复.

有时候会顿时忘了

但突然想起时，又会重新感受那忧伤


我现在可能真的不是真正快乐，

时间会冲淡一切吧？但愿时间对我友善点，让我尽快复原。

Some days are okay, some days are bearable,
some days I still crash, some days I still fail. 

Maybe the whole pain of it all is that it was so unexpected and unpredictable. And that makes it all the more harder to swallow. 

Probably the hardest thing is also, there is no shortcut through this. Just got to go through the whole emotional tidal wave, the whole tsunami of what-ifs, and pray that I will still be standing at the end of it all. I need time, yet time is also what makes it worse. 

Ironies of life. 

All these are real and new to me. The failings and imperfections of mankind. I never thought I would need to learn all these lessons anew. 

Yet... There is always a yet... Yet, Lord, make me wiser, more dependent on You. 
My prayer for this season. 

Day: End.

10 months ago, at this exact place.


I have many questions bogging my head. 
But at the end, it is a journey of acceptance and surrender.


It hurts because it mattered, because I gave my all, I tried my best.


Nights when I question Him, why?
I've accepted I wouldn't be getting my answer now.
Life is lived forwards but understood backwards.



And in the wise words of someone I respect a lot,
One day, your heart will heal, and God will make sense of it all.


I am waiting for that day... Surviving on pure Grace.

Day 8

And I'm beginning to gain a deeper understanding on: Be kind to one another, for everyone has their own battles to fight.

Sometimes, we think we know, but we REALLY don't. It's so different to have experienced something, and truly understand it deeper. 

It is one thing to read about something, think you understand a situation, but so different when you really understand what they are actually feeling through the incident. Life and relationships are so complicated, sometimes you really do not know what/how they are where they are, unless you are in their shoes. 

We all do need lots of grace in our lives... It's not easy.

Day 6.

So it has been quite a tormenting 2 weeks…

So much to say, think, feel, reflect, and change. So much to cry and dwell about too, so much courage needed to be bare, raw and honest, it’s not easy.


At the end of the day, when the cloud clears, I pray that we will still see the good. And the good has a lot to fight for, to work hard for. This is the lowest I/we can get, and I pray that we will pull through.

It's my deepest desire to live simply.

Day 1

“I know this much: that there is objective time, but also subjective time, the kind you wear on the inside of your wrist, next to where the pulse lies. And this personal time, which is the true time, is measured in your relationship to memory.” - Julian Barnes, The Sense of an Ending


Time doesn't have value in itself. It's the things that we associate it with - our feelings, thoughts, emotions, that in turn makes it into a memory. 

At the end of the day... We have nothing. Only these memories that stay with us. And the funny thing is, we humans CHOOSE those memories that we want to remember.

And I am still praying... the good will remain.

Day 0.

Cliche, but true: "Pain demands to be felt."

I think this has been a very trying year for me, that I juggle between being brave, brutally honest with myself, and facing my monsters.

There were days I don't think I'll have enough courage to face the world...

And... even as I feel like I've taken a faith leap into the unknown, I trust that You have my world in Your hands. I am safe...

Life is ironic. We lose what we hold the tightest. And life throws challenges at you to make you lose equilibrium, and you realize, what you held tightest, will hurt you instead.

GUARD.

A wise friend once told me, in order to go back to the beginning and 'undo' a relationship, is to force both sides to the extreme. like two sticks, if they were very intertwined before, and have to them force apart, you can't just undo them and expect them to stay apart, but you got to bend them to the very end to force a distance before it'll come back to being separate like how they started out.

I am a firm believer of that. I think distance is good sometimes. Before things get back to normal again, distance is very good.

I believe in every relationship we deposit a part of ourselves. And I've come to realize I'm such a relational person. I got to take extra care who I decide to let into my life. Because not everyone is here to stay.

Disciplining the body is hard. But disciplining the mind and emotion is harder, I feel. The bible says, GUARD your heart/mind/thought. It's so easy to let a seemingly subtle, harmless thought to come in, and that may just slowly eat away and destroy your heart/mind/thought. Meditating on things that are noble, true, positive is so so important.

Those were just some random thoughts that came into my mind...


I feel very 'unfeeling' recently, I feel like I've lost my drive. It's not as if anything bad happened, but precisely because nothing much is happening, it feels like I'm missing something. The drive to... drive on to a destination. I need something new...



one of those nights.

It's one of those nights that I feel deeply. 

I think God doesn't remove certain pains in our lives for a reason, He leaves it there, and we need to go through every single bit of pain it brings. 

Unbearable, but He made sure it makes us stronger. 
Unthinkable, but He made sure it brings us up another level.

Sometimes, there are just some roads you need to walk alone. These long, winding roads. Not on pavements but sometimes it seems that it's deep in the forest with no sure way out. It gets pretty lonely and pretty scary... when you look around in the dark and you don't see anything or anyone. And it may seem pretty unfair. It may seem that God has forgotten you. It may seem that you are on the losing end. 

I do wonder. Why does God deem some experiences necessary for our growth and for our good? Must we really learn life's lessons in such a way? When we are going through a hard time, doesn't it pain God more than the need for us to experience it? 

Time and time again, this is a raw nerve that is sensitive for anyone to touch. And somehow I think that God made me in such a way. That it will always stay as a raw nerve as long as I live. Because this is the only part of me that feels in this way. 

I'm naive... I still do believe that God restores in His timing. In ways we do not imagine.

Hello.

Haven't been here in a long while. Was wondering for a moment do I even have words to string a blog post together. Many times, wanted to come here to pen down some thoughts, but just didn't find the time to. And as always... at 4.15am inspiration strikes and here I am. 

Part of the reason for lack of blogposts - I often wonder... what are the appropriate words to describe my exact thoughts. Sometimes, they stay as emotions and feelings, without having a proper name to them. Sometimes, it feels like words do not do them justice. In this world that is too noisy at times, I often find myself keeping a lot of thoughts just in that confined space of mine. 

There were many things I wanted to write about: emotions, seasons of life, incredulity of time etc. And I stopped short, because I just couldn't find proper words to describe what had happened. (not that anything serious happened, but just trying to be a lil dramatic here)

And I wanted to mull and gasp at how much has changed in the past year. It's funny and true - time has its way of teaching us things we wouldn't even have thought of, and it has its way of changing things we thought were for ever. But at the end of the day, we look back and reflect, yes indeed, everything is for the better. 

But now... I feel myself lacking of words to say again. Haaaa. So I'm gonna end abruptly here while awaiting for the next moment of inspiration to strike. 


yesterday I was just thinking.. Does God do anything without any purpose? Isn't it an incredible thing.. To always do every single detail with a purpose in mind? 

I bumped into a friend yesterday that I haven't met in a long while. And that got me thinking... Why does God make us 'bump' into certain people sometimes? What kind of purpose does He have in such a small detail in my life? Does He do anything without any purpose or anything in mind? Even if it seems like there's really nothing to it.

Isn't it an incredible feeling to know that He weaves all these small incidents from each of our lives to make up one whole big masterplan that is ALWAYS for our good, and ALWAYS is for us? What a great God we serve...

Hi, I'm 23 and old.


Just came across my mind today...


Somehow, I feel old. At 23 this year, it feels like I've already lived a long life. Enough life experiences. I know 10 years down the road, I'll probably read this and laugh at my own naivety. But I can't help but feel this way...


My friend once commented before, she feels like I have an old soul trapped in a young body. And that got me thinking, what exactly is an old soul? Do I, really? Is my thinking very 'old'? Sometimes, I just don't feel 23. 


Sometimes, it's a blessing to be 'ordinary', to be 'simple'. Musings...