People often quote, we should make full use of everyday and live to be the happiest. 
But it's so real that not everyday is meant to be the happiest.
If we were only meant to be happy everyday, why would we need other emotions? 

I would say we should live the fullest everyday.
Embrace each day's events in every emotion presented.
Sad, angry, hurt, happy...
When we feel sad, allow ourselves to feel the full weight of sadness. 
When we are angry, to question ourselves why do we feel anger and come to terms with it. 
When we are hurt, accept the fact, feel it, and let it heal. 
When we are happy, remember that it doesn't happen everyday and remember that moment. 

人生无常，我们可以体验的，就应该彻底地体验。

Blessing in disguise

我已经好久好久不让自己沉溺于慢歌里

不过最近发现，其实应该OK了

比较成熟了、比较懂事了

一切都有始有终，深切地明白了
最能依靠、永不变的只有祢

领悟了这一切，其实也是福. 

5.

So many people have asked if I'm okay, and if I'm better.

I guess I am? But I still do feel it... sometimes. But thinking back on how much I've grown and how much happier I've become since it happened, I guess I came a long way.

I literally cringed last night when I thought of the many nights I spent in tears... And I do not wish to go back to those days. I am happy being where and who I am now... Contented. 

But yet I am also human... My heart still jump at every mention of his name, photo, online or offline. Am I completely over it?

Who knows? How can I know when am I exactly over it?
It isn't exactly very long ago, yet it is still quite some time ago.

Sometimes questions still swim in my mind... But I choose to believe in Him. I really do. I think this has made me see a lot of things clearer, about myself and about relationships.

Being honestly raw, I think I might have lost some faith in relationships. As of now... I am just a little bit afraid. So... I'm comfortable at where I am now. 

But of course... God I'm willing to be shaped through this process... into someone much better, stronger and wiser.

复.

有时候会顿时忘了

但突然想起时，又会重新感受那忧伤


我现在可能真的不是真正快乐，

时间会冲淡一切吧？但愿时间对我友善点，让我尽快复原。

Some days are okay, some days are bearable,
some days I still crash, some days I still fail. 

Maybe the whole pain of it all is that it was so unexpected and unpredictable. And that makes it all the more harder to swallow. 

Probably the hardest thing is also, there is no shortcut through this. Just got to go through the whole emotional tidal wave, the whole tsunami of what-ifs, and pray that I will still be standing at the end of it all. I need time, yet time is also what makes it worse. 

Ironies of life. 

All these are real and new to me. The failings and imperfections of mankind. I never thought I would need to learn all these lessons anew. 

Yet... There is always a yet... Yet, Lord, make me wiser, more dependent on You. 
My prayer for this season. 

Day: End.

10 months ago, at this exact place.


I have many questions bogging my head. 
But at the end, it is a journey of acceptance and surrender.


It hurts because it mattered, because I gave my all, I tried my best.


Nights when I question Him, why?
I've accepted I wouldn't be getting my answer now.
Life is lived forwards but understood backwards.



And in the wise words of someone I respect a lot,
One day, your heart will heal, and God will make sense of it all.


I am waiting for that day... Surviving on pure Grace.

Day 8

And I'm beginning to gain a deeper understanding on: Be kind to one another, for everyone has their own battles to fight.

Sometimes, we think we know, but we REALLY don't. It's so different to have experienced something, and truly understand it deeper. 

It is one thing to read about something, think you understand a situation, but so different when you really understand what they are actually feeling through the incident. Life and relationships are so complicated, sometimes you really do not know what/how they are where they are, unless you are in their shoes. 

We all do need lots of grace in our lives... It's not easy.

Day 6.

So it has been quite a tormenting 2 weeks…

So much to say, think, feel, reflect, and change. So much to cry and dwell about too, so much courage needed to be bare, raw and honest, it’s not easy.


At the end of the day, when the cloud clears, I pray that we will still see the good. And the good has a lot to fight for, to work hard for. This is the lowest I/we can get, and I pray that we will pull through.

It's my deepest desire to live simply.

Day 1

“I know this much: that there is objective time, but also subjective time, the kind you wear on the inside of your wrist, next to where the pulse lies. And this personal time, which is the true time, is measured in your relationship to memory.” - Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending


Time doesn't have value in itself. It's the things that we associate it with - our feelings, thoughts, emotions, that in turn makes it into a memory. 

At the end of the day... We have nothing. Only these memories that stay with us. And the funny thing is, we humans CHOOSE those memories that we want to remember.

And I am still praying... the good will remain.

Day 0.

Cliche, but true: "Pain demands to be felt."

I think this has been a very trying year for me, that I juggle between being brave, brutally honest with myself, and facing my monsters.

There were days I don't think I'll have enough courage to face the world...

And... even as I feel like I've taken a faith leap into the unknown, I trust that You have my world in Your hands. I am safe...

Life is ironic. We lose what we hold the tightest. And life throws challenges at you to make you lose equilibrium, and you realize, what you held tightest, will hurt you instead.

GUARD.

A wise friend once told me, in order to go back to the beginning and 'undo' a relationship, is to force both sides to the extreme. like two sticks, if they were very intertwined before, and have to them force apart, you can't just undo them and expect them to stay apart, but you got to bend them to the very end to force a distance before it'll come back to being separate like how they started out.

I am a firm believer of that. I think distance is good sometimes. Before things get back to normal again, distance is very good.

I believe in every relationship we deposit a part of ourselves. And I've come to realize I'm such a relational person. I got to take extra care who I decide to let into my life. Because not everyone is here to stay.

Disciplining the body is hard. But disciplining the mind and emotion is harder, I feel. The bible says, GUARD your heart/mind/thought. It's so easy to let a seemingly subtle, harmless thought to come in, and that may just slowly eat away and destroy your heart/mind/thought. Meditating on things that are noble, true, positive is so so important.

Those were just some random thoughts that came into my mind...


I feel very 'unfeeling' recently, I feel like I've lost my drive. It's not as if anything bad happened, but precisely because nothing much is happening, it feels like I'm missing something. The drive to... drive on to a destination. I need something new...



one of those nights.

It's one of those nights that I feel deeply. 

I think God doesn't remove certain pains in our lives for a reason, He leaves it there, and we need to go through every single bit of pain it brings. 

Unbearable, but He made sure it makes us stronger. 
Unthinkable, but He made sure it brings us up another level.

Sometimes, there are just some roads you need to walk alone. These long, winding roads. Not on pavements but sometimes it seems that it's deep in the forest with no sure way out. It gets pretty lonely and pretty scary... when you look around in the dark and you don't see anything or anyone. And it may seem pretty unfair. It may seem that God has forgotten you. It may seem that you are on the losing end. 

I do wonder. Why does God deem some experiences necessary for our growth and for our good? Must we really learn life's lessons in such a way? When we are going through a hard time, doesn't it pain God more than the need for us to experience it? 

Time and time again, this is a raw nerve that is sensitive for anyone to touch. And somehow I think that God made me in such a way. That it will always stay as a raw nerve as long as I live. Because this is the only part of me that feels in this way. 

I'm naive... I still do believe that God restores in His timing. In ways we do not imagine.