love.

2012-01-09T20:56:00.000+08:00

"It had never occured to me that our lives would have been so closely interwoven. Could unravel with such speed. If I'd known, maybe I'd have kept tighter hold of them. And not let unseen ties pull us apart."

- Never Let Me Go

Insecurities.

2012-01-03T04:59:00.002+08:00

maybe its the time of the night again....

thinking.

we always dont get another person's insecurities, do we? we can never understand, until we've experienced it. thus for us to share about them, is a big step of trust. trust that the vulnerability wont be violated. trust that somehow, that party has got a solution to help you. trust that somehow, our insecurities will become securities.

but we always find our securities in the funniest places.

so far, i've struggled quite a bit in this area. i think its a girl thing as well. or is it even right for me to always blame things on my father? so far... i've not been in this area for very long now. because God spoke to me before and i've learnt to trust in Him. but being humans, we fall, we stumble..

cant help but wonder... will things always be this way?

some nostalgic stuff. so led me to dig out some old stuff. and realised... since young.. i've always been the very giving person. those kind that give all that they can, because they trust easily. and always giving people the benefit of doubt, seeing the better side in people. give my time, my efforts, my thoughts.

and i remembered my Chinese teacher in poly said before, these are the kind of people who will get hurt easily.

i flipped through the many letters, notebook, gifts i've gave to my sis, mum, friends. read all the notes... and i've always tried to give my best when i can. even when my parents' marriage was failing, i wrote in a note to my sister that i felt we should appreciate my dad more.

maybe my teacher was right, and that is why i was so affected.. or am still so affected by things and people.. thinking why is it that i always try my best, but get disappointment in return? or have i put my heart in the wrong place?

and then i try to link it all back to my dad. and try to 'blame' him for who i am now. how many times can a child do that before that excuse expires? or is it a valid enough reason that i am wired up in this way? because truth is, he really did leave a big hole and gap in my life. as much as i want to forget and move on, i still think of the incidents that happened, think of him, think of the what ifs. but is it fair to him that i feel this way?

i've no answer...

the heart indeed, is a lonely hunter.

i wish i had a normal daddy. the earthly one.

then maybe my insecurities wouldnt be so... real.

then maybe i wouldnt disappoint myself.

"And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long."

- Slyvia Plath

Dislike Countdowns.

2011-12-31T22:57:00.002+08:00

Yes as the title goes, I dislike countdowns. 1) I do not want to squeeze with the masses, go drink, clubbing etc because I hate crowds and I hate feeling hot and sticky. 2) spending it at someone's house counting down seems out of the question now that almost all of them have moved on. 3) get tired of needing to put on a mask and just go out for the sake of going out.

Countdowns have lost its meaning to me. I miss the old days and times when it used to be a few dear ones doing random stuff. But now it seems like everything's changed and also everyone has their +1 to care for.

2011 has been great and I do not want to do anything that I don't feel like on the last day of the year.

So guess what? Yes. I'm going home to an empty house and just be totally ztt for the night without needing to care about anything. :)

A Greater Purpose

2011-12-30T01:20:00.002+08:00

you know how in the movies, once this person finds his/her dream and passion, this greater purpose, how he/she forsakes everything else for that purpose?

just suddenly, everything else seems not as important, and everything falls away, and this something in you click, that jigsaw falls into place, and you finally understand.

and theres no turning back when you've been called. i'd gladly answer and give my everything.

Parenthood

2011-11-09T21:00:00.002+08:00

have i mentioned how much i adore this tv series?

just finished last week's episode.. and i love how relatable each character is. that at the end of the day... you watch the show and you just feel like you are part of them.. the feelings are so.. raw.

no matter what we go through in life, there is one thing that keeps us going back or going in circles - love. In the family, between spouses, between ex-husbands, brothers and sisters, colleagues.

And love is the superglue that keeps each character in their own place, how they struggle and triumph, with love. and at the end of the day, you watch their lives unfold before you and you cant help feeling overwhelmed, because love is powerful, and transferrable from a person to next.

i just love parenthood :)

a lesson.

2011-10-11T23:18:00.003+08:00

official second week of work but i've already made mistakes here and there. and some big/small. nua as i am, i am someone who REALLY dislikes and cringes at mistakes made. especially when it has got something to do with my work. i take pride in my work and i always ensure i've done my best. that every single detail is taken care of. thus when i overlook something, i kinda really blame myself for it.

but well, no one is perfect. i'm still learning as well. though i still hate the fact that i have to make mistakes. is it really that hard to not make mistakes? i don't ever want to make mistakes... i am a perfectionist when it comes to work. i want things to be perfect and smooth, knowing i've done my part well.

and... i think its important to put yourself into another's shoes. you will just get what the person is feeling. and you'll understand that hey, we are all equal, we are all human beings after all.

i've learnt to be more understanding, to be wiser, to be sharper, to multitask, to be more excellent in my job these two weeks. and by the grace of God, i want to be more than i am now. growing bit by bit. one day, i will get there.

importance of carrying oneself well.

2011-10-10T00:05:00.005+08:00

hi, nice way to keep my blog 'updated' huh. after a month. haha.

blogged out a blog post in my mind while bathing today. i had the misfortune of meeting two boys at Tampines MRT station, and they looked pretty decent and honest. but once they started opening their mouths, i was shocked and honestly quite disgusted by the language they use. every sentence is punctuated with vulgarity. and of different sorts.

and that got me thinking. why is it that youths nowadays loveeee to color their languages in profanities? language is such a beautiful thing to learn, and i think we really need to teach them how to speak properly and carry themselves. i've always admired people who carried themselves well, speak well, and care about grammar. it's like a bonus if i ever discover someone who writes well, and takes the effort to use good English too.

i'm not saying it's not okay to speak Singlish. i will be the first to admit that i LOVE Singlish (but without those vulgarities). I think it gives Singaporeans such a unique identity that you won't find elsewhere. but i think we can master the art of Singlish and speaking good English at the same time. i don't think it should be at the expense of us compromising our language standards. there is just so much charm in a person who can speak well, and write well too.

i think it's something that is so lacking in youths these days. because it is so much easier to rant it out without thinking, be all angsty about things and not care, than learning tolerance and endurance.

even in tweets, i think it matters a lot if people take the effort to reread it and correct their English before posting. it'll make the world a better place. but of course, i'm not perfect either. i'm learning about grammar all the time.

maybe i have a secret ambition of being a grammar guru. like, know all the rules to the T. that would be cool huh. what a noble ambition it is.

okay how did i get from vulgarities to grammar. see, i'm a grammar freak at heart. i google everything before posting anything if i'm not sure. and if i do make a mistake, i'll edit it in an instant cos i'll be so ashamed of it. if it's twitter, i'll bomb a whole chunk of tweets just to 'drown' that tweet away. hurhur.

PS, my sis corrected me on this. did you know that we've all been using 'lesser' wrongly? cos there is no such word as 'morer', so we don't say:

I want lesser sugar.

People want to spend lesser time waiting these days.

I listen to lesser music when I'm traveling.

it should be:

I want less sugar.

People want to spend less time waiting these days.

I listen to less music when I'm traveling.

lesser should be used in describing something of less importance or rank or not so great. in the context that, "He was convicted of a lesser assault charge."

it was a revelation to me. haha. we learn new things everyday.

PPS. so being cek ark about grammar will attract cek ark people correcting your own too. yes being human... we all make mistakes... hahaha. i've edited the post Julian.

talent.

2011-09-05T03:40:00.004+08:00

sooo... a friend asked me today, what is my talent. i honestly didn't know what to reply. is it a weird thing that i dont know what is my talent? i mean... i know what i'm good at, what i can do. but do they count as talents? i thought talent is something you are naturally good at?

that is why i often envy those whose talents are obvious. they are so blessed! even though i know God is not biased and that we all have our own talents, but i cant help but wonder sometimes, how do we know? what is my talent?

i guess... i'm good at doing slides? (actually this is trained. is that counted as one? and i dont think i am extremely good either, i just kinda know what works.)

i guess... i'm good at dressing? (this comes with age as well. and honestly, i think i look like crap on most days... hmmm.)

and everything else is a big question mark, to me. or am i so used to everything that i dont realise what i'm good at? is it REALLY that important to know what are you good at? i mean... i do know what is in my capabilities and what is not. so i do things accordingly. does knowing what i can do = talent?

if i were picking my own talents like playing the Sims, i would have a hard time deciding, cos i want EVERYTHING. how cool is it to be a really charismatic person and a captivating speaker? how cool is it to be able to write so well people get lost in your words? how cool is it to be so musically talented that people stand in awe of your voice and skills? how cool is it to be such a good chef that you can cook up something without needing recipes? how cool is it to be such a creative person, that there are no limits to anything and you can create something out of nothingness?

i guess i am still journeying to discover myself. in a sense, it is not a bad thing. cos it keeps me on the toes and not trust in my own abilities but in God. just like leading praise in CG, honestly, i sucked. but hey, that is why i need to pray beforehand that EVEN THOUGH i suck, God still can use me to bless others. even if i become a laughing stock, it is to the glory of God.

reminded of a quote that i posted before:

and the angel said,
"Every man hath the right to doubt his task, and to forsake it from time to time; but what he must not do is forget it. Whoever doubteth not himself is unworthy - for in his unquestioning belief in his ability, he commiteth the sin of pride. Blessed are they who go through moments of indecision."

-fifth mountain.

honestly, i dont know what i am talented in. but i'll just follow Jesus anyway. somehow along the way, maybe i'll have my answer finally. :)

[PS. dug out my old diary, found A LOT of paulo coelho quotes from fifth mountain. actually though i find him quite overrated at times, he does write good books. just read a few selectively. else, it gets quite repetitive. shall find someday to post up those inspiring quotes, instead of my usual depressive quotes. ha ha ha.]

"How we need another soul to cling to."

2011-09-02T04:17:00.002+08:00

"Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those. "

"I like people too much or not at all. I've got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them."

- Slyvia Plath

Was just researching on some of her quotes. She is so unique. How she is so blunt, yet so accurate. How she plays around with words and imagery, and how those words pierce through to your heart. Shockingly precise and yet beautifully subtle. Isn't it amazing how you find yourself in words that were written by other people? It's as if you guys shared the same life. That's the beauty of words - connecting people together in very different circumstances.

lights will guide you home.

2011-08-10T01:33:00.003+08:00

just one of those nights...

when you want to hide in a corner,

hide under your blanket,

feeling a kind of emptiness,

blankness...

void.

"The hole is no void; the void exists around it."

等到风景都看透, 也许你会陪我看细水长流

2011-08-09T17:40:00.003+08:00

i believe i have shared this video before. each time i listen to this song, i fall in love all over again. it has such beautiful lyrics, beautiful melody, and meaning.

有时候有时候

我会相信一切有尽头 相聚离开都有时候 没有什么会永垂不朽 可是我有时候 宁愿选择留恋不放手 等到风景都看透 也许你会陪我看细水长流

this afternoon, replaying all the chinese songs in my itunes. love how the lyrics speak and come to life.

<3 the beauty of chinese. there is something so simple, so subtle, yet it speaks so strongly. doesnt need to speak out, "i miss you", but you can still totally feel the pain and the 想念.

Vulnerability.

2011-08-05T00:50:00.003+08:00

i think this word is huge.

i couldnt understand its power and destructiveness entirely.

perhaps when you let your walls down, and daringly let your inner self out, you somehow wish you dont have to keep it back, after letting someone see the ugliness of it. but yet, not one relationship cant have you vulnerable.

who is it that you let into your vulnerability zone?

after layers and layers of masks, walls. the centre of it all is trust. its like, that person becomes a part of you when you let him/her in. and it will stay this way forever. even if you drift apart, a part of him/her still lives in you (like a horcrux), that part just stays there, stuck.

and you are then reminded of the memories and the past each time you revisit that certain part of you. but the time between each revisit becomes longer, and like a cocoon, that part gets buried deeper and deeper, until it is gone. but no, it is not entirely gone. it will forever be there, etched in your heart, part of that vulnerability zone, neither going forwards or backwards,

just stuck.

and overtime, there will be so many little cocoons around that you start to erect new walls, new masks, to tighten the 'security' around you, to allow lesser people in, because you've learnt your lesson. because you've learnt that people come, and people go, and you've got to know who will be the ones who will never leave. these are the ones worth letting into your vulnerability zone.

Maybe I can't see, maybe it's just me.

2011-07-06T14:04:00.002+08:00

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I've drugged it in its sleep
There isn't many memories
I'm comfortable to keep

This ball keeps rolling on
It's heading for the streets
Keep expecting you to send for me
The invitation never comes

Each time I turn around
There's nothing there at all
So tell me why I feel like
I'm up against a wall
But maybe it's a false alarm
Every answer sounds the same
Just colours bleeding into one
That hasn't got a name
Maybe I can't see
Maybe it's just me

Now the curtain's coming up
The audience is still
I'm struggling to cater for
The space I'm meant to fill

And distance doesn't care
No, distance doesn't care

I'm trying to put this thing to bed
I drugged it in its sleep
Remember what you said
Are you comfortable to keep it?
Keep it

I've been replaying this song so much lately. False Alarm. I'm quite addicted to KT Tunstall these days, like what I said on twitter, she is like this hidden treasure in my ipod. sometimes i forget i have her in my ipod and decide to play her songs and fall in love with her songs all over again.

lots of things on my mind these days. but perhaps i'm just thinking too much as usual. caught in a box, trying to break free of its limitations, but finding the pressure and force outside too much to bear. ever feel so stuck at where you are? its not helplessness, it is just purely... stuck. as if your feet got caught in a huge pool of sticky mud and you just cant carry on walking because the mud refuses to let you go.

trying to live up to expectations, but trying to keep the balance in myself at the same time. its a tough thing really, this balance thing. i guess that's how fallen our minds are, that we cant help but be negative. and it takes sheer willpower and strength to get you out of the situation.

when situations seem impossible, that's when faith comes to work.
if things are going well, why do you even need faith for?

2011-06-07T21:34:00.002+08:00

omg. as i was reading my past entries... i have soooo many grammar mistakes.. (horror face)

sigh. i hereby apologise.

my Cness is inconsistent, gotta be more careful in spelling and grammar next time! :(

books make me drool.

2011-06-07T20:44:00.004+08:00

if there's one thing in this world that i can spend the rest of my life doing, it would be reading. nothing charges me more than a good read, and the satisfaction you get from a book. so... i'm trying to conquer time's top 100 novels since 1923. some pretty interesting titles there, but i may cross-reference with NY Time's.

Am currently reading: The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers.

i love love love love the title. it caught my attention straightaway. currently 1/4 into the book! the book started off with an introduction of the author with the timeline of her life. i was so blown away! Carson ought to win some award for her resilience and her passion for writing. though she was stricken with illnesses, she kept overcoming and wrote book after book. that really motivated me to finish this book. she wrote this book when she was a mere 23!

finished this book not long ago. The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.

Honestly, i am somewhat attracted to books that talk about psychology. i think all of our minds are so full of hidden potential, good or bad, that has the power to destroy or create. its a scary thought, but i believe that everything starts with the mind, whether unknowingly or knowingly.

it was quite a depressing read, in a sense that this is a semi-autobiography of Plath, and she actually committed suicide one month after publishing this book. and you kind of relate to the ups and downs Esther the protagonist went through in the book. but some events were so bizarre that you kind of wonder what really happened to lead her behaving in that way.

i really like the analogy of using a bell jar to compare with Esther's life. it is refreshing, and the image stays in your head.

--------------------------------------------

some thoughts:

coming from a dysfunctional family, i've always thought that the traits of a person can always be traced back to his/her childhood. how a person grows up can influence him/her so much in the future, indirectly. and it will even become inner scars that need much healing next time.

however, i've contemplated with the idea that, a proper growing up environment can also drive a person to an extreme end too, in a sense that its 'safe' and 'prim'. i believe its an instilled will in each of us, to become something, to be a somebody. so the lack of life experiences, can drive one mad too, whether expressed out or not.

because at any one point of time, one will realise that he/she can't be fully satisfied with life itself. life itself cant satisfy the enormous willpower we humans possess. there is something in us that keeps searching, for something more. more often than not, we do not know what exactly are we searching for.

thus for some, life goes on without a purpose and frustration builds up in them and they do not know why. such is life.

anyhow, i think i will start to update my blog more frequently now. because i've come to realise i can't express everything i want to say in 140 characters. you can say i have bad summary skills. haha. my endings are always so abrupt when i've exhausted what i wanted to say. hahaa.

contradiction

2011-05-08T23:23:00.003+08:00

who am i?

this question is so simple yet profound.

we are unique and born in our own unique way, but people do change right? so when they change, do they change who they are too? and when they change, is it always the case that they must return to who they were to be happy? or is it possible that people change, and they change who they are, and they are truly happy?

you hear people say all the time, time to find myself back. how do you know if you've found yourself? what exactly make up the 'you'?

so is it true that when people mess up their lives, gone all haywire, and when they realise their mistakes, they are able to go back to who they were?

it's as if each of us has got our own inextricable set of 'me' in us intertwined with our own core, that is indissoluble. and even as we are eroded, worn out by the things of life, it seems like this core in us will always be calling us, to go back, to eradicate those things which are not doing us good, to come back to the point where we feel refreshed, and 'me' once again.

even as we grow up, we are supposed to understand ourselves more. but it seems like we get so easily lost in the 100001 things around us. and we are sometimes so entangled with the things of life we wonder, how is it possible to be grown up but yet lose control of our lives? and as we sink deeper and want to crawl out of that sinking hole, we are also often being pulled back by the chains of the world, and problems that we ourselves created, only to realise everything is our own doing. that we've neglected the 'me' in us.

and here's hoping you who are reading this, to never lose yourself. and if you already have, to just listen to that voice in your heart, because in all your life, this is the only voice which won't lead you astray.

wiser.

2011-03-29T04:17:00.001+08:00

just a short one before i zzzzz.

on the topic of 'friends' recently. i think as i age, i tend to 'test' and 'observe' someone alot, before allowing him/her into my life. and i've learnt to identify certain personalties and characteristics. have learnt, sometimes thru the hard way, how to choose my friends wisely.

even as we grow up, friends arent a general term as 'friends' anymore. sad but true, they are separated and differentiated to the different levels of closeness to us. and there will be times when we are forced to make a decision to draw away from people who are 'hindering' us in a way. it is all part of growing up and it is inevitable.

sometimes i think to myself, is it really that necessary? there were so many times i doubted my own decisions. but time and time again, i proved myself to be right. sometimes it was painful.. but at the end of the day, i'm glad i did.

'friends' used to be a general term for me. anyone and everyone are my friends. until recently when i really thought through, and learnt to identify the ones who are truly closest to my heart.

i want friends who truly know my heart, who are sincere and genuine. who are there not to just share with the good times, but the extremely bad times as well (which more often than not, needs much sensitivity). yes it sounds simple, but if you take time out to really think through, you are only left with a few...

OCD.

2011-03-27T17:11:00.002+08:00

i was watching criminal minds that lam sent me (starting to appreciate that show, hope it wont run out like lie to me does). and one of the episodes speaks of compulsion, obsessive-compulsion disorder. and i just randomly remembered i researched on it while i was back in wuhan, and even had a conversation with yx about it, and we admitted we have mild OCDs in our own way.

Some people with OCD perform compulsive rituals because they inexplicably feel they have to, others act compulsively so as to mitigate the anxiety that stems from particular obsessive thoughts. The person might feel that these actions somehow either will prevent a dreaded event from occurring, or will push the event from their thoughts. Individuals with OCD are aware that their thoughts and behavior are not rational, but they feel bound to comply with them to fend off feelings of panic or dread.

-from wikipedia

Some common compulsions:

-counting specific things (such as footsteps) or in specific ways (by intervals of two)

-doing other repetitive actions, often with sensitivity to numbers or patterns

-repeatedly wash their hands

-clear their throats

-make sure certain items are in a straight line

-touch objects a certain number of times before exiting a room

-walk in a certain routine way

-routine for using stairs and always finishing a flight on the same foot

when i saw these on wiki, i laughed out loud. because i'm guilty of quite a few! and there was a period of time i suffered so much from it when i was young, probably in secondary school, and i didnt realise i had OCD. and i didnt know what was happening to me because these things tortured my mind so much but i knew it wasnt rational, but i just NEEDED to do it.

like if i tapped something once, i cant just tap it once, i NEED to tap it to an even number. or i will feel SUPER uneasy and as if something bad will happen if i dont tap it to an even number. (this still happens to me)

if i snapped my right fingers, i NEED to snap my left fingers twice, to 'even' things out.

and when i'm outside, i will subconsciously count alot of things in front of me, notice the patterns, numbers, to give me an ease of mind.

and you know why i dont really like wearing necklaces? cos i'll be VERY conscious of how many times my necklace touched me, and i will start counting, and if its not an even number i'll get very uneasy and i'll wait for it to touch me another time, then i'll just hold it in my hands. hahahaha. weird right!!!

and yes there would be certain things that i MUST see them aligned in a straight line too, or i cant really concentrate on anything else.

so funny hor! i think every other person has OCD of their own in small minor ways? i think its so interesting how all these small small things play with our minds, but its not even rational.

but in any way, i think i'm quite an irrational person also. i'm good with maths, but im irrational when it comes to feelings and emotions.

so interesting how God wired us up. and i know of all people, lam and huiying will understand my this post. lol.

a losing battle.

2011-03-17T23:26:00.003+08:00

as i was floating through life these few weeks (floating is more apt for my situation), there was quite a turmoil going on on the inside of me. i was kind of in a half-reality, half-fantasy world. where i was able to talk myself in being pessimistic and optimistic at the same time. it was a very strange feeling. i guess it was struggling between two sides, two very extreme sides.

one side of me, felt that hope and everything lovey dovey, was perverse. there wasnt such a thing in the world. i allowed myself to become so cynical about everything good. ever felt like this before? and its so hard to talk yourself out of it, because the negativity just washes over the positivity. it came to a point when i was disgusted even, by anything good, that happened maybe to me or people around me. i became critical even, voicing out my thoughts in my heart.

another side of me, believed theres a reason that i'm going through everything that i am going through. where that small spark of faith still stood. where somehow, i gathered the strength to continue doing what i was supposed to do, and somehow, still able to find some sort of meaning to it (i hate doing things without knowing the reason behind them).

i was like a fish caught in a net, struggling hard to find a way out, but yet, knowing deep down it is impossible to do so. just fighting a losing battle. but yet, i still fought.

yet now, i think i'm losing the battle. but i am half relieved i am losing this battle. on the other hand, still fighting hard against reality without really knowing why. wanting to surrender...

Wuhan/BJ/LS

2011-02-17T04:57:00.005+08:00

much delayed post.

Lushan 庐山:

i havent been to a true hill before, so i was very much amazed. it was an amazing experience. the sight was amazing, breathtaking. makes you wonder, how impressively creative our God is. such huge hills, deep valleys etc.

but on the downside, i havent been more tired, climbing stairs after stairs after stairs. it was crazy. honestly. i cant even describe the tiredness of it all. but it was made better and more fun by my awesome classmates.

and btw, how awesome is that quote on the rock? it was rooted in the middle of a random pathway, and i thought it is very beautifully written!

Beijing:

we had a hell of a trip! it was so so packed we didnt have time to shop. my agenda was of course, H&M. but there wasnt much time for us. so we had to break rules (thankfully we werent caught), and went out way after curfew. it was such a memorable experience i think i will never forget.

but anyhow, i hate tour groups. so you can imagine my unwillingness in alot of places. (and all of them we've been to when we went on our sec 2 trip to BJ) but still, it was a nice experience. going places after places, seeing all the historical events that happened in that place, makes you really wonder. left me pretty much amazed at that kind of history that china have.

Wuhan:

i've blogged about my opinion on that city before so i wont continue. but i miss that place in a weird sense of way. how peaceful and uninterrupted life was then. waking up for classes, going for lunches together with classmates, living on our own, making decisions, exploring places we havent been to...

i had alot of 'me' time in a sense. no one to order me about, no one to tell me what to do, but everything was what i wanted to do. i had my own phases of awful time there, when i was an emotional wreck and just wanted to fly back home. but if you would ask me again, i wouldnt mind going through it again, its such a golden experience, to be able to leave the comfort zone of Singapore and be able to experience something wholly different.

of course, my first time with snow! had such a fab time playing with snow there. it was cold, but it was fun! and oh, i miss wearing boots seriously. though very ma fan.

and of course, the cheap food and clothes there. not even going into this... :(

and all the bonding time we had together with all my classmates. cooking, watching movies, gossiping (oops).

i wouldnt choose another bunch of people to go with, they are such AWESOME people! each of them are so individually special in their own ways and it warms my heart so much. i love each of them! :)

if you ask me, did i learn to be more independent, i would say no.

because right now, i am just the same as before i left.

but i did learn how to be alone, and how to be away. how to keep emotions in check, how to keep going when it seems impossible to. trust me, there were so many nights i wanted to just literally die or something, it was that tough for me.

but yeah. all's over.

i dont know if i would challenge myself to abandon everything in this manner and leave for a long period of time again, but i think i may.

it is when thrown into deep sea and not knowing how to swim, is when you will really wake up and fend and struggle for yourself.

what a disturbing analogy, but i find it true. :)

Friends.

2011-02-15T18:11:00.002+08:00

“The most beautiful discovery true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” – Elizabeth Foley

-stolen from jx's blog.

what an impactful quote.

been pondering this topic as of late, the topic of friends.

what is its definition, who they are, what are they supposed to do etc. but most importantly, my take on them. while reflecting that day, and thinking about all the different friends i've got, i cant help but realise, how each of us has grown into our skin, separately, but somehow bounded together by this 'friends' word.

if you ask me, friends is a very diverse word. it can mean so many things on so many different levels. anyone and anything can be 'friends' with you. but on a closer proximity, how do i really feel?

what if there are things that you dont agree with?

and what if there are things you wish havent changed?

and what if things just stayed the same as it was, how would things be different now?

was reconsidering alot of things. which left me pretty much confused as to what i want. sometimes the more 'grown up' you are, your mind tends to be more messed up.

but i ended with one conclusion in mind, that time will tell.

and time will tell too, if that quote stands.

the coulda, woulda, shoulda.

2011-01-31T05:12:00.003+08:00

i wanted to say this. i think that being emotional sometimes is a good thing after all. i mean, great writers, composers are all much more emotional than normal people right? cos without feelings, how are you able to express? but i guess, it must be directed in the right direction.

sometimes i find that going through phases of life is like, so interesting.

i'm at a point when i'm at the crossroads, choosing my next path and trying to guess what my future holds. being such an indecisive person, you have no idea how much i'm going through on the inside of me.

so should it be A? or A + B? or just C? but what if A is the best? what if i cant do it?

but i still have to say, it is a necessary part of life where we truly know ourselves and grow to be ourselves, and being set apart.

random, but i've always envied those people who have really obvious talents and gifts. they seem to be able to shine, and discover their talents early in life. i admire that. something which i am still trying to grope and find out at this point of my life.

well i actually intended to blog alot more but i cant remember what i wanted to say. wish there was a mind diary of some sort.

whole again.

2011-01-22T02:06:00.003+08:00

been watching Skins. its a crude show, very very crude show. but it somehow still draws me in. i like how real the characters are, how imperfect they are, how honest they are about life. how they fail again and again, but along the way, find bits and pieces of themselves. but they'll lose them again, but somehow, still manage to piece things together and work out for good.

they are a whole bunch of screwed up kids. and somehow, just kinda refreshing to know that there are still imperfections in this world. ironic i know. and a bit psycho. but somehow i just really like that show.

some stuff that happened. made me think alot.

as i was walking that same way to that same destination, it surprised me how well i could memorise the way there. and how i hated walking that exact path. i wish i never ever have to walk that same path ever again. and i was tearing. and i recalled back that previous time i walked that path, i was tearing too. but both for different people in my life.

the previous was much dear to me. i was so so worried i just couldnt help myself and i just kept tearing once i heard the news. i needed to see her for myself to get the assurance.

this isnt as close to me. but my heart totally went out to him, and my heart ached so much. when i reached, i didnt dare to look at him, i didnt dare to look at the arm. i was afraid.

but eventually i did. and i saw fine lines etched across his face, and him struggling, to try to get his message across, occasionally showing signs of pain and frustration. my heart ached so much. so many occasions i wanted to tear.

here's a man. who had no choice in life. whatever that happened to him so far, he didnt have any say in it. he worked hard all his life, just trying to get by. lived a honest life, with a simple house, simple family. but life has been cruel to him.

when i was studying chinese literature, i felt the most for those characters who had no say in their destinies. my heart went out to them. though they are fictional, but they speak volumes about a life that has no freedom, no choice, no love. and i often thought about them alot in classes while my teachers were analyzing them.

this situation reminded me of those characters. perhaps not as tragic, but they are all trapped in a prison cell of life. they have no vision or dream. their only vision and dream is to live happily, die peacefully, and just get by.

reminded of all the unfairness in this world. where some people can have it all, others just have miserable lives.

but as i was thinking about all these yesterday, i saw a scene which warmed my heart greatly.

i saw love,

and i saw family.

in such situations, these things shine all the more brighter. and it warms every heart and give so much hope. people that you can rely on, to fall back on. given such extreme circumstances, they are the ones who wouldnt give up on you. who would truly be there, wherever you are.

just to hold your hand, to give you a hug, to give you a smile,

just to let you know everything's gonna be alright.

it was then that i really thought to myself, nothing's more important than this. and love's really what we all live for. whether unknowingly or not.

but still, i pray that God will truly bless his family and bring them through, and really show them the greatest love of all. because thats the only thing that will make all the incompleteness complete, and a reason for everything that they've been through.

So... a Happy New Year?

2011-01-20T01:36:00.002+08:00

so hi, i'm back to the blogging world. much apologies for taking a break. reason being 1) too lazy 2) too occupied with the iphone 3) uninspired.

so people have asked me so what exactly did i learn from my China trip?

how was 2010 for me?

how am i going to spend 2011?

after like 20 days, all the new year vibes must be gone already. i'm just really happy to be back. still basking in all the homeliness feel. i love home, love my family. i like the fact that i can get back my life and i have the time to really spend it with myself and having time off to do the things i love again.

life nowadays is very simple, just books, the iPhone, and my shows. and meetups, dinners etc. its all good. i kinda dont want to disrupt the peace that i have now, but i guess i cant have it for long. but for once, please let me be able to enjoy. cos after all, i've been away from home for 130+ days and it was an extreme experience for me.

just started on two books im super excited to read and im just happy to lay my hands on them finally after months. looking forward to find some inspirations :)

i typed this out while i was still in china but didnt have a chance to blog on 01/01/11:

Dress like yourself.

I guess i've became too skeptical and critical over the years. i dont know if its a bad thing or a good thing. but i still stand on my views.

i get the creeps when i see someone else trying to dress like another. be it famous fashion bloggers, or anyone else. i get the creeps when i see a blog and its filled with pieces that are ought to be 'famous'.

the same Sam Edelman shoes, the same Acne shoes, the same Proenza Schouler bag, the same Jeffrey Campbell Litas, the same Balenciagia bag, that same type of cross necklace, that same style of rings like Pamela Love, f21, that same Miu Miu shoes, that same Topshop oversized knit, that same Topshop boots, you get my drift.

i mean, great, you have all these pieces. and truth to be told, they are expensive and worth lusting after for. but.. i think what's really lacking is character. you are just trying to be another person.

so what if you dress well? trying to fit into a mold that is seemingly 'acceptable' and because they are 'famous' wont make you go far.

that being said, i dont think its wrong to own any of those said 'famous' pieces. but i think its wrong when you are trying to mimic someone. sure, we all start somewhere and feed on inspiration and these things do go in circles, but i just think its not cool when you are just trying to be the next Rumi or whatever.

maybe this coming from me might be a little unbelievable, but sometimes, i think i do get so tired of the so-called 'fashion'. yes, everyone does want to look good, but sometimes, i think getting back to the basics, to the core, to just being you, would be a very good change.

we can be so muddled up with everything that perhaps we lost ourselves somewhere along the road.

fashion is just skin-deep. character is deeper than that. and i guess that is one core reason why i quitted ADM in the first place.

哲学

2010-12-06T03:10:00.002+08:00

just ranting a bit here while i'm doing some work.

just like what i said on twitter, i think philosophy's such a deep and interesting topic to ponder and research on. i think God is such a creative God. His creative juices just keep flowing in all sorts of areas and its a wonder how did He create such a wide variety of things.

just take a look at philosophy. it is of the mind. but it affects generations and cultures. and its so interesting to see how diverse people can conceive of a certain situation. i believe every philosophy developed from a certain background, certain circumstance, that led them to believe and think and psycho themselves into thinking that way.

and how, in turn, it affects so many other people. but these people chose to, because they share the same beliefs.

while doing research and all, i cant help but think how very wise the Bible is. and i think there is no greater teacher than God himself, no greater teaching than the Bible itself. though its a book, but it has such rich content and words that can change lives. and it is kinda like a philosophy on its own. just that its more real, and its experiential.

and yup, it is what my essay will be based on. :)

修养

2010-12-05T02:08:00.003+08:00

you know you have those songs, that once you listen to them, they zap you into a certain state/emotion? yeah one of those nights. really nice to be in this state, in my own bubble. of music awesomeness.

recent events had me thinking. between character/personality, which would you choose? between oneself/the group, which would you choose?

i am a total advocate in being real. but if being real is at the expense of yourself and of people, then what value is there? i think in everything, we need to choose character. without a core belief and value system, it is hard to navigate through this life that we have. character is everything. and it shows heaps about a person.

when one's character is right, i think people can feel it.

but after everything, i still do believe in second chances. everyone needs second chances. no one can be successful in life with just the first shot. everyone needs the second/third/fourth chances to right every wrong.

but one has to prove to be repentant. and to realise the error of their ways. or else its hard to trust again.

i dont like things being so fast and all. so much so that im too carried away. i like to quieten down to think through things and reflect. these little periods of time is like a bath for me. cleaning myself of everything and go back to me.

i love visualizing and analyzing things. it is just me. if Situation A happened, i will think of reasons why it happened. like Number 1, Number 2, Number 3. then i'll think of possible solutions, Number 1, Number 2, Number 3. haha. i think my mind works in a very weird way.

------------------------

my first december away from home.

december's always a month for me to be thankful and grateful for the life that i have. and i will still try to keep that little tradition of mine while i'm still here.

just a little lost these days.

but i guess we all need to go through these kinda things, to find yourself right? even though it can be a long journey.

2010-12-02T02:26:00.003+08:00

everything's changing.

every single thing.

for once, let me have the courage.

and let me believe again.

i really need that.

just not right.

2010-11-28T01:45:00.001+08:00

i dont know why is this getting to me now.. but. i'm affected. as i said before in my previous post.. i am a super emotional being.. and these things.. get to me..

i know.. i shouldnt be feeling more than anything cos it has been the situation for so many years.. but i just cant help it...

i.. just.. really.. want.. to be happy..

when a woman falls in love.. she gives everything. her vulnerability, her secrets, her imperfections, her weaknesses. but she also gives her best. her concern, her care, her love.

every woman wants the same things. to be loved. to be appreciated of the things she sacrificed and gave, often things that are unknown.

when a marriage or a relationship falls apart.. it is the emotional scars she has to deal with. it is scary.. knowing that these unknowing things creep into our hearts and minds and leave such a deep impression. it is certainly not easy. to pull out all these hurts from the very root. and still be haunted and reminded of every good time they've spent together.

i guess no one will truly understand the pain.. until they've been through it. how the heart hardens.. and how it shuts down..

people say its not easy. but do they really know how not easy is not easy?

too much.

2010-11-21T01:44:00.001+08:00

20 years of life, i've learnt to do lots of things. i've learnt to photoshop etc, operate the different softwares amateurishly...

but i still havent learnt how to control myself. my own emotions, my own thoughts. this is one area that i have so much trouble in controlling. i wish someone can just take hold of these areas of my life and just help me to control them. these things... they will be the fall of me someday.

i give in too much to my emotions. i let them stray me too far away from where i'm supposed to be.. i let them control my life too much.. and i know its not healthy. but i cant help it. these inner monsters. they devour all the life in me and the optimism.

i wish life is as easy as a formula. as easy as a solution. as easy as a clear-cut answer to a hard question. this is something that i struggle so much with in my life...

i wish i was stronger in alot of areas. i wish i was someone else. wish that i wasnt this timid. wish my emotions wouldnt control me.

but i'm not.

and this will be one hard battle i have to keep fighting. until i fight these inner monsters away...

太感性真的不是件好事。

emotionless.

2010-11-08T03:07:00.001+08:00

had the most memorable beijing trip ever. all in the name of h&m. more updates next time.

feels like i've got tons to share.

but now, am really tired...

in every way and area...

night..

things worth mentioning.

2010-10-25T02:04:00.002+08:00

hello there! thought of dropping a post before sleeping. mood's been real good lately! hehe.

my first self-made breakfast:

(the reason behind the additional ribbon which seems kinda out of place is because i think such a significant milestone is worth a ribbon. and u can totally see my reflection on it.)

the reason why i pasted the tape at the side cos i bought the wrong kinda lunchbox :( this kind wont close properly cos its meant for the microwave. :( but nevermind! and china's bread is especially dry. which made me miss sg's soft fluffy bread so much :( and that five unidentified black objects are actually mini oreos leftover from yesterday's 3am food hunt. (mini oreos are so much yummier than normal ones! i'm a convert!)

soooooo i'll be waking up with good mood tmr in anticipation to taste my yummy breakfast. i hope it turns out good!!! or i'll be super sad :(

and another thing worth mentioning is i cooked my first meal here too! nothing too fanciful, just plain old maggie. BUT i added CHEESE! YUMMY! i dont know how come i've never tried this before back in sg! and i had 7 jiao zis as side dish too. heh.

and btw! this came thru mail for me last week:

YAY! MY FIRST EVER CHEN QI ZHEN'S CONCERT!

you may ask, how is it ever my first?! hmmm. the story quite long ah. but ya! better first than never right?! quite excited! and its coming saturday! omg! cant wait!! :) :) first concert out of sg too!

the wind is bolstering out there outside my window now. its kinda scary. imma go to bed now. night all.

入乡随俗

2010-10-22T00:31:00.002+08:00

been in china for almost 2 months. though i'm missing home very much, but theres a certain kind of charm that this very place has. that it has really charmed me, and really intrigued me.

wuhan is charming in its own way too. its like a place caught in limbo - of developing into a city, but yet still carrying the not-so-city state.

one thing that really touched me is how real the people are here. its that very subtle aura that they give out, and yet you can sense it so strongly. it is so pure, so innocent. they are so down to earth. and you cant help, but be very won over by their humbleness.

i love all my teachers here. they are all super sincere, super real. and you can really sense that they really live simple, uncomplicated lives. by the way they talk, they react. and isnt that so precious? and i think it reflects alot on how the whole culture is..

even though this place has got lots of things to improve on as well, but it really has this unique feel about it. because being so perfect isnt all that attractive after all.

but just wondering. years down the road, when things change drastically and when things get more advanced, will these things change? the people, the aura, the charm. and just be like any other carbon copy of a 'city-like' state.

its really nice to get away from a city-like place sometimes.

杨乃文

2010-10-21T20:52:00.003+08:00

i dont know if she is still known among people nowadays. but she is someone i really admire alot alot. i love her music, i love her. i love her songs, love her lyrics. love how she conveys things. has and always will be one of my favourite artistes.

and i bet alot of people reading this have no idea who she is.

and her songs are just perfect for tonight.
when i'm feeling not that fab. and she just...brings that emotion out.

one of those days/nights...

when you just feel so alone and solo.
when nothing seem to be able to get you.
you just...dont wanna feel. but at the same time...feeling alot.
if it even make any sense.

when did humans' emotions ever make sense anyway.

hear them roar.

2010-10-19T18:44:00.003+08:00

completed my first exam here in china today. i bought these cute post its at a nearby stationery shop. cute lions with different expressions. cute huh! motivated me to study ytd. and such a joy to see my book earmarked by them. :) all for only 60cents SGD for a packet! such a steal!

life's like minesweeper.

2010-10-15T18:01:00.000+08:00

i guess you must have an outlet for you to let out all the rants and i've been feeling quite 'full' nowadays. i need an outlet.

you know, life's really like minesweeper sometimes.

one wrong move, and all the effort you've put in can go to zero in a millisecond. when you think you've gotten it, gotten the whole idea, bam! you are wrong. and how that ugly crossed eye smiley witnessed all your failure and stare at how bad at life you are. (talking about people in our lives sometimes)

but thank God for that smiley. you can always depend on that smiley to refresh your life. and start all over again. life's all about second chances, third chances, fourth chances. though not everything's taken for granted though. cos you've still got 99 bombs awaiting you.

however, once you got hold of that chance and really got wiser, your moves become more accurate and specific. you'll manage to spot potential bombs easily and are able to diffuse them before any life-harming damage can be done. and voila! you succeed in life.

and it is also about being better than your previous record. always striving to go forwards and upwards.

well, we had some lame photoshopping class, and i was bored cos all the teacher was teaching were quite...funny. so i was playing minesweeper and all these just occurred to me. trust me, i played LOTS of times to finally win it. thats why i had this idea. lol. (and thats why the text is in chinese cos well, i'm in china. even the photoshop is in chinese. gross i know.)

NP rocks.

2010-10-12T02:12:00.002+08:00

haha. rare to see me being so rara about NP but yeah. it rocks! it was only today that i found out i actually have this free VPN thing from their overseas students online thingy. and i can finally access twitter/facebook/blogger/youtube! awesome much. FOR FREE.

currently im highly hungry. you have absolutely no idea how much i miss singapore food. thanks to valerie, my whole mind is full of images of carrot cake now. sigh. :( actually china's food sama sama one lor. though cheap. haha. i really miss my mum's soups :(

yay so i can blog more regularly now! but i need to clear assignments first! soooo yeah. i'll blog about my extreme mountain climbing experience!

Pride and Prejudice.

2010-10-03T18:10:00.001+08:00

i just finished watching Keira Knightly's version of Pride and Prejudice. spent my sunday afternoon finishing it and i fell in love! so many times i was twisted and torn and really hoping it was a good ending. i HATE stories with cruel and unhappy endings! didnt read the book before, thus i was intrigued to watch this show.

i totally fell in love with Mr Darcy's character. how can you not?! you will just be so twisted on the inside by both of their love stories. that kinda 'stupid! why didnt you go for it?!' kinda emotion. and you just feel so immensely happy for them when he finally proposed again and she accepted it.

how different the concept of 'love' changed over the centuries and decades and years. love now is so much different than before. perhaps more accepting, more universal, more opportunities, more equal. but isnt it nice to sometimes be reminded of that kinda pureness and intense feelings hidden in a girl's heart for a guy, but not always showing it outrightly like how things will be now. though they didnt have the chance to take hold of their destinies, but its a completely different feel when destinies got hold of them. it is all the more sweeter, surer, and definitely more secure.

and sometimes, that is that kinda element that is lacking in love relationships these days. we get what we want too easily. what we really really want, become something that is easily attainable. and thus, it loses its flavour and the real essence of having such a want.

well, dare i say that after Darcy and Elizabeth got together, separating isnt even an option for them. because how they got together, is so much more precious than anything. and isnt that what love is all about? hmmmm. something to ponder on.

The Fall

2010-10-02T23:09:00.001+08:00

remember i shared before how i was completely and utterly consumed by a book a read this year? "The Strain". the second of the trilogy is out! OMG! I CANT WAIT TO READ IT!!!

The Strain was one of the scariest book i've ever read. and it played with my mind so much that i found it hard to read on my own at home! and its SO GOOD! it has been long since Harry Potter that i found a book i couldnt put down. and this was it! it was so gruesomely awesome. if you have the time, and into this kinda thing (it is too obvious abt the storyline if i revealed what is it about!) YOU SHOULD GET HOLD OF IT AND READ IT! promise you you wont regret it ever!

SO the second book is out! i'm dyinggggg to read it! BUT CHINA GOT NO BOOKSTORES IN LIKE 2342KM FROM ME THAT SELLS ENGLISH BOOKS. :( how i wish i'm in sg now. :(

calculated risks.

2010-10-01T00:08:00.000+08:00

was talking to lam, and she went to do this DISC test online and sent me her results. just as i predicted, she is a C as well.

that website described C as "Cautious, calculating, contemplative, and careful. This person likes for things to make sense and to understand the reasons behind things. They tend to focus on making things "right" and following a consistent process over immediate action."

after i read that, i was like WOW that described me so well in a para! haha. i think its cool that all these personality tests know you better than yourself.

now i know why i like to ask so many 'whys' and try to take steps rather than leaps.

calculated risks.

home.

2010-09-30T21:22:00.001+08:00

i miss my home. the little corner on the 4th floor of dear tampines. there is this close feeling you have when you are on familiar ground. and i miss that feeling. of going home.

i miss my sofa. though its black and unwelcoming, but it is so comfortable and i can just sleep on it the whole afternoon.

i miss my bed. i miss how soft it is but at the same time, it is hard. i miss the wholeness of it, the feeling that i own the world cos i can roll about all i want on the big queen size bed. i miss the cleanness of it. that i know my clean-freak mum will keep it dirt-free, and even if its dirty, its cos of me. so i can still rest in peace.

i miss my quilt. on how it understands that i need a nice welcoming embrace at the end of every day. i love how it gives me warmth and keep me safe every night. how it engulfs me with its hug, and telling me that tomorrow will be a better day.

i miss my toilet bowl. miss the cleanness of it, miss having it clean all the time. miss me not having to do housework and it can still be spot-free.

i miss my toilet. the showers. how it understands my exact mix of cold + hot, and i know exactly the position of the handle to give me the exact temperature. the showering thing is so unpredictable here cos i can suddenly get super cold water, and suddenly get super hot water that i'll probably scald myself and end up with 3rd degree burns or something.

i even miss the microwave and oven at home. just because i can cook just about anything in it. with all the potatoes in the world. i also miss all the pots and pans and stove. that i can cook my restaurant standard steak. and how awesome you feel after cooking something nice.

i miss my wardrobe. miss the five doors to it. miss the feeling of waking every morning looking at my wardrobe. and filling the shelves with all my clothes. i miss my full length mirror in my room. i can look at myself from the tip of my head to my toes. and i miss being able to do that, without looking retarded trying to tip-toe, jump, stretch myself, just so i can see how i look whole body.

i miss my room. the cosy little space with red ceilings and awesome lighting. the whole messy feeling of it, but yet, it is so cosy you can fall asleep right away.

:( i'm not emo la. haha. i just suddenly miss all these things back at home :( 3 more months to go!

guilty as charged.

2010-09-29T23:21:00.000+08:00

do you have your own guilty pleasures? those singers/songs that you wouldnt be caught dead in listening to them. haha. secretly enjoying them in your own comfort zone cos saying them out would be somewhat uncool and makes you totally weird.

well my uncool playlist would include lots of avril lavigne. i know i know. its so out! but i just love listening to her at times! her screamy, heck care attitude. sometimes you just need that kinda thing to let loose you know? haha. and her slow songs (some of them) are reallyyyy nice. my all time faves have got to be 'things i'll never say' and 'runaway'. i esp listen to runaway alot when i feel like the end of myself and when i just wanna give in to everything.

my playlist would also include ashlee simpson, and some atomic kitten. i know! who still listen to them right?! well i do, sometimes. i loveeee ashlee while she just started out. i really liked her first album! i thought it was well done. and erm, atomic kitten was just for old times sake. haha.

recently i've dug out a couple more that i havent listened to in YEARS. my absolute fave after so many years since secondary school is, guess what, hoobastank's the reason. it got really popular that period of time. and it is still one of my fave songs somehow over the years! whenever i listen to that song, a part of me melts. i dont know why! hahaha. and hmmm.. matchbox twenty's unwell.

one thing about me, i can never be doing and looking at one thing for a long period of time. within the last hour or so, i have started by looking at scarves online, shopping online for cardigans, to talking to my sis about apple, to editing my blog post that i wanna post, to reading a bunch of blogs i havent read for long, to surfing a graphics blog for very long, and then jumping to downloading random songs, and to stop and think about the random songs that i'm listening to, and back to scrapbooking kits online, and now youtubing music videos. my line of thoughts sure can jump to extreme ends that i dont even know how i manage to do that. and all the while while listening to old school britney hits.

PS that glee episode of britney was AWESOME!!!! I AM A CONVERTED BRITNEY FAN NOW, THOUGH TEN YEARS LATE. BUT BETTER LATE THAN NEVER RIGHT???

just that day i probably spent hours or so spamming britney's MV and replaying them over and over. and gaped at all her dance moves and abs. haha. she makes me wanna go to the gym and work out! (LOL I JUST TYPED MAKE OUT JUST NOW HAHAHA)

okay back to being the disorganised internet surfer. byeeee.

PPS i absolutely loveeeee scrapbooking! i have fallen completely in love with this craft and wish i have all the resources in the world. scrapbooking as a hobby is an expensive one! :(

tingtingtingtingtingtingtingting

2010-09-28T22:09:00.004+08:00

haha theres this very fun and awesome website http://laphotocabine.com/ you just need a webcam. that is 8 tings for you, the first few trying to figure out how that thing worked. haha. nice effectttt. and nice photobooth french woman speaking!

as i do not have access to blogger, and am like too lazy sometimes to borrow comp, so i typed out my posts as and when i have inspiration to. so do expect a whole chunk of posts every now and then. haha.

PEACE OUT.

C meeting C.

2010-09-27T21:00:00.002+08:00

I always find it very interesting to find out the degree of Cness in a person. And, being C, it is also very easy to identify one who is not.

Since i knew what C was, it has been like my secret hobby to spot C people. you'll actually start to appreciate being a C. because its all the small little details that matter and piece things together. A group working together, MUST have a C person. To go through every nitty gritty grammar mistake/punctuation error, and to just be cek ark about the alignment.

I dont know how/when did i become so concerned about Cness. but sometimes, i do appreciate it. because i LIKE being able and more likely to spotting small things. (maybe thats why i am always so good at spot the difference LOL!) but sometimes, being so C, also makes you critical and... well. judgmental even sometimes.

and all these translate to the area of housekeeping as well i realised. all those small small things, i do care alot! (that being said, lam if you are reading this i think we will be the best room mates cos of all of our weird similarities)

just last week i opened the 19 weeks present thing from the girls. and inside it they wrote 'and knowing what an organised freak you are, we got you a nice black board!' i laughed when i saw that! do i really come across as an 'organised freak'? but well after all these weeks, i realised that i am! i am a messy, lazy organised freak, if it makes any sense.

i'm a to-do list kinda person, a dumping-everything-of-the-same-category-tgt kinda person, a writing down everything i remember now so i wont forget later on kinda person. but i am also someone who wont do anything until i cant stand it kinda person. but i guess that has to do with discipline also. i am MUCH more disciplined here! strange as it is, i wake up way earlier than back in sg, am way neater than back at home. i am ALWAYS early for classes now (only once when i saw the time wrongly). haha. i guess throwing yourself in a totally different environment does wonders to yourself. seeing who you become, and its quite interesting.

okay i dont know why did i venture and talk about all these. the mind of a female is as easily distracted as an...ant?

IM DOING GOOD! SEE U ALL IN 103 DAYS!

PS i LOVE fall! and i am DYING to wear my jeffrey campbells. i miss wearing them so much! miss feeling so on top of the world! but its very kuazhang to wear to classes. and to climb those stairs up to 4/6th storeys is no joke. but i wanna wear them so much :( but i will feel so out of place in my class. this is called peer pressure.

Britney.

2010-09-26T20:18:00.000+08:00

i dont know why, but recently i am very into Britney! maybe its PITNB's fault, cos he likes britney so much! and seeing him talk about her so much, it gets to me too, and exposed me to her! and somemore, this week's glee is on britney!

only remember growing up, watching MTV, this young girl making a storm in MTV with all her hit songs and dance moves. would remember listening to all her hit songs and somehow, you just know how to sing them pretty easily! and watching all her dance moves, and be so fixated i would just stare at the tv screen for 4mins watching her.

only until recently that i started developing an interest in her. (late by 10 years i'm sorry). what intrigued me wasnt all her songs, melodies, lyrics and all. but by what this 29 year old achieved in 13 years! and whatever that happened in these 13 years, isnt normal at all.

i imagine if i were to grow up in her position, forced to be under the spotlight since forever, i dont know how i will turn out like. and she going through some really silly and hard times. when the world was super harsh to her. it was really like she alone against the world. who would really understand her inner struggles?

but she overcame all her addictions, overcame herself, overcame what the world thinks, and now stood up again, being who she really is. i think that story itself is really positive! it shows alot. shows that kinda character and strength and determination this girl has inside her core.

and i guess thats why i'm so drawn to artistes like her, and nicole richie etc. cos they truly showed the world what they are made of, and became wonderful mums.

and that got me thinking, i truly believe anyone who has got 'family' as one of their priorities and core, that individual wouldnt err very far in life. thats how important a healthy family is.

everyone has a story to tell. and it just shows no one is really that screwed up to not have a second chance at anything in life. :)

gleeeeeeeeee.

2010-09-13T21:22:00.002+08:00

its a glee night! been replaying all the glee songs. i love how intense, how relatable the series and songs are. they come to life and really speaks to you.

fave song at the moment: taking chances

But what do you say to taking chances?

What do you say to jumping off the edge?

Never knowing if there's solid ground below

Or hand to hold, or hell to pay

What do you say, what do you say?

miss 90210, glee, GG, cougar town! really anticipating them to come back!

PS i've been working hard hard! i hope to do well!

missing home!

2010-09-12T23:29:00.005+08:00

tried to pass time by playing around with photoshop. and came out with these!

sharing rooms isnt all that bad, but it has its own cons. i am pretty much a person who needs my own personal time/space. i'm not saying anything, but i guess, all of us do have our own little likes and donts right? so yeah. tonight i settled down with chen qi zhen's playlist and found peace inside of me. she brings such comfort to me.. shes so unbelievable.

after adjusting to life after a week, things are pretty much going well here. only focus here is to study, shop, eat. that is basically what we do everyday. it is quite a different feeling from when i was in singapore. when i had to sometimes care for so many things you forget who you are. but here, you arent able to control anything thats happening back in sg, so you are kinda forced to be left alone. and sometimes, it is good medicine for the soul.

slow-paced. thats how life is here right now. but i guess things will change when projects start to bomb in.

all these aside, i really hate how china is so mac unfriendly! down to internet banking to everything else. i have to depend on my friends' windows, and i hate being reliant on windows! but that just kinda shows how china is slowly being more developed i guess.

walking down the streets that day, observing the manner and the way of life these wuhan people have, it kinda brought me thinking. civilization, culture, technology, the people, government, etc. all these change little by little over the months, years, decades, centuries. we are lucky to be in singapore, where we have been growing so rapidly and so in tune with globalisation. but being here, really allow your eyes to see, the process that china is going through, to establish their own world. the people are still learning, the transportation is still under construction, and there are still lots of changes this country have to go through to 'get there'. the people i've met, they were all so curious about singapore. how is it like there, the economy etc.

being in a country with 5000 years history, and becoming where they are today. it is a great deal of process. learning in classes those very events that happened on the same ground that i am standing on, sometimes makes it feel so surreal. but i guess, thats the whole beauty of it all. china is one unique country.

PS big congrats to xiaoting and peter! was so excited when he facebook messaged me about it. you are finally getting married. i still cant get myself around it! anticipating a great wedding, and lots of changes for you as you embark on the next phase of your life :) knew you for about 6 years, and the time has finally come! you are way too fast for me to catch on! but congrats anyway! :)

change.

2010-08-26T23:44:00.002+08:00

+

if there is anything in life, that i am always finding it hard to come to terms with, is this word called 'change'. i am not a 'change' person. never am. i take a longgggg time to adapt to change. and i take an even longer time to prep myself to 'change'.

and even as i evaluated myself, i found that i can be so stuck in the past, hoping that things wont change, that it affected how i react presently. i am sometimes, in my own world so much so that i can like kinda psycho myself things havent changed. yeap, that phrase probably is for me to 'move on'.

and the one thing that is making me so apprehensive about going to china, is probably this word too. i am so afraid that when i return, so much will change. in my relationships, in anything. and that is one thing that is stopping me from going. and it sucks even more when i know, theres nothing i can do about it.

yeah i know. people can keep going on about how, change is good, change is the only constant, etc. being stuck in the past isnt good, we must look to the future etc. but come on, this is just me. this is one of my weak points. i am always caught off guard when it comes to changes. i always create my own perfect little world in my imagination when things havent changed.

i guess everyone's mad in their own way.

unrelated.

2010-08-21T01:57:00.002+08:00

i've all along been very excited about fashion. guess i'm not those woahh fashion week/models/new collection etc kinda 'into' fashion, but just excited about being exposed to new ideas. but well, which girl isnt right?!

and i guess that was why i wanted to go to apparel design initially. but hmmm not my calling after all. hahaha.

and, i've always have alot of opinions about the clothes to wear/not to wear. normally on different situations i'm not that kind who'll voice out my opinion or feel strongly about something, but this is one area that i have my strong beliefs and ideas. (and i am always criticizing everyone on the streets on what they wear secretly in my heart, its my hobby. of course there are some i want to learn from, but in sg, hard to find!)

thus when a couple of years ago we all ventured into fashion bloggers era, i started following a few of them. and seen how each of them grew throughout. and some of them really have a special place in my heart. like i'll always yearn to look like them! (of course not being someone else la, but i really like their style) and i realised, i've collected more than 1000 pics in my comp!

i can just spend hoursssssss looking through all the pictures and visualizing myself in them, where can i get the exact pieces, how can i match the clothes in such a way etc. haha.

sigh. actually theres no point in this post la. just that i really wish i was a millionaire so i can just order away online and have awesome clothes :( but then again, if i was a millionaire, i wouldnt be tingting already. lol.

soooooooo i was making lots of mental notes about what clothes to still get to survive through winter in Wuhan. thats pretty much my motivation of going. thinking of that certain type of coat/knee high socks (oh yes i'm gonna wear that in china cos its not sg right?! lol!)/jeans etc. haha.

life's so exciting with pretty clothes! :D

COUGAR TOWN!

2010-08-04T01:27:00.002+08:00

oh well. i'm super distracted from doing work. well its not like the first day you know tingting huh. haha.

so hellooooo. havent been the most hardcore blogger ever since i started internship. funny how work sucks all the energy out of you. its not even funny already when you feel so drained you just wanna quit.

so anyhow. i'm doing my report and final presentation now. hopefully it goes well.. i hate doing stupid things like this honestly. like dissecting my whole internship and presenting 5 months worth of shit for people to be happy. i mean like, seriously?! i dont mind doing essays/reports about how like maybe the iPhone changed the world or stuff like that. rather than how erm, my internship helped me grow up in life. or like, how did CHS help me apply stuff that i learn in my internship. or like erm, how the industry is growing. sigh.

and its 5000 words worth! excluding the summary part. sigh.

so well. nothing's up with life recently. just that i have been pretty much hooked up on this new show that i found, called Cougar Town. it makes me such a happy girl i can stay home all day to finish it. but now i'm pretty dreading it cos i'm like, 5 episodes away from the ending and i dont like having any withdrawal symptoms so... i dont know what to do :(

after choinging this stupid thing, i've got a stupid 3D2N camp to attend next week. and minusing all these unnecessary stuff, i've got not much time left before i officially FLY. there are SO many things i wanna do! but time is not on my side!

its kinda scary that i'm flying off so soon. i dont wanna go :(
i'm only looking forward to all the winter clothing :(
superficial, i know.

superficiality!

2010-07-12T05:12:00.003+08:00

Hi, i HAVE TO get this out of my system before i sleep. or i'll sleep without peace.

it PISSES me off when girls support teams and watch WC because of guys. and go all 'ahhh torres coming on now! villa!' etc etc. and scream/shout for them JUST COS THEY LOOK GOOD. in actual fact, they DONT EVEN KNOW anything about the players at all.

granted, i've backslided from my first love for a few months now. but i think i've got enough soccer experience to have a right to feel pissed. because it is SO superficial and just trying to look cool/sound cool watching soccer and all. URGH.

but then again, first match i've watched since i moved here. and i must say i still love the intensity of the game, and the emotions. the tactics, the players, the team, the unity. soccer has NEVER BEEN about a cute guy/a couple of nice looking chaps. it HAS ALWAYS BEEN a team, strategies, etc. and i dont know why but i feel very cheapened when i see girls just kinda... anyhow support, watch WC cos of guys etc.

i think i'm being very lol and ridiculous here but it really gets to me. i even msged eugene ang in the middle of the match to complain and he even agreed with me. lol!

just cos you watch soccer for WC doesnt make you cool!

pfffftttt okay. i let out the angsty side of me alr.
looking forward to new season!!
liverpool is where my heart really belongs <3 (lemme do this for once)

guess i am not much of a 'country' supporter to start with, thus i didnt get involved in all the hooha. my first ever team that i supported was Brazil in 2002. but after that, i couldnt find a reason to anymore. and... i've always been a Gerrard thus England kinda girl. but hmmm... i am just a Liverpool kinda girl after all. LOL.

----

2010-07-11T22:09:00.002+08:00

2010-07-07T23:38:00.002+08:00

每当我感到一点感性的时候，我最想用中文来表达。
承认，自己的水准不好。但是它是一个让我感到最亲切的语言。

（在读下去之前，一句话：请不要这么快下判断。）

最近总觉得迷失了自己。在茫茫人海中，找不到自己存在的意义。突然感到，成长是多么累人的事。不是说自己任性不想长大，但是发现自己越大，更不了解自己。成长的路上，自己内心的挣扎和疑问，那么的复杂...很多时候都不知该用什么话来形容自己的感受和心情。

你可以说，其实婷婷一向来都不善于表达。
我现在最想最想的事，就是回到最初点。
回到没有包袱，没有担忧，没有任何别人对自己的期望的最初点。
回到真正的自己... 回到不必理别人怎么摆布你... 回到不必理任何规则、不必去想别人会怎么看待自己... 回到不需要对任何人交代，只需要对自己坦白... 回到...

总觉得自己的一面，和自己另外一面一直不停地拉扯。
一面，是‘我应该...’的那一面。
另一面，是‘我应该...’的相反。
一面不断地提醒自己正确的方式应该这样。我这么想是错误的，我这么做是不对的...
另一面，就是非常疲倦的那一面。很想很想把另一面撕破，不想照着任何规矩生活。不想听别人怎么说我的人生应该怎么样活。它知道别人会怎么想、会怎么看。但是它不想理会，它只想逃避生命的一切‘应该’。

如果我累了，我应该－－－
现在20岁了，我应该－－－
长大了，应该－－－
事情不应该这样解决，应该－－－
这样子错了！你应该－－－
快要毕业了，未来怎么样？应该－－－
看你到了这种程度，应该－－－，做这个，做那个。

总觉得在每一个地方，都有一定的‘框框’限定我们。
一种人们认为‘对’的方式，来定游戏规则。
如有人犯规，马上有一大堆的人批评，指责。替这个人‘玩’。
在他背后，说他哪一个地方出错了牌，他应该怎么样，怎么样。
一脸不满，一脸自认为会玩得更好的表情。

那么，有没有人试着把自己化身为受害者想想和体会？
这世界有那么多的规则和不是了，是不是责骂、指责，就会比较好过些？

一切的一切...
我不知道自己在找什么，我不知道自己要证明什么。

我只知道，自己最后从心底真正开心的一次，不知有多久以前。

我只想真的快乐...

自己复杂的心情，有时连自己都...不明白。

dont judge me.
dont even try to understand when you dont.

this is life.

2010-07-04T22:18:00.003+08:00

you know you havent been blogging much, when you type 'b' into your address bar and there isnt any 'blogger.com' in your list. and when you type 'd' and your own blog 'dingting8.blogspot.com' doesnt appear in the list anymore too.

i havent been really in touch with my inner thoughts and self recently, thus the lack of posts and all. i felt that i've been losing myself, not myself recently. all the work is sucking me up. i have always been someone who does what i want, do what i feel like. if i dont feel the purpose and the reason why, i get really burnt out easily and i will become so tired. just like ADM when i first started, and all the different jobs i've had. this is no exception. the production line needs alot of passion to keep staying on. i'm not one who can just repeatedly do what i'm supposed to do.. for the sake of money, for the sake of anything. if my inner self is not happy in what i'm doing, i easily get so frustrated and i go into a 'recline' kinda mood. and i guess, the answer is pretty obvious. i wont be doing the production line in the future. but i guess, its good for learning and experience. not many people get to witness and observe the back scenes in this industry so i'm thankful i'm able to. but i also cant wait for it to end.

i miss those lazy days.. waking up without any plans for the day, and just go along with the day. doing what i like, and enjoying every me moment. i seldom got time for me moments nowadays. and its getting on me. when i dont spend enough time with myself, i easily feel unrested and i feel like i'm a mess. when i feel that my personal space is invaded by work, stress etc.

and i noticed another thing. i became much much more short-tempered after all these. i flare up so easily nowadays. maybe i dont display it, but i sure am burning inside of me. and just the littlest of thing gets to me and i'll feel super irritated by them. but then again, after a while, i find myself silly and try to reason out myself.

during my one month break before flying off, i'll make sure i make full use of it.

btw, i'm flying off 3rd sept, coming back 7th january. ahhhhhhh.

the world.

2010-06-18T23:27:00.003+08:00

J resigned today. Y is going to, tmr. so far, i've witnessed 9 people leaving. had alot of feelings and thoughts abt the whole thing, but it kinda got lost somewhere. there are... 6 more weeks left. and these 5 months seem like the hardest going ever in my life. i've never met anyone like this in my life, other than my dad. but that was entirely different. was just kinda reflecting on the whole thing.

realised that sometimes, even when you gave your best, it doesnt mean that it'll be appreciated and often it goes unnoticed. i've got so many awesome leaders over me in church, that for a period of time, i couldnt comprehend how can anyone really be that mean outside church. maybe i've always been in a sheltered, encouraging place, so when placed in such a negative environment, i had alot of problems and issues at first.

what i was super discouraged about at first, was that i felt i wasnt being really recognized for who i am, what i am good at. and that sucks. being deemed as this impossible and 没有用 person, it wasnt exactly the most flattering place to go to everyday.

but after taking time to reflect and think through, the existence of such people in my life is necessary. it is precisely these kinda people in your life that sifts the good out in you. it has the opposite effect, it brings out much positivity than negativity.

i asked J a few days ago, so what have you learned while working here. she answered, she learnt how to obey and submit, even when she really dont want to. and i was quite impressed.

to others, it may seem foolish to obey and submit to someone such as this. the normal reaction would be, to talk back, argue back, fight. but if you were to think more, it produces much patience in you. and just like what another colleague said, 'you learn how to be bullet-proof'.

even at the end of the day, i think the greatest lesson i've learnt is that my life and abilities are not defined by what others may think or say. i know what i am good at, and i'm proud of it. if you have this absolute confidence in you, nothing can get you down. so i'm at peace, i'm totally fine, and i will endure for these 6 weeks.

just like what my ex-colleague said, i may not learn anything while i am here, but at least i learnt what NOT to do.

sometimes, the greatest naysayer may be your greatest encourager.

red heart balloons.

2010-06-15T00:07:00.002+08:00

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i would so totally do this for my wedding! releasing red heart balloons into the sky! such a happy and beautiful and memorable way to celebrate it!

i think one of my weaknesses is the inability to make a decision. when making decisions, i am sometimes so indecisive that i cant stand myself. and i do get frustrated with myself for being like that too cos i hate indecisiveness, but ironically, i am one. i think i got better over the years, i used to be much worst. working on it :)

i really cant wait for july 30th.

2010-06-06T23:26:00.003+08:00

hi... just thought of updating this little humble space of mine.

just suddenly dawned upon me the xxx amount of money i start spending on skincare/cosmetics. adding clothes, i spent xxx in recent months too. and add the occasional nail polish splurge, xx is gone too. whenever i walk pass craft shops, i'll tend to spend xx on them too.

adding them all up, i'm just kinda overwhelmed how high my expenses are going. being a woman is really no cheap stuff.

on a side note, really sad all the shows are going for their summer break now. :( no more things to look forward to on tues/wed. only left last episode of glee!

just painted my nails a mushroomy colour. cant decide how do i feel abt them now, let me live with it for a day first. haha. but this is a colour i have been pinning on since forever so i'm happy! only left with grey, and i would be a happy girl (but not satisfied i think). hahaha.

being a good boss is so impt.

2010-06-05T03:41:00.004+08:00

feeling so !!!!!! and i need a place to rant. seriously whats up with her?! another person with big communication problem and yet always sees it as other people's fault. ya la always us interns fault. spent the whole day searching and doing ur storyboard, end up totally not what u want. um, at the beginning when u saw us doing, u could have just explained one by one what u are looking for right? isnt this wasting time by redoing the whole thing? i really find it so unnecessary and i think it just boils down to poor communication. and its so even more frustrating when theres nothing i can do about it. and having to see all your black faces and being pissed off when actually i didnt even do anything wrong. i just find it really ridiculous how you direct your anger and you get so upset over matters like these. i know who i am and i know what i'm good at. but you make me totally feel so lousy sometimes. please know what you exactly want, and please communicate to your employees exactly. and please LISTEN to your employees! or else unnecessary work needs to be done and i really find it very frustrating cos i was really looking forward to the weekends and having a good rest finally but i need to stay up to do all these. i havent been sleeping well since AC and i kinda need it alot. just being all pmsy and grumpy here. argh. shall do what i could have done this AFTERNOON now! ARGH! all of you reading please be a NICE and UNDERSTANDING boss next time!!!

pre AC

2010-05-26T01:18:00.003+08:00

just wanna blog this out before i zonk out. my pre-AC feelings.

it was a very mixed feeling to be honest. and really seeing all the backstage people slogging so hard before AC preparing the 1001 million things is really an eye-opener. people still working hard beyond 1/2/3am that sort. grateful that once again i am able to serve, but this time kinda feeling a little bit worn out even before the whole thing begins. i guess there is a reason for 'one week' instead of 'three days' because tonight i can definitely feel the after effects of it finally. just pray that i'll have enough energy and all to last me thru these 5 days. i need the concentration and the sharpness. maybe because i attended rehearsals these two days, so the excitement kinda wore off. but i guess when the real thing starts there would be. and seriously, it is so amazing to see the kinda sacrifices people make for this AC. all the different departments, ministries etc. there isnt one who didnt put in any hard work for this AC. i love backstage.

so hello to early calltimes, late nights home again. plus all the cabs. and waking-up-at-5ams.

it is gonna be good cos lots of people worked so so hard for this.
it is gonna be good cos well, its AC!

need lots of grace!

okay only left 3.5h left to sleep!

---

2010-05-21T22:10:00.002+08:00

it was a really surreal experience on thurs. realised everything had to happen 'in spite of'. no matter how scared/anxious i am, things still have to go on.

probably it is very hard for anyone to understand, but i have had lots of mixed feelings these couple of days. 'what ifs' and fears, mixed with lots of other stuff. got me quite messed up that i needed to distract myself today, by.. guess what? painting my nails and doing random stuff like making a tissue flower.

feeling of aloneness is pretty evident esp today. so i kinda slept it all away. helps when the painkillers do have drowsiness effects. scared for the week to come, if you were to ask me. but.. hope for the better yeah?

only good thing about being 'sick' is that somehow, you have the rights to demand anything. today i just randomly smsed my mum to tell her that i'm craving for spaghetti and asked if shes cooking tonight. she replied, 'be home at 6'. and voila! came home with all the sauces and she whipped up such a big bowl of spaghetti with all my fave mushrooms and egg and tomatoes. it was yummy. felt x1000 better instantly.

gonna try to take a bath now. wish me luck.

under the weather but not underneath.

2010-05-17T04:36:00.003+08:00

+

perfect for weather like this. raining, me snugly in bed. BUT not sleeping. i am doing my report and explains why i'm awake at this ungodly hour. havent been up this late since 10238432 years ago.

每天都是一种练习

2010-05-17T01:05:00.004+08:00

i wanted to post these pics for the longest of time that i dont even remember where did i find all these pictures.

listened to her new song, listening to her old songs. there is just this deep admiration for her. i relate to her so much. if i can choose who i want to be, i would probably choose to be her. (not that it makes any sense, but you get me.) she just... inspires me..

and maybe thats the beauty of chinese. the use of words, the impression it leaves behind. the impact the words can make. the irony that i'm saying and blogging all these in english.

and.. there is just something about her voice.. how it pierces through to your innermost and resonates. and there is something so tender about a girl, singing and playing a guitar, just doing what she loves. and she is always so humble and shy!

all these aside, she does have the perfectest hair.

i just adore and love her so much.

PS. i think i am a blessed girl. i have so many people to look up to in some many areas and on so many levels. :)

space.

2010-05-15T00:36:00.000+08:00

i wanted to blog abt this a few days ago but didnt have the time. but after today, i felt even more about this.

even as we go through life, discovering new things, new places, new grounds. we do discover lots of traits and things about ourselves too. and even as we take the time to discover ourselves, i always thought that it takes a lifetime to find out about yourself. i guess cos things are always changing, thus we do change too. and different circumstances, you'll find different sides of yourself coming out.

if you realise, all of us have got so many sides in each of us, the 101 different tingtings living in one tingting. some really amazing, some really cool, some really funny, some just crappy, some trashy, some just plain unbelievable in the bad way. and all these different sides live in the same body and same person.

and, it takes us to accept and love ourselves in every single 'tingting' and side. people grow in love and acceptance, not condemnation. i believe the same applies to ourselves too. it is easy to love ourselves when we are just really good and amazing, but do you still love yourself when you are down and out and the terrible side shows?

i feel that sometimes we are just too hard on ourselves. our imperfections, our weaknesses. we refuse to accept ourselves in that way, cos we dont want to be that way. and maybe, it will in turn lead to self-condemnation, self-blame, self-inflicted pain.

sometimes, the most amazing thing to do is to give it space. give yourself space. to be who you are. even the most imperfect side of yourself. just let it be. acknowledge that you do have such a side in you, knowing is already the first step. then give it space, to grow. even as you learn to let go, to not be so harsh on yourself, you will start to realise those imperfections do have a chance to go away.

who says you cant be imperfect? who says you must always lie and be another you, when you are actually like that?

just be yourself, discover the 101 different sides in you. when you find an imperfect one, dont panic, dont be too harsh, dont be too quick to blame yourself and judge. just let that side of you be.

space. breathing space.
and patience and understanding will flow.

i'd say yes to these.

2010-05-11T15:50:00.002+08:00

+

i think these are soo pretty i melted when i saw them quite some time ago. i'd really say yes. something unique other than diamonds. loveee.

the one and only birthday list.

2010-05-07T23:42:00.003+08:00

i seriously dont normally do this. in fact, never done before. but this year, i really really strongly feel that people should spend their money wiser if they are going to spend at all, so i just randomly thought of this guide to help you along.

this is if, you wanna buy something la (which you are strongly encouraged to). i not so bhb one. i just trying to make the job easier for anyone who is interested in buying. if not interested its seriously fine with me one, just that working adults like wong cek ark is the exception.

Category 1.

1. Topshop Vouchers.

2. Zara Vouchers.
reasoning: pls dont tell me 'vouchers very insincere' etc cos i dont buy it. IMO, it is the sincerest gift ever, so pls do not hesitate.

Category 2.
3. Japanese washi tapes (hint: i already have the pink/black striped ones.)
4. Pretty paper (think floral, polka dots etc.)
5. Pretty ribbons.
reasoning: stock and spoil me with all these and i ensure you, you'll have alot prettier cards in the future. provided that my brain can connect inspiration + hands on.

Category 3. (if all else fails)
6. Yellow polka dot quilt cover from IKEA (queen size)
7. OPI Nail Polish (solve the riddle for polishes i want: YDKJ, GADTK, GOG, JITNB, base coat.)
8. 1 month sponsorship for Mr. Bean pearly soya daily. (month of June and July are up for grabs.)
9. Buy-all-i-need-and-want trips.

i'll be pretty much VERY happy with categories 1 & 2 fully stocked up. category 2 very easy one la. just go any craft shop and keep buying your budget's worth can alr. category 1 best also. hahahaha.

and OF COURSE:

10. Money (in all sorts of form are welcome, cheque, ibank, cash, etc. i'm a very versatile person.)

i'll be the world's happiest girl if these ten items are fulfilled. so just... draw lots and pick a number eh? hahaha. remember the saying goes, it is better to give than to receive. HAHAHA. keedingggg la. hahaha. and seriously, please dont be paiseh to give vouchers, i really welcome them with open arms. even NTUC vouchers. serious.

PS. this is absolutely free will giving.

i need more time!

2010-05-06T23:33:00.002+08:00

just wanna say i feel super disconnected with the world or something now. havent blogged for a few days, havent read my emails properly, havent read ALOT of blogs, havent caught up with all the stuff going on. plus i havent watch my shows!

okay soon soon. i'll have the time soon.

ok now for bed! way past bedtime!

i post large pictures just cos i can.

2010-04-26T00:35:00.005+08:00

OKAY! i said i was going to bed at 12am but i cant resist. goodness me! i dont know what came over me but i'm sooooooo obsessed with DIY stuff nowadays like seriously! now how i wish i got loads of time to try all these ideas!! and giving to random people!

i wanna try making

homemade jams, just so i can use those PRETTY labels
buy marshmallows/anything and put them into packets, just so i can use those bag toppers!
make lotssssss of birthday cards!
make lots of different party invitation cards!
buy tea leaves and jars just so i can use those tea labels!!
bake a cake, just so i can use those fab diy template to give away to people!
self make lip balms/body scrubs/bath fizzles just so i can package them prettily and give them to people!
print wraparound envelope labels, and paste them on white/brown envelops just because they are SO pretty!!
strong urge to tear away every oil/vinegar/soy sauce bottle labels in the kitchen and paste them with pretty ones just because that are THAT pretty!!
make popcorn so that i can put them into brown bags and print labels to stick on the bags!
have an ice cream parlour party, just cos its SOOOO adorable and pretty!!!
make origami heart invites! soooo detailed and cool!
make my own postcards/notebooks!
make lots of gift tags!

THE ice cream parlour!! how awesome and exciting is it?! see what i mean?!

i'm dying of prettiness. if theres such a thing. now i feel that seriously, 24h is not enough! i havent been this obsessed and excited in a long while!

okay im REALLY going to sleep now, while dreaming of pretty stuff. night!!!

stamps. :)

2010-04-25T01:00:00.003+08:00

i was making a mental note to myself today of a new series of things i would like to collect. then i was recalling back what i used to collect, and i realised it was a trait since young.

saw these lovelies on a website that i happened to pass by. and i immediately recalled my childhood favourite hobby. brought back soooo many good memories.

before i was born, my dad was an avid stamp collector. he had many stamp albums and was very proud of them. when i was of age to understand what are stamps, he used to show me all his albums, and explain to me where the different stamps came from. he would have this whole stack of uncategorised stamps, and we would spend the whole sunday afternoon categorising them. we would sort them out according to their types, like there was this booklet on faces, another on plants, another on fishes/animals, and just some random ones. and we would arrange them according to their colours.

every other day when my dad opened the mailbox, i would excitedly run to him, and take out all those which had stamps on them, put them aside, and tear out the stamps on the envelopes. we would accumulate one whole stack together. i was most excited when my dad or mum received a mail from overseas, because that meant more stamps, and even more unique ones. i remember i would exclaim out loud if there was any new stamp that we do not have in the albums, and would run around showing everyone in the family.

we would sit down, dad and daughter, with a pail of water, soak all the torn out stamps into it to separate the paper and glue, patiently wait, rub away any excess glue, and lay it out on newspaper to dry. after waiting, sorting them in categories, and slot them into their respective places in the albums. that was one of my favourite days in my growing up time. we do that almost once every month. but every sunday, i would excitedly ask my dad, "can we do the stamps today?!", and my dad would only say yes if we had collected enough.

one of my favourite things was to sit there, and listen to his stories as well. sometimes he could even remember how the different stamps came from, and he would explain and tell me all the details. i really loved that.

eventually, that hobby of mine died away when singapore post came out with same and recurring stamps, without any variety or uniqueness anymore. and when lesser and lesser people mailed letters to my mum or dad, comprising mostly of automated stamped thing that bills and bank accounts use. and finally, we stopped altogether.

it was bittersweet recalling all these memories.. wonder where are all those stamp albums now. its quite a sad thing now all these is slowly dying away, i guess thats why i still love sending mails.. (yes i hear you jiaxin). it was especially bittersweet cos this is one of the few good memories i still have... stamps... :) i guess i always have a soft spot for this kinda thing..

need more money + time!

2010-04-24T02:33:00.001+08:00

i finally bought my noticeboard-like board today from artfriend. been procrastinating for the past, 6 months?! (its alot bigger, just some random pic i got from the net)

i have a 1001 ideas buzzing through my head now, with my laptop containing so many new pictures and downloads that i am dying to try. these few days i almost spent the whole day going through websites after websites looking at lots of exciting stuff. wonder if my new rectangle love can contain so many ideas! but i really wanna try! so exciting to see a blank board transforming into something of a personality :)

but first gotta find the time and resources! now i really wish my printer was in colour instead of black and white :(

i'm really really excited for my new adventure. wondering how it'll turn out. i also have an idea to transform my wall into like this:

(pardon for the low quality pics i am too blurry eyed to use photobucket now)

cool huh! but i guess that project will have to wait! after my board thing first. but erm, actually, how do i drill a hole into my wall? will there be any side effects or is it totally safe huh?

okay yawnssss. sleep now. wayyyyyyy past my bedtime.

funny how i get so hyped up about decorating my room when its like, already 6 months i'm staying here. (note to self: still procrastinating about quilt cover/proper table/bookshelf! ahhhh! ok i will get it done soon.)

inspired!

2010-04-23T12:28:00.002+08:00

i've been on a roll lately! added so many new blogs to my blogroll and discovering lots of design blogs, mostly wedding invites. and they are so pretty i almost died looking at them and wanting to get married asap. omg! since i have so much free time now, i spent hours n hours surfing them and wowing at all the pictures! loves loves loves. am going to hop to artfriend soon soon or somewhere!

sharing some of my faves:

1.
http://www.i-do-it-yourself.com/

this is my absolute fave! jumped and saw lots of things i would like to try just for fun. theres lots to explore! mostly it comprises of DIY stuff from other sites. so you can keep linking up!

2.
http://www.puglypixel.com/

i have a soft spot for this kinda scrapbooking thing. and the website is love! she does provide lots of freebies to download, and lots of other random pretty stuff. :) loveeeee!

3.
http://ohhellofriend.blogspot.com/

her blog is just... love. period. her engagement pictures are so prettyyyyyy.

4.

http://www.cutetape.com/

i think i am in love with tapes. wherever do you find these japanese washi tapes in singapore?? is it those random tapes that is findable? or are these another kind?

but anyhow, if i own like, a whole collection of these japanese washi tapes, i would be the happiest girl alive.

5.
http://littlebrownpen.blogspot.com/

this is like a photography blog kinda thing. i love reading her comments and scrolling through her pictures. :)

actually there are alot more, but i am too lazy cos they are all in my RSS feeds. (how would i do wouldnt RSS feed seriously?) but yeah, getting inspired and motivated to move my lazy self to see what i can do... :)

me.

2010-04-20T22:38:00.002+08:00

the most un-tingting thing happened in tingting's everyday 9-6 life. something that i think is quite rare for me to do, something that i guess never happened before in this context?

i dont think that i am ever a rash person, i always almost think about every possibility and outcome before i make any decision or do anything serious. and most of the time, i'll just let things be and not care.

on that day, i took a very long time to think long and hard before i did anything. thought about the situation, about the outcomes, about the options that i have before me. and that afternoon, i was asked to go to the post office. with 倔强 playing in my ears on repeat mode, i thought even further. i thought about being right or wrong. i thought about making the right or wrong decision. i thought what would be considered rash. i thought what would be appropriate and 'right' in this situation.

and i also checked my heart, and played back each incident that happened, and asked myself if there was anything that i feel i could have done better, or let myself down. i checked my attitudes, i checked my intentions.

i just felt that, for whatever that happened, i did it because for once, i wanted to stand up for myself. i could have just allowed it to pass and just let it go. but there was a very strong feeling inside of me, that rejected this idea strongly. for once, i wanted change, i wanted to have a say. i didnt want to continue everyday life as it is, even if it was to continue like this, i didnt want things to continue without her knowing what i wanted to say.

and was just thinking to myself, even if i made a mistake, let me learn, let me be taught. but i just wanted to not be sorry to myself, and just learn to stand up for once.

and i admit, i did learn alot from this. reflecting on it today (and i'm kinda glad the meeting didnt take place today or i wouldnt have this period of time to think thru and reflect), i may not have chose the best option, and i will apologise. and, i did learn alot in other ways too. how to control and dont be rash etc.

maybe people think its foolish or immature of me doing that. maybe lots of people think i made the wrong decision. but seriously, in a lot of situations, there isnt any right/wrong, and there can be lots of better options too. but in my stance, i did what i felt was right. even if it turns out otherwise, i'm willing to learn i'm willing to change. doing something, for me, for once.

now i'm just leaving everything into God's hand. i did what i can, now its not my own fight anymore. as long as i can stand blameless before God. and let this whole thing make me a better person.

sis' birthday tmr. wondering if i shld go sleep now, or i shld make her a card. or i shld do that tmr instead. hmmm. lol.

im tired physically/mentally in a way. tired of defending myself. for one last time on thurs.

i really love mayday. :)

2010-04-18T22:59:00.005+08:00

they are like the best pics i can find online of ytd.. :(

prior to the concert, i was struggling real hard if i should go for it. money issues. but at the last minute, i still went ahead with it, although bought only the $38 tic. when i went into the stadium, for the first time ever, i was seriously disappointed. i was a bit like hmmmm. cos my seat sucks. but well it IS $38 afterall. but i did expect alot more. so half of my excitement was gone alr. what with the rain and it delayed the schedule big time. to be honest, i wasnt used to my sucky seats, cos i ALWAYS had really really good seats. thanks to my sis' friend. and counting, this is my 7th mayday concert, 6 i had super good seats. so you can imagine la. lol.

i felt so far away from the action and excitement, and ah xin was as small as my fingernails. i was seriously quite sad. my section was so cut off! and i couldnt see the stage properly. :( but yeah.. i just treated it as my ktv session. i sang loud! but very out of tune. hehe.

i always pride myself in saying that i'm NOT the ordinary fan. you wont see me splurging on their merchandise, buying all those shirts, screaming just to touch one of them (okay la i will get excited la but not in that way!), and just you know... typical fans. haha. so hmmm yes, i am still very much a fan, but a different sort. if there is ever this kinda genre.

overall, i really enjoyed myself. the fireworks was the best part. it was so pretty! the lights, and all. super wow. seeing how high it can go in the sky.

i just gotta say, i really really love mayday so much. it was such an endearing moment, to sit there and see it coming to pass. ah xin was saying 10 years ago, they were informed they are going overseas first time and to singapore to perform, and they did. since then they wished to have an outdoor concert, and ytd, they did.

just was thinking, wow 10 years! imagine how much they've accomplished in these 10 years! from a nobody, to where they are now. with practically no concert effects, to all those fireworks and the acts. even though every year when the concert is bigger, the distance between us is greater, but i truly felt so proud.

i guess to be able to conquer the outdoor stadium (not the whole thing), in such a small country like singapore does speak alot. in a big country, of course its easy to fill out the whole place, but such a place as singapore, it does give alot of satisfaction. considering that mandopop is not the only music here. so yes, i was so proud. :)

(oh, reading the book that i am now + mayday pounding away in your ears, seriously that is one of the most liberating thing to your soul ever. i felt so so liberated. freedom. cos the book + mayday's direction runs together and it is truly inspiring.)

i guess i can always identify so much with mayday because they've always been 'mad' in their own way. they have touched and inspired me in ways unimaginable. they are the living example of alot of things that people dare not pursue. they have such power in their hands, to impact the lives of so many. more than enjoying the concert, i always applaud their efforts of trying to convince more people, even if its one, to live out their lives, to break out of the norm, and to love. it is no easy task.

and i was just thinking the other day, how hard it is, to be in their position and their stature, to keep churning things out to inspire, to excite, to create. because it means it must be greater, it must be better, it must be fresher. but well, they did it. again and again and again. and to dream again and again, conquering new grounds, spreading their beliefs. because more than all these, they are deep people themselves. okay, i speak for ah xin only cos i guess i only seen him before this way.

i dont know why am i always so attracted to people like this, but well. he is one love of my life that i'll forever admire. and well, i always wondered what is it like to be living their lives. to always be living on the edge, to always do what you love, everyday, living it to the extreme. must be really cool.

okay such a long post. should stop now. but just got to say again, i really love mayday alot. :) and i promised myself and made a deal with surina to never again miss their concert, and to always splurge on their tics cos its so worth it. but then again, $168 x 6, i think i spent more than a thousand on them alr plus cds n dvds etc. wow! price to pay for a fan! but its all WORTH it.

the happier people can be, the unhappier they are.

2010-04-15T23:38:00.005+08:00

am currently 3/4 into a book, and it provoked me in a way. and i thought alot about the book, its content and what it is trying to bring across. kinda curious what the ending is though.

there were 3 cases of psychiatric patients in the book, describing their road to 'madness' and how they ended up in a mental hospital. and that got me thinking alot.

just how powerful is our mind?

it seems that it can inflict and manipulate us to have panic, depression, psychosis, be schizophrenic etc? we dont know the limits that our minds can take us. but reading the cases of psychiatric patients, it seems that, they allowed themselves at one point of their lives, to give in to this 'mind' thing. so is it true that all cases can be avoided by simply positivity and a stronger mind?

when that thought first came, i thought it was naivety and absurd cos erm, what about psychology right? and all.

but ytd during BS kim hock said that none of us was born unhappy or depressed, and that happiness sometimes is a choice, not just a feeling. he said that kids are always happy, only unhappy times 1) diapers 2) hunger 3) sick, therefore we can always make the choice to be happy. and isnt it true that eventually as we grow up, we experience so many different things, that we sometimes forget what being happy is all about. our default mood since young should be happy right? and somehow, we just allowed ourselves to choose otherwise.

so does it apply for grown ups too? is it true that by controling our own minds, we can have such power that is unimaginable? instead of letting our minds control us.

but yeah i know, easier said than done. experienced it myself. but perhaps that is why decisions are so vital and important, and choices are so essential.

-----

okay that being said, i love love loveeeeeeee my new nail polish colour. hong kong collection from OPI, Suzi Says Fengshui. super chio. :) it is like ice soy chai latte - it gets better by the sip.

you know how nice it is to admire your own nails here and then? such pretty colours cheer you up at ANY time. thus you see, the importance of pretty nails. and thats why me buying polishes = an investment for a better life. :)

(okay PS i just pinky promised myself - after this round of books i WILL go back to read my chinese books. promise.)

2010-04-14T12:23:00.002+08:00

早上查电邮看到这个，心情开心起来。哈哈。我爱陈绮贞。warm n fuzzy feelinggg.

we are all mad in our own way.

2010-04-12T22:39:00.002+08:00

hehehe. i think this pic is incredibly amazing and funny. haha.

something i got from a book:

----------------------------------

'Anyone who lives in their own world is mad. Like schizophrenics, psychopaths, maniacs. I mean people who are different from others.'

'Like you?'

'On the other hand,' Zedka continued, pretending not to have heard the remark, 'you have Eintstein, saying that there was no time or space, just a combination of the two. Or Columbus, insisting that on the other side of the world lay not an abyss but a continent. Or Edmund Hillary, convinced that a man could reach the top of Everest. Or the Beatles, who created an entirely different sort of music and dressed like people from another time. Those people - and thousands of others - all lived in their own world.'
----------------------------------

haha after i read the whole thing i was laughing to myself and thought of kt's reaction if he read this. and i think the book made a point - we are all really mad in our own ways. dont you think so? :) and sometimes, we all do need to do some 'mad' stuff, because it is these moments that define our lives :) we cant just always accept life as it is - that is shortchanging yourself when you could have so much more.

homebody.

2010-04-11T23:40:00.003+08:00

+

lovezzxzzx that quote.
though i dont 'get pictures taken' but i totally second what she said even if its different context.
i'm such a hopeless homebody sometimes.

and my bag broke halfway home! how embarrassing is it!

gotta go back and do some old school stuffzxxzx.
enjoy your week everybuddy.

面包还是棉花？

2010-04-11T00:35:00.002+08:00

thought that this new layout will make my wordy posts more reading-friendly. haha. if you really go and observe, mine is like like a copy of another blog, i went to copy the html. hahaha. but if you never realise, its okay. heee.

a really funny sms conversation i had with my mum:

me: ma, house got bread ma?
mum: 棉花
me: huh? ma you very funny lei. i talking about bread not pad.
mum: 面包还是棉花
me: 不要紧了... (getting a bit huh?!?)
mum: so u wan bread?
me: ........

sometimes i really dont know what is my mum thinking! she is so huh?!? all the time! and i was telling my sis over dinner and all 3 of us kept laughing n laughing. haha.

wordy, are you a bird or a word?

2010-04-10T00:30:00.005+08:00

okay so this is my 5th week as an intern.

i do have alot of thoughts and all about being one. but never once have i realised how consuming it would be. more than the boss-and-me thing going on, it is the whole 9-6 routine thats kinda confusing my body in a way. now, i can no longer stay past 1am, actually, 11pm is already quite a difficulty.

now i truly understand how physically tiring it is to hold a proper job. everyday when you end, you just want to go home, settle down and sleep.

realised that:

1) i've not caught up with my emails, i used to be so particular about clearing my emails, deleting them etc. now, i only open those that i wanna read, the rest i just leave it there. so goodness! i have 310 unread mails now, which in ting2_1990's history, there is no such thing.

2) i have a whole list of blogs (73 in total. gosh! didnt know i followed so many) on my mac mail on RSS feed, and i used to be super particular abt it too, every single post of every single blog must be read. but now, i have SO many unread posts from SO many blogs, i only read the impt ones.

3) i used to go on msn every other day or every night, but since i started work for 5 weeks, i think i've only been online for less than 5 times? and the offline msgs all flood in when i sign in. lol.

4) and! i do follow a few shows and download movies and all. i used to be faithfully watching them right after they are out but now, i cant even find the strength to finish watching one epi at night, cos i'll fall asleep. so i split it over two days to finish an epi now. kua zhang!

5) i am such an online addict, i cant live without going online or using my laptop every night. but now, i dont even switch on my mac for days on straight anymore. i just go for my bed every night. (okay actually this is the reason for all of the above)

um so yes. if you havent realise it, tingting is undergoing such a weird change in lifestyle that used to be so impossible. now, i actually CAN hear my alarms in the morning!

--------------------------------------------------------

and on a sidenote, after experiencing this kinda life for 5 weeks, i truly understand what Post Office by Charles Bukowski is talking about. am currently reading another book on death & life now, and it kinda brings alot of messy thoughts.

because it is so easy to let life be a routine, a 9-6, a repetition of what you did yesterday, a continuation of what you are going to do today, and you just let yourself be, getting used, going through life, going through the motion.

and soon, you'll lose the reason for doing anything, and it just keeps going on and on and you dont understand and dont really get why. and sometimes... you just kinda wanna break free from it. i find myself doing lesser and lesser the things that i love doing, i find myself having lesser and lesser time for myself, starting to live life just living but not really participating. if you get what i mean.

(and i think thats why now i love every bus ride and train ride, i get to be myself again. and i read and read. the best part of my day is the time spent on buses - for reading. and i managed to finish a few books already!)

thats why, i now understand what mayday has been singing about all along. haha. i dont know if i make any sense, but i feel that its so so true for me.

maybe kinda in the phase that i wanna do something crazy and out of the world this time, just to defy the routine-ness. like scream and shout like mad. i guess i need a mayday concert now :(

well i guess the ingredient missing in tingting's everyday life is - passion.
======================

+

this is my new fave blogger. not fashion one for once. but when i go to her site, i somehow always feel peaceful and happy. just feel so simple and carefree somehow. and some of her posts are really very cool :)

.......................................................

be thankful always,
be simple,
be positive,
be happy. always.

busyness.

2010-04-05T00:34:00.003+08:00

did i mention before how i love making lists?
i love numbering them, and seeing my list lengthening :) such a great pleasure. i am making a few lists for this year, started in jan :)

as i was attending easter services this weekend, had a lot of thoughts. and just felt so strongly that it is so important to not get carried away by the busyness of life. i find it especially so true since now i've started working and all. it is so so easy to wake up - work - home or random stuff - sleep, and next day just repeats itself. without knowing it, it becomes a routine and a duty.

and that is why i guess its very important to have a cause for your life - something you are willing to die for, and fight for. a root that you constantly remind yourself of, when your flesh is tired, when you are just down. may be anything in life, but i think its important to find that one cause, you are willing to go all the way for.

also, isnt it really simple but yet sometimes so complicated? you know, actually women all want someone who cares/understands/loves/protects? as i was watching the easter drama i just suddenly felt so. hmmm random. lol.

--------------------------------------

i want to feel the freedom once again.

pretty saddened in my heart recently. some stuff going on at work. everyday going there seems to be like, a chore.

i kept wondering if its me or what did i do wrong. but i checked my heart and i can tell you honestly, i didnt.

if you know me well enough, you would know that i always give my best and try to do things as excellently as possible. and i love doing things fast. given something to do, i will complete it. given something to find out, i will find a solution for you. given the chance, i would help out in anything. i care for details. yes, i would err and do wrong things too. but tell me, let me know, teach me how to do it and i'll change and give you back the best.

and that is why it saddens me so much that i am accused like that, and filed into such category at work, that i'm incompetent and not doing my work seriously. when did i not give my best in these four weeks i'm here? when did i ever submit sloppy work when it is my duty? when did i not meet the deadline when given one?

i just feel so trapped, and so wronged. but what can i do? i can only continue to do best at what i'm given, and hopefully clear my name.

i always start something new, hoping to learn things, hoping to experience new things. and i am just kinda disappointed at how things turned out. but i guess, everyone else sees my effort other than the most important one.

but well, i will still try to continue with a good attitude regardless. and hopefully time will pass faster till july.

be the queen of your world.

2010-04-02T03:33:00.002+08:00

had alot of thoughts and feelings.
if theres one thing that i struggle most constantly with, it is feeling insecure, and inferior, and feeling really bad abt myself. inevitably, sometimes even comparing.

well last saturday, i did feel x10000 worst cos i felt i was the unprettiest amongst all the gowns and hair and whatnots.

but i came to realise, being who you are, being proud of yourself, being the uniquely you, is so so important. i think one very apt example is my sister. she may not be the best at where she is, but shes always so sure of herself, knows what she is good at and developing it further, knows what she wants and go for it. she is just herself.

this zhang tingting,
who cries watching a liverpool match, who tears watching a mayday concert, who yawns without covering her mouth ever, who has really large feet, who has the weirdest sitting position sometimes, who really asks alot of questions (since young), who is really blur and sharp at the same time, who feels and thinks alot, who is SUCH a homebody, who is so messy but yet organized at the same time, who loves admin/paperwork sometimes, who kinda always sees the good side of things instead of the ugly, who is super cek ark abt grammar, who is soo obsessed with nails, etc.

i may not be the best, but i'm sure i'm good at something.
i'm good at being zhang tingting.
and i need to create my own world and be sure, be steady, be me.

let me try for once k?
give me time to break out of this, and grow on my own.
i may stumble, i may fall, but i'll try.
to be myself, and nobody else.

thanks :)

4 cargo lorries from different directions.

2010-03-23T11:31:00.003+08:00

right after i blogged that ytd, i got hell.

i felt so angry my blood was really boiling inside... and one more second i'm gonna flare up that kind. for me to go to that kinda extent, it is quite something cos i seldom get so angry. that person must have some great 'character'.

sigh. 94 more days. lemme rant a bit.

i'm so tiredddddddd.

wanna have a good rest sometime soon but it seems like... the next holiday will be eaten up by shoot. sigh. :(

now would be good if there's dimsum in front of me. hot steamy ones with my favourite jiao zi. and perhaps chinese tea. and maybe add some steamed prawns? or some hot pizza with cheese would be good. or just a bowl of hot but not so spicy tom yum soup.

or just simply a warm pearly soya la :(

:)

2010-03-22T16:18:00.002+08:00

brought my lappie to work today. happily using it now :) feels so good to be able to facebook/listen to music/online shop at a corner without using the exposed desktop computer. heeeee. and being able to msn the whole day!

when i use the desktop computer, i have to minimize facebook to like ezlink card size and scroll around cos i'm really scared my boss will see hahahaha. so now i feel super liberated.

nowadays doing stuff that i'm better at, namely photoshopping pics and doing storyboards (i hate doing those actually). so i can like still cheat a bit and use my macbook.

looking at my gross nails kinda saddens me :( no time to change the colour and give it some TLC. okkkkk i will find timeeee!

i have been h&ming in between work and doing all sorts of funny stuff.. heeeeee. :) happy. for once, no monday blues! :)

ok back to h&ming now little while later go back workkk haha. must learn to give myself a break sometimes.

i know i sucks.

2010-03-16T23:44:00.003+08:00

if there is one thing that i'm vvvv particular about, it is grammar.
and yes i admit, i am still not perfect, i still do make horrendous grammar mistakes here and there and i'm no grammar expert. (i always ask yingying sometimes) but i do care about basic grammar or basic english.

it is just me, to correct every grammar mistake in my heart whenever i read fb or blogs or whatever. and i just kinda cringe sometimes.

for eg.
a. did you went to the shop?
b. my hair is blacker then yours.
c. i just brought a new top.
d. Does this goes to Tampines?
e. you listens to this music too?
f. i have lose.
etc.

i'm sorry i just had to rant this out.

lets all look to a better tomorrow by correcting our grammar today.

(and, 'stucked' is actually wrong)
(and dont judge okay! i'm sure everyone has got something that they are particular about)

----------------------------------------

on another note, this is my 2nd week of intern, and as of tmr, 98 more days to go.

in short,

every morning i catch the 8.28am bus and will be able to get to work on time. (and its double deck!)
have to run several errands a week, like sending tapes to mediacorp/companies etc. and i'm starting to look forward to these to get out of office.
most of the time theres nothing much to do. i'll stare into space and plan my outfits for the rest of the week.
one of the perks of being in Macpherson is that somehow, there are alot of buses to almost anywhere!
bus 8 is not as packed, and there'll somehow always have seats!
nobody is particular about punctuality here. i likey.
there are like tons of drinks in the office. and i really mean tons. coke/coke light/polar/orange juice/a lot of 3-in-1s/perrier/jiajia liang teh/ice lemon tea etc. its CRAZY.

but aiya. internship ma. we small fry only. haha.

grammar is just like maths.

2010-03-16T20:58:00.002+08:00

i really do believe in affinity with library books. if its there for you, it is there for you. and you gotta be at the right place and the right time. that came after a disappointing trip to the library. but i did manage to pick up a promising book though.
see, its all about affinity.

got lost the second time at chinatown today. walked one whole big round past three buildings only to realise if i have walked straight, i would have reached my destination like 10-15mins earlier. i felt a little stupid.

but then after that, i consoled myself thinking: nvm, we gotta learn somehow that there are no shortcuts in life. haha!

i do have alot of thoughts and all about internship and random stuff though.
but my hk drama is calling out to me and i cant resist it.

whines n rants.

2010-03-13T01:11:00.002+08:00

not used to 9-6 everyday.esp when its till 630/7 or later. everyday need to send tapes all over, mostly to mediacorp. traveling to n fro.today i walked so much my ankles r so sore and my toes blistered and painful. used the comp so much my shoulders ache badly. :( cant fall asleep nowadays too. n boss having menopause, very hard to work together. :( in all... i am TIRED. when's the next public holiday? Cant wait.....

i'm in love!

2010-03-12T02:21:00.002+08:00

OA.

wah very chio lei!!

i want that hair colour badlyyyyy.
but it always turns out ah lianish.

if i were a les i would fall for these girls really.
chio + fashionable + rich.
3 in 1 sia.

---------

2010-03-11T01:39:00.004+08:00

sometimes i wonder just how powerful can our thoughts and minds be.
how they manipulate our actions, and persuade us to think in a way we might regret.
how they control us.

i dont know if i'm really that scary, or am i just being too naive.
either one, i am not proud of it.
and everything just end up with me self blaming, and my self esteem goes plunging.

i read alot.
but how i wish i do have the ability to express how i feel with words perfectly.
because things always end up sounding wrong and i just always feel like a 5 year old fighting my case.

but on a basis of what?

i am not like that.
i am just too afraid.
i do need assurance from time to time.

2010-03-06T03:23:00.003+08:00

well i guess sometimes, there are childish fits and cries because you just want attention and just want someone to 'sayang' you and tell you its okay.

just like a kid. when attention is not given, he screams and wails and cries out loud.

and i guess i'm like that sometimes too.

just another night when i'm feeling as if my imperfections are x1000 bigger,
and another night when my doubts and fears are more than the positives
and wishing i was someone else.
wishing i was x1000 better.
wishing that i am not like this.
cos maybe things will be better.

tomorrow will be better.

winter!

2010-03-05T03:04:00.002+08:00

so for these 6 mths before i leave for china, i'm gonna start keeping an eye on cool winter looks, and start saving n buying nice clothes.

sorry i kinda am going for china not really to study. lol!

so i am gonna console myself from being absent from singapore by wearing the nicest clothes to school. haha!

so for my birthday, if you intend to get me anything,
just get me topshop/zara vouchers will do.
i will be a happy happy girl.

coats/jackets/blazers/cardigans/wool/skinnies/stockings/scarves
excitingggggg.

goodbye n hello.

2010-03-05T02:08:00.003+08:00

i think goodbyes are so funny. they do something to your heart.
seeing them, leaving.. leaves a sense of something in your heart.
excited, yet at the same time, gonna miss themmmm! going for classes etc.

but 128 days! cant wait for this 128 days to be over!
cos it means internship over too!
for once i was wishing i went china with them!

then its my turn for china!
i am dreading it... seriously.
only thing that is pulling me there is the clothes/shopping/food and the chance to play around with winter clothing.
thats all. :(

(prays that 128 days will pass by even faster than lightning but time will stop before sept.)

library books.

2010-03-03T03:12:00.003+08:00

picked up another book today.
needed another lighter read to get me thru sleepless nights.

it was kinda an older book, with fonts like that on my blog.
and realised, newer books dont exist in such fonts anymore!
and they reminded me of old Enid Blytons that my sister passed down to me when i was young, yellowing pages, colourful hardcovers. sweet :)

always loved library books. even love yellowed n battered books more. with dog ear marks, stained pages etc. (though sometimes you'll find a random strand of hair in between pages or mysterious stains on random pages. and then i'll speed read those pages.)

gives me a sense of pleasure, knowing that the treasure within is passed from person to person, and different people get different inspirations from the same book.

and i think i work best with deadlines, because i'll feel a need to finish reading the books asap and its a motivation!

reading is such a pleasure..!
(but actually sometimes i do appreciate brand new books, the newness feel. but all my books end up battered and all under me. haha. but thats the whole point right?!)

am currently reading Post Office by Charles Bukowski.

Straining.

2010-02-27T02:39:00.002+08:00

The Strain - Chuck Hogan/Guillermo Del Toro

"I really don’t want to say anything about this book … I think it works best if you know nothing about the story before you read it and just let it freak you RIGHT out. I will tease the plotline a bit by saying that a mysterious incident befalls a plane full of people and figuring out what the hell is going on is freaky as hell. I have not been this disturbed from reading a book since I read Cormac McCarthy’s The Road. I had a hard time sleeping last night … it’s that good. I highly recommend it to all y’all." - PITNB

that was why i started reading the book i mentioned in the previous post.

and yes it is freaky like hell how the plot and story just reveal itself slowly.

i was soooo hooked from clementi to tampines. and as i turned the pages, at every twist of the story i was like with eyes wide open reading it that kinda thing.

yeap and thats why i just cant read it alone at home cos i'll have hair standing and all.

its seriously quite good. and i havent even reach the halfway mark yet!

and i'm pretty sure this book will end up as a movie!! cant wait!!

long hair=bald?

2010-02-26T04:13:00.003+08:00

i am going to become bald soon seriously.

i drop hair like... erm.. a dog or something.

luckily my bed is black (still think its chioness), so cant see alotttt of dropped hair.
i think its because my hair is long = appears to look like alot when actually, its only 1 strand.

but sigh. depressing.

--------------------------------

am currently reading this book!

got to be one of the scariest book i've ever read! i dont dare to read alone when i'm at home, it creeps me! lol!

but its a nice try out of the usual genres that i normally read. :)

but this book is madddd heavy though. my shoulders were aching like mad when i carried it ard with my dear moleskin around orchard that day. still aching now!

but im so excited to complete it! :)

AI.

2010-02-26T01:43:00.002+08:00

i think one of the greatest lesson anyone can learn is love.
not just love, but love from the heart.
and a love that sacrifices, and not one that is self-centered.

in this big big world that we live in, taking care of our own needs, looking out for ourselves, perhaps is the safest and the best way to survive isnt it?
and in turn, being self-centered.

but really, the greatest love is not kept, it is given.

and that is one of the greatest lessons i myself have to learn.
because true love and care can be felt.
heart to heart is appreciated n cherished.
peel away those layers and learn...

no no no no no.

2010-02-23T04:03:00.001+08:00

there is this thing that i feel really strongly against about.
and since its 4am and i cant fall asleep, i just thought i'll do a random post of it.

and that is, athletic shoes with jeans is a complete no NO!

(even if theres a cute baby girl)

(and by athletic shoes i mean these)

i cringe and sometimes i even shudder when i see people dressing like that. i'm sorry but athletic shoes are just not meant to be with jeans. girls/guys alike. guys MAYBE sometimes a little more forgivable but arghhh! they are meant for the gym/running etc! NOT for going out!!

i am very cek ark in this area just like how my name must be tingting and not ting ting.

this sudden rush was because i was reading some tabloid blog and i saw a celebrity wearing athletic shoes WITH jeans. and she looked SO GOOD from jeans up! and i was like woahhh. and then i looked down and saw the athletic shoes and i was like NOOOOOO! completely minus off ALL marks even if she got full marks.

i'm sorry if you are reading this and you happen to wear athletic shoes with jeans. this is just my honest opinions and seriously, there are 101 ways out there to pair shoes with jeans that will actually enhance and make your look great instead of these shoes.

okay now maybe i can fall asleep. but then again, if i fall asleep i wont be able to wake up.
arghhh. i shall do other random stuff instead.

i dont care.

2010-02-20T01:40:00.001+08:00

alot of times how i wish 'i dont care' is effective.

cos seriously... 'i dont care' is like saying 'i do care very very much and thats why i dont wanna care'.

hah. im just saying...

but i really dont wanna care!

this is why i love Apple.

2010-02-19T23:30:00.000+08:00

did research on Apple for one of the presentations n i love love love these following stuff:

1) In 1983, Steve Jobs lured John Sculley away from Pepsi-Cola to serve as Apple's CEO, asking, "Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared water to children, or do you want a chance to change the world?"

2)

how inspiring is this ad!! its considered a masterpiece and what set Apple up to its success at the beginning! Be Different!

3) Steve Jobs: "There's an old Wayne Gretzky quote that I love. 'I skate to where the puck is going to be, not where it has been.' And we've always tried to do that at Apple. Since the very very beginning. And we always will."

loveeeeeeeee that quote!!!

--------------------------

btw jiaxin, love how we share interests in hk drama, Apple, books etc. :) love you!

he was a skater boy she said see you later boy

2010-02-18T02:05:00.002+08:00

being girly now.

i seriously find it such a rush to buy nail polish.. i'm so addicted!! i keep buying and buying..!

the feeling of holding one in your hands... feeling of having new nail colours... woooo. haha.

hai but for now. i'm just gonna limit myself to colours that i know i'll stick by and not get sick of. heeeee.

this is my current fave fave fave. my private jet!
aiming for navy and brown next.. :)

T01!

2010-02-17T00:07:00.004+08:00

because this sem was so awesome, here's another 3 more pics that i loveeee.

i loveeeeeee this picture!! haha. louis lovesss us. lol! last class of the sem :)

our v scary marketing presentation. haha. loveeee these people :) yx's amazing 1h transformation. lol!

loveeeee this grp presentation as well! hilarious!! :) (frm minmin's)

just saw tons of pics from caryn's fb. lol. our chio poster for photog!

yay now better go study for exam next week!!

that was unnecessary.

2010-02-15T23:50:00.002+08:00

i normally do have a high anger threshold level.

i normally do not cry unless something really provokes me.

这个学期。

2010-02-11T01:50:00.002+08:00

this is one of the craziest sem i ever had. today while on the bus, i pondered and realised, this is the sem which kinda really taught me alot of new things. from totally new stuff to being reasonably okay with them. like knowing nuts about camera/photography, and now knowing at least all the basics and techniques. from knowing nothing about business/marketing etc, at least know i know whats the 4Ps and marketing mix etc.

i've really learnt alot.

and one of the most fulfilling modules is new media! photography. i had such fun in the class. though alot of times i felt SO discouraged and depressed cos i was really bad at taking pictures, but i must admit photography did teach me alot. from seeing things in a different angle and i've learnt to appreciate alot of things in real life.

now whenever i'm out and see a picture-perfect spot or a nice angle, i'll have the itch to immediately take that photo. and how one period of time, my whole mind was filled with 'perspective, shallow DOF, greater DOF, aperture etc etc' EVERYWHERE i go. take note of my surroundings and all.

and coming from me, i thought i wouldnt be that kind who'll say photography is cool. but after 20 weeks, i daresay that its one of the most touching form of communications out there. now, i've learnt how to appreciate stunning pictures, know how to value unique pictures cos people always see things from the camera's view, but not how it was taken. cos no one really knows what kinda difficulties the photographer has to go through.

seriously. now really pretty pictures blow me away even more. haha.

and so. we wrapped up our new media on tues :)

we also wrapped up our marketing today. it was one hell of a module. because it is the first ever business module we ever took. and alot of things, we were not used to it and not exposed to before.

so for today's presentation, well we didnt really prepare well. but it was okay.. learning experience. :)

and coming from me as well, i think marketing is cool! and evil in a way. cos its there everywhere and anywhere and you just fall into its traphole without knowing how and why. lol. and i think marketing is pretty exciting cos it challenges the boundaries and forces you to think out of the box. to express your creativity, and just to create.

its exciting to live in such times because now people are learning not to put boundaries on creativity and its so liberating. and exciting to see what people can come up with :)

so we'll wrap up presentation skills tmr, and on friday, globalization and intepretation.

jiayou!

here are some pictures:

love them! (a bit overdue). jasmine is so cute. heh.

my awesome new media team. so so proud :)

Bob Lee KS is one of the funniest teacher i've ever had. so direct, so into-your-face. but hes super cool and we love him :)

yayyyyyyyyyyy. two more days!!!!