. if you have this absolute confidence in you, nothing can get you down. so i'm at peace, i'm totally fine, and i will endure for these 6 weeks.

just like what my ex-colleague said, i may not learn anything while i am here, but at least i learnt what NOT to do.


sometimes, the greatest naysayer may be your greatest encourager.

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i would so totally do this for my wedding! releasing red heart balloons into the sky! such a happy and beautiful and memorable way to celebrate it!



i think one of my weaknesses is the inability to make a decision. when making decisions, i am sometimes so indecisive that i cant stand myself. and i do get frustrated with myself for being like that too cos i hate indecisiveness, but ironically, i am one. i think i got better over the years, i used to be much worst. working on it :)

hi... just thought of updating this little humble space of mine.

just suddenly dawned upon me the xxx amount of money i start spending on skincare/cosmetics. adding clothes, i spent xxx in recent months too. and add the occasional nail polish splurge, xx is gone too. whenever i walk pass craft shops, i'll tend to spend xx on them too.

adding them all up, i'm just kinda overwhelmed how high my expenses are going. being a woman is really no cheap stuff.


on a side note, really sad all the shows are going for their summer break now. :( no more things to look forward to on tues/wed. only left last episode of glee!


just painted my nails a mushroomy colour. cant decide how do i feel abt them now, let me live with it for a day first. haha. but this is a colour i have been pinning on since forever so i'm happy! only left with grey, and i would be a happy girl (but not satisfied i think). hahaha.

feeling so !!!!!! and i need a place to rant. seriously whats up with her?! another person with big communication problem and yet always sees it as other people's fault. ya la always us interns fault. spent the whole day searching and doing ur storyboard, end up totally not what u want. um, at the beginning when u saw us doing, u could have just explained one by one what u are looking for right? isnt this wasting time by redoing the whole thing? i really find it so unnecessary and i think it just boils down to poor communication. and its so even more frustrating when theres nothing i can do about it. and having to see all your black faces and being pissed off when actually i didnt even do anything wrong. i just find it really ridiculous how you direct your anger and you get so upset over matters like these. i know who i am and i know what i'm good at. but you make me totally feel so lousy sometimes. please know what you exactly want, and please communicate to your employees exactly. and please LISTEN to your employees! or else unnecessary work needs to be done and i really find it very frustrating cos i was really looking forward to the weekends and having a good rest finally but i need to stay up to do all these. i havent been sleeping well since AC and i kinda need it alot. just being all pmsy and grumpy here. argh. shall do what i could have done this AFTERNOON now! ARGH! all of you reading please be a NICE and UNDERSTANDING boss next time!!!

just wanna blog this out before i zonk out. my pre-AC feelings.

it was a very mixed feeling to be honest. and really seeing all the backstage people slogging so hard before AC preparing the 1001 million things is really an eye-opener. people still working hard beyond 1/2/3am that sort. grateful that once again i am able to serve, but this time kinda feeling a little bit worn out even before the whole thing begins. i guess there is a reason for 'one week' instead of 'three days' because tonight i can definitely feel the after effects of it finally. just pray that i'll have enough energy and all to last me thru these 5 days. i need the concentration and the sharpness. maybe because i attended rehearsals these two days, so the excitement kinda wore off. but i guess when the real thing starts there would be. and seriously, it is so amazing to see the kinda sacrifices people make for this AC. all the different departments, ministries etc. there isnt one who didnt put in any hard work for this AC. i love backstage.

so hello to early calltimes, late nights home again. plus all the cabs. and waking-up-at-5ams.

it is gonna be good cos lots of people worked so so hard for this.
it is gonna be good cos well, its AC!

need lots of grace!

okay only left 3.5h left to sleep!

it was a really surreal experience on thurs. realised everything had to happen 'in spite of'. no matter how scared/anxious i am, things still have to go on.

probably it is very hard for anyone to understand, but i have had lots of mixed feelings these couple of days. 'what ifs' and fears, mixed with lots of other stuff. got me quite messed up that i needed to distract myself today, by.. guess what? painting my nails and doing random stuff like making a tissue flower.

feeling of aloneness is pretty evident esp today. so i kinda slept it all away. helps when the painkillers do have drowsiness effects. scared for the week to come, if you were to ask me. but.. hope for the better yeah?

only good thing about being 'sick' is that somehow, you have the rights to demand anything. today i just randomly smsed my mum to tell her that i'm craving for spaghetti and asked if shes cooking tonight. she replied, 'be home at 6'. and voila! came home with all the sauces and she whipped up such a big bowl of spaghetti with all my fave mushrooms and egg and tomatoes. it was yummy. felt x1000 better instantly.



gonna try to take a bath now. wish me luck.

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perfect for weather like this. raining, me snugly in bed. BUT not sleeping. i am doing my report and explains why i'm awake at this ungodly hour. havent been up this late since 10238432 years ago.

i wanted to post these pics for the longest of time that i dont even remember where did i find all these pictures.

listened to her new song, listening to her old songs. there is just this deep admiration for her. i relate to her so much. if i can choose who i want to be, i would probably choose to be her. (not that it makes any sense, but you get me.) she just... inspires me..


and maybe thats the beauty of chinese. the use of words, the impression it leaves behind. the impact the words can make. the irony that i'm saying and blogging all these in english.

and.. there is just something about her voice.. how it pierces through to your innermost and resonates. and there is something so tender about a girl, singing and playing a guitar, just doing what she loves. and she is always so humble and shy!

all these aside, she does have the perfectest hair.

i just adore and love her so much.




PS. i think i am a blessed girl. i have so many people to look up to in some many areas and on so many levels. :)