i entered a really weird and undescribable phase of my life.


have been watching awe-inspiring movies about how women and girls weather the storms of life and truly becoming who they are.


the question is, why is it so important to know who we are?
will knowing who we are, promise us a better future?
or being true to yourself, will it promise a storm-less future?


and not mentioning the number of inner struggles one has to go through, to 'arrive there'.


question is, is there truly a perfect place for us to 'arrive'?
it seems and feels as if... once we've struggled and clawed through a series of things, and thought we've learnt enough, there comes another series of struggles, to push us further.
no.. theres no perfect place for us to 'arrive'.


what seems to be picture perfect may not always be the case.


and in life, ALL of our hearts, harbour our deepest fears.
and in our lives, ALL of us must learn to deal with our fears.


cynical as i can be, i've never believed in this word 'fearless'.
at best, we are all operating in spite of our fears.

but what happens when the fears become overpowering? when everyday, you seem to be this tiny little voice shouting 'i can do it', while your fears threaten to shake even that little belief that you still have.


and what about disappointments?

i've always had a hole in my heart. something that no matter what happens, will always remain there. a hole that my earthly father left in me.

thank God for His love, or i'll never be able to step out of this. but the truth is it will be something that will be stuck in me forever.


and i've learnt to deal with my disappointments.


but who knows? this 'disappointment' word comes in all sorts of shape and weight. you never seem to get around it.



i used to be this really cheery and 'everything will be okay' kinda girl. it is good, absolutely. but it didnt prepare me for all the stuff that are going to happen.


i've learnt that sometimes, you have to go through sunshineless days, go through absolutely painful and hurtful times in life.
days when 'everything will be okay' sounds like a fairytale.
days when the whole world doesnt understand and is screaming and expecting you to just get up on your feet, and you just simply cant.
days when you feel utterly lonely and helpless, and you just dont know how.


and some people may just deem you as 'faithless', or behaving immaturely, or being emotional.


these are some of the things that i have been thinking. looong entry. and thoughts all over the place.
but if you've gone through it, you'll definitely know what i'm talking about.


dont worry, i am not becoming pessimistic about life, all these are absolutely necessary, to pull me to the correct direction.
in anything, i still do have that optimistic side of me inside.


at the end of the day, it is my life, Your song.
and it is the end of me, that is the beginning of You.