hello.

you know how in the movies, once this person finds his/her dream and passion, this greater purpose, how he/she forsakes everything else for that purpose?

just suddenly, everything else seems not as important, and everything falls away, and this something in you click, that jigsaw falls into place, and you finally understand.

and theres no turning back when you've been called. i'd gladly answer and give my everything.

have i mentioned how much i adore this tv series?

just finished last week's episode.. and i love how relatable each character is. that at the end of the day... you watch the show and you just feel like you are part of them.. the feelings are so.. raw.

no matter what we go through in life, there is one thing that keeps us going back or going in circles - love. In the family, between spouses, between ex-husbands, brothers and sisters, colleagues.

And love is the superglue that keeps each character in their own place, how they struggle and triumph, with love. and at the end of the day, you watch their lives unfold before you and you cant help feeling overwhelmed, because love is powerful, and transferrable from a person to next.

i just love parenthood :)

official second week of work but i've already made mistakes here and there. and some big/small. nua as i am, i am someone who REALLY dislikes and cringes at mistakes made. especially when it has got something to do with my work. i take pride in my work and i always ensure i've done my best. that every single detail is taken care of. thus when i overlook something, i kinda really blame myself for it.

but well, no one is perfect. i'm still learning as well. though i still hate the fact that i have to make mistakes. is it really that hard to not make mistakes? i don't ever want to make mistakes... i am a perfectionist when it comes to work. i want things to be perfect and smooth, knowing i've done my part well.

and... i think its important to put yourself into another's shoes. you will just get what the person is feeling. and you'll understand that hey, we are all equal, we are all human beings after all.

i've learnt to be more understanding, to be wiser, to be sharper, to multitask, to be more excellent in my job these two weeks. and by the grace of God, i want to be more than i am now. growing bit by bit. one day, i will get there.

hi, nice way to keep my blog 'updated' huh. after a month. haha.

blogged out a blog post in my mind while bathing today. i had the misfortune of meeting two boys at Tampines MRT station, and they looked pretty decent and honest. but once they started opening their mouths, i was shocked and honestly quite disgusted by the language they use. every sentence is punctuated with vulgarity. and of different sorts.

and that got me thinking. why is it that youths nowadays loveeee to color their languages in profanities? language is such a beautiful thing to learn, and i think we really need to teach them how to speak properly and carry themselves. i've always admired people who carried themselves well, speak well, and care about grammar. it's like a bonus if i ever discover someone who writes well, and takes the effort to use good English too.

i'm not saying it's not okay to speak Singlish. i will be the first to admit that i LOVE Singlish (but without those vulgarities). I think it gives Singaporeans such a unique identity that you won't find elsewhere. but i think we can master the art of Singlish and speaking good English at the same time. i don't think it should be at the expense of us compromising our language standards. there is just so much charm in a person who can speak well, and write well too.

i think it's something that is so lacking in youths these days. because it is so much easier to rant it out without thinking, be all angsty about things and not care, than learning tolerance and endurance.

even in tweets, i think it matters a lot if people take the effort to reread it and correct their English before posting. it'll make the world a better place. but of course, i'm not perfect either. i'm learning about grammar all the time.

maybe i have a secret ambition of being a grammar guru. like, know all the rules to the T. that would be cool huh. what a noble ambition it is.

okay how did i get from vulgarities to grammar. see, i'm a grammar freak at heart. i google everything before posting anything if i'm not sure. and if i do make a mistake, i'll edit it in an instant cos i'll be so ashamed of it. if it's twitter, i'll bomb a whole chunk of tweets just to 'drown' that tweet away. hurhur.

PS, my sis corrected me on this. did you know that we've all been using 'lesser' wrongly? cos there is no such word as 'morer', so we don't say:

I want lesser sugar.

People want to spend lesser time waiting these days.

I listen to lesser music when I'm traveling.

it should be:

I want less sugar.

People want to spend less time waiting these days.

I listen to less music when I'm traveling.

lesser should be used in describing something of less importance or rank or not so great. in the context that, "He was convicted of a lesser assault charge."

it was a revelation to me. haha. we learn new things everyday.

PPS. so being cek ark about grammar will attract cek ark people correcting your own too. yes being human... we all make mistakes... hahaha. i've edited the post Julian.

sooo... a friend asked me today, what is my talent. i honestly didn't know what to reply. is it a weird thing that i dont know what is my talent? i mean... i know what i'm good at, what i can do. but do they count as talents? i thought talent is something you are naturally good at?

that is why i often envy those whose talents are obvious. they are so blessed! even though i know God is not biased and that we all have our own talents, but i cant help but wonder sometimes, how do we know? what is my talent?

i guess... i'm good at doing slides? (actually this is trained. is that counted as one? and i dont think i am extremely good either, i just kinda know what works.)

i guess... i'm good at dressing? (this comes with age as well. and honestly, i think i look like crap on most days... hmmm.)

and everything else is a big question mark, to me. or am i so used to everything that i dont realise what i'm good at? is it REALLY that important to know what are you good at? i mean... i do know what is in my capabilities and what is not. so i do things accordingly. does knowing what i can do = talent?

if i were picking my own talents like playing the Sims, i would have a hard time deciding, cos i want EVERYTHING. how cool is it to be a really charismatic person and a captivating speaker? how cool is it to be able to write so well people get lost in your words? how cool is it to be so musically talented that people stand in awe of your voice and skills? how cool is it to be such a good chef that you can cook up something without needing recipes? how cool is it to be such a creative person, that there are no limits to anything and you can create something out of nothingness?

i guess i am still journeying to discover myself. in a sense, it is not a bad thing. cos it keeps me on the toes and not trust in my own abilities but in God. just like leading praise in CG, honestly, i sucked. but hey, that is why i need to pray beforehand that EVEN THOUGH i suck, God still can use me to bless others. even if i become a laughing stock, it is to the glory of God.

reminded of a quote that i posted before:

just one of those nights...

when you want to hide in a corner,

hide under your blanket,

feeling a kind of emptiness,

blankness...

void.

"The hole is no void; the void exists around it."

i believe i have shared this video before. each time i listen to this song, i fall in love all over again. it has such beautiful lyrics, beautiful melody, and meaning.

我会相信一切有尽头 相聚离开都有时候 没有什么会永垂不朽 可是我有时候 宁愿选择留恋不放手 等到风景都看透 也许你会陪我看细水长流

this afternoon, replaying all the chinese songs in my itunes. love how the lyrics speak and come to life. 

<3 the beauty of chinese. there is something so simple, so subtle, yet it speaks so strongly. doesnt need to speak out, "i miss you", but you can still totally feel the pain and the 想念.

i think this word is huge.

i couldnt understand its power and destructiveness entirely.

perhaps when you let your walls down, and daringly let your inner self out, you somehow wish you dont have to keep it back, after letting someone see the ugliness of it. but yet, not one relationship cant have you vulnerable.

who is it that you let into your vulnerability zone?

after layers and layers of masks, walls. the centre of it all is trust. its like, that person becomes a part of you when you let him/her in. and it will stay this way forever. even if you drift apart, a part of him/her still lives in you (like a horcrux), that part just stays there, stuck.

and you are then reminded of the memories and the past each time you revisit that certain part of you. but the time between each revisit becomes longer, and like a cocoon, that part gets buried deeper and deeper, until it is gone. but no, it is not entirely gone. it will forever be there, etched in your heart, part of that vulnerability zone, neither going forwards or backwards,

just stuck.

and overtime, there will be so many little cocoons around that you start to erect new walls, new masks, to tighten the 'security' around you, to allow lesser people in, because you've learnt your lesson. because you've learnt that people come, and people go, and you've got to know who will be the ones who will never leave. these are the ones worth letting into your vulnerability zone.

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I've drugged it in its sleep
There isn't many memories
I'm comfortable to keep

This ball keeps rolling on
It's heading for the streets
Keep expecting you to send for me
The invitation never comes

Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like
I'm up against a wall
But maybe it's a false alarm
Every answer sounds the same
Just colours bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me

Now the curtain's coming up
The audience is still
I'm struggling to cater for
The space I'm meant to fill

And distance doesn't care
No, distance doesn't care

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I drugged it in its sleep
Remember what you said
Are you comfortable to keep it?
Keep it


I've been replaying this song so much lately. False Alarm. I'm quite addicted to KT Tunstall these days, like what I said on twitter, she is like this hidden treasure in my ipod. sometimes i forget i have her in my ipod and decide to play her songs and fall in love with her songs all over again.


lots of things on my mind these days. but perhaps i'm just thinking too much as usual. caught in a box, trying to break free of its limitations, but finding the pressure and force outside too much to bear. ever feel so stuck at where you are? its not helplessness, it is just purely... stuck. as if your feet got caught in a huge pool of sticky mud and you just cant carry on walking because the mud refuses to let you go.

trying to live up to expectations, but trying to keep the balance in myself at the same time. its a tough thing really, this balance thing. i guess that's how fallen our minds are, that we cant help but be negative. and it takes sheer willpower and strength to get you out of the situation.

when situations seem impossible, that's when faith comes to work.
if things are going well, why do you even need faith for?

omg. as i was reading my past entries... i have soooo many grammar mistakes.. (horror face)

sigh. i hereby apologise.

my Cness is inconsistent, gotta be more careful in spelling and grammar next time! :(

if there's one thing in this world that i can spend the rest of my life doing, it would be reading. nothing charges me more than a good read, and the satisfaction you get from a book. so... i'm trying to conquer time's top 100 novels since 1923. some pretty interesting titles there, but i may cross-reference with NY Time's.

'

Am currently reading: The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers.

i love love love love the title. it caught my attention straightaway. currently 1/4 into the book! the book started off with an introduction of the author with the timeline of her life. i was so blown away! Carson ought to win some award for her resilience and her passion for writing. though she was stricken with illnesses, she kept overcoming and wrote book after book. that really motivated me to finish this book. she wrote this book when she was a mere 23!

finished this book not long ago. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

Honestly, i am somewhat attracted to books that talk about psychology. i think all of our minds are so full of hidden potential, good or bad, that has the power to destroy or create. its a scary thought, but i believe that everything starts with the mind, whether unknowingly or knowingly.

it was quite a depressing read, in a sense that this is a semi-autobiography of Plath, and she actually committed suicide one month after publishing this book. and you kind of relate to the ups and downs Esther the protagonist went through in the book. but some events were so bizarre that you kind of wonder what really happened to lead her behaving in that way.

i really like the analogy of using a bell jar to compare with Esther's life. it is refreshing, and the image stays in your head.

--------------------------------------------

some thoughts:

coming from a dysfunctional family, i've always thought that the traits of a person can always be traced back to his/her childhood. how a person grows up can influence him/her so much in the future, indirectly. and it will even become inner scars that need much healing next time.

however, i've contemplated with the idea that, a proper growing up environment can also drive a person to an extreme end too, in a sense that its 'safe' and 'prim'. i believe its an instilled will in each of us, to become something, to be a somebody. so the lack of life experiences, can drive one mad too, whether expressed out or not.

because at any one point of time, one will realise that he/she can't be fully satisfied with life itself. life itself cant satisfy the enormous willpower we humans possess. there is something in us that keeps searching, for something more. more often than not, we do not know what exactly are we searching for.

thus for some, life goes on without a purpose and frustration builds up in them and they do not know why. such is life.

anyhow, i think i will start to update my blog more frequently now. because i've come to realise i can't express everything i want to say in 140 characters. you can say i have bad summary skills. haha. my endings are always so abrupt when i've exhausted what i wanted to say. hahaa.